Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

miss_independent

Hi, this is not intended to be a rant or anything, I am just genuinely confused about how this works. I was brought up that when you invite someone to a celebration, either the person celebrating or the person arranging the celebration pays - ie if I invite my friend's to my birthday meal, I would pay, as I am requesting their company.

Last month it was my very best friend's 30th birthday party and she held it at a very upscale restaurant. I lost my job and money has been very tight and, although I love her to bits and know I would have really upset her if I had to cancel, between her present and paying for my meal, it came to £65 and caused me a lot of worry financially. And that was only having one drink all night and ordering the cheapest thing on the menu!

Today I have been face booked by my friend's girlfriend. I had a "save the date" card through the door for my friend's 30th back in January, explaining it was his 30th in April and how his girlfriend was arranging a party at a surprise venue to be announced nearer to the time. I know he is expecting her to hire the local cricket club and have a buffet type thing. However, today she messages me saying that as a surprise she has hired the first floor of his favourite restaurant and inviting 50 people and she is having to pay per head and would like me to bring £10 deposit in the next week to her and pay the outstanding amount on the night depending on what item I go for off the set menu and how many drinks I get! She also reminded me my deposit was non refundable should I not turn up! He is a good friend and I text his girlfriend (who is lovely but a bit ditzy bless her), a few weeks ago asking her if it would be ok to give him a certain book I know he really wanted (it's a coffee table book, rare, RRP £35 but I could get it for £8) and she said that she is telling everyone just to give him cash or vouchers and I'd feel a bit tight handing him anything less than £15 but again, that plus a meal, card, expensive parking costs for the venue, it means it's going to be close to £40. She has also said if I don't go, I still have to pay £10 deposit. And also I don't want to lose friend's because I can't afford to go to their birthday meals but I've stumbled upon hard times financially and don't see what I can do except explain I can't go.

Can I just ask, is this a common thing that you invite someone and expect them to pay?

System

I know someone who got married and charged the guests for the meal at the reception.

victory

have you paid the £10 deposit already as how come if you don't go and haven't paid you still have to pay the £10?

elantan

i had the same issue with a friends 40th ... i was really struggling with paying for the meal for both oh and myself ... luckily ( although not in another way) i landed up having to deal with a work emergency so didnt make it for the meal ... she had 40 people there so 2 people less was not so bad ...

i dont really know what the ettiquette is but i think maybe it would be a good idea to ask ... i know from now on i will

victory

Oh also if you can get the book and he really wants and you know you can get it for £8 then go ahead, he will love it and will have enough money from everyone else by the sounds of it:D

newcook

I’d tell them straight that you cant afford to go and you cant afford a deposit for something you wont be going to!

If friends are going to fall out with you because you cant afford to go out with them then they are not friends worth having in my opinion!


normally if I go out with a group of friends for a birthday meal we all chip in and pay for the birthday girl/boy as well as pay for our own meal.

Sambucus_Nigra

Get him the book, and take him out for a pint when you can.

lauraaurora

If its a family birthday celebration meal, then usually the person inviting the guests pays. If its a birthday party for kids then usually the person organising the party pays. But when you get to 30th birthday celebrations at a restaurant then you would expect to pay for yourself. If it was a buffet at the local cricket club then no, you wouldn't pay.

What you're describing all sounds pretty normal. What doesn't sound normal is this girlfriend who's changing the goalposts. If she wants to change the venue to make it more of a surprise, fine. If she wants people to pay for themselves, again, I would expect that. What seems out of order is demanding you pay for the deposit even if you now don't want to go. Personally I'd (politely) tell her to stick it, but that would depend on how much you value the friendship with the person who's birthday it is.

With regards to the birthday present, you get what you want. She has not right 'telling' people to get cash/ vouchers. She can suggest it, but if you think the book is an ideal present, then get it.

Just my thoughts!

siaoeh

what kind of friend would begrudge you not attending a birthday meal when you can't afford it at the moment? think of your friendship with him and judge for yourself. if you think he will really be that upset, then are you sure this is a friendship worth keeping? sorry to be so blunt. why not just tell the GF now that you can't make it on the day and after the birthday, bake him a nice cake or some cookies and bring it to him with the lovely rare book you know he wants. that's the next point, ignore the cash/voucher suggestion! especially since you know you can get him a book he wants, the lower cost is just a bonus, what happened to 'its the thought that counts'? in fact, I bet most people would rather have a gift that someone has thought about and went out to buy especially for them than cash/voucher that had no thought put into it. unless its the gift receiver is really skint and needs the extra cash/voucher then that is a different thing of course.

miss_independent

victory wrote: »

have you paid the £10 deposit already as how come if you don't go and haven't paid you still have to pay the £10?

I haven't paid it yet as she only face booked me today but I think what she means is, I RSVPd to the Save the Date card and she has put me on the list as going (this was before I knew what the plans were, I thought it would be a party with a buffet at the cricket club) and the restaurant want a deposit based on 50 people going and wether I go or not she wants the £10 as she will have to pay it if I don't go.

pjcox2005

I'd say if someone was having a party/bbq at their house then they would normally pay/supply the food.

If out for a birthday meal than I would expect to pay, but would expect to know the details up front before I was classed as confirmed and money expected from me.

Previously I thought the idea of paying for the birthday person was a kind gesture but appreciate that you effectively start making decisions for others who may not be able to afford it so easier for people to pay their own way.

Presents, I've gone with the basis of a small token offering, normally something fun and personal but not expensive.