Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

Peater

Last year my friend decided that he was having his Stag-do in Las Vegas and that we would do the whole 'Hangover' thing.

All bar 1 of us flat-out refused as it was a ludicrous waste of money and annual leave. We're still friends.

I don't think they would have a problem with you saying 'Look, i'll be honest, i just can't afford a meal out like that at the moment. Really sorry i can't come, have a good time!'.

And if they do, ****'em!

elvis86

Laurabeth38 wrote: »

I've just recieved a wedding invite in the post and we have to pay for the meal at the reception because the bride and groom are on a budget. However so are my OH and I, and we cannot afford the £40 a head (plus travel costs, wedding gift etc etc etc) so we are not going.

That really doesn't sit comfortably with me. If people want a big fancy wedding, they should pay for it. If you're on a budget, you tailor the wedding accordingly. Registry office and a slap-up pub meal if the number of guests you want to invite means that's all you can afford. Otherwise, have a small wedding. Don't spend all of your money on the posh frock and flowers, and expect your guests to make up the shortfall!

Laurabeth38 wrote: »

I think you should buy him the book and apologise for not being able to make it to your friend, and tell the girlfriend you are not paying the £10 as you simply can't afford it. If she wants to argue about it, then explain you have lost your job, that should shut her up.

I wouldn't even justify not paying the £10 deposit! Who ever heard of paying a deposit for something when you know you won't be attending?!

"Now the plan has changed from a party at the cricket club to dinner at a restuarant, I'm afraid I won't be able to attend."

Simple.;)

miss_independent

siaoeh wrote: »

another option is to tighten your belt for the week and go join in the celebrations, and with the £10 order a starter to have as a main? assuming the starters are not more than a tenner?

I understand what you mean, but I'm living off £55 pounds per week at the moment, £10 is my weekly shopping budget at the moment lol! My belt couldnt be any tighter at the moment, I can hardly breathe. And of course, that's no one's fault but my own and, please God, it's only temporary. She wants the £10 now and its already monday and thanks to bills, I only have £25 to last me all week. I'm just going to have to try and explain to her that I didn't realise she was changing the plans, and now in fact, I can say when I found out she was hiring the upstairs for the party I thought she was doing the £8.95 party thing, which I could have budgeted for. I will ask if she can't just find someone else to invite instead.

Also, it's a certain type of cuisine that I hate! I really don't want to pay £18.95 for something I don't like

elvis86

miss_independent wrote: »

I understand what you mean, but I'm living off £55 pounds per week at the moment, £10 is my weekly shopping budget at the moment lol! My belt couldnt be any tighter at the moment, I can hardly breathe. And of course, that's no one's fault but my own and, please God, it's only temporary. She wants the £10 now and its already monday and thanks to bills, I only have £25 to last me all week. I'm just going to have to try and explain to her that I didn't realise she was changing the plans, and now in fact, I can say when I found out she was hiring the upstairs for the party I thought she was doing the £8.95 party thing, which I could have budgeted for. I will ask if she can't just find someone else to invite instead.

Also, it's a certain type of cuisine that I hate! I really don't want to pay £18.95 for something I don't like

I don't know why you're getting yourself so wound up about this. Your financial situation is obviously pretty bad atm, your friends should appreciate that (presuming you've told them).

As for the £10 deposit - as far as I can see, it's a total none issue requiring no excuses on your part. You accepted an invitation to a party at a cricket club, the plan has now changed to dinner at a restaurant (which will cost you significantly more), so you're politely declining. You're not obliged to provide a deposit for something that you never expressed any intention of attending!

ellay864

miss_independent wrote: »

Also, it's a certain type of cuisine that I hate! I really don't want to pay £18.95 for something I don't like

Another good reason to decline! My best mate's hubby booked a meal out for her 40th...she thought it was a family thing but he surprised her and invited about 20 friends. He booked Indian which I just cannot eat, and even though some Indian restaurants serve some English food, this one didn't. I declined for that reason. My friend was upset I wasn't there but totally understood - she knows I hate Indian and when she realised the extent of the guest list was more annoyed at him for booking it, even though he wasn't to know I didn't eat Indian!

System

That really doesn't sit comfortably with me. If people want a big fancy wedding, they should pay for it. If you're on a budget, you tailor the wedding accordingly. Registry office and a slap-up pub meal if the number of guests you want to invite means that's all you can afford. Otherwise, have a small wedding. Don't spend all of your money on the posh frock and flowers, and expect your guests to make up the shortfall!

I think its called having your cake and eating it

miss_independent

fluffnutter wrote: »

When did it become OK for people to expect others to stump up for things they have no real choice about?? Birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings, hen and stag dos, baby showers (they make me want to die - pay for your own offspring!)... it's all about 'let's have a party because I want one and my friends will just have to find the cash because it's my day and I'm important'.

It puts people in a really awkward position, it makes them feel guilty and it's rude and arrogant. If you want people to join you in your special day, then you make it as pain-free for them as possible and that means being sensitive to your friends' financial circumstances. Anyone who thinks their own pleasure and gratification is so important that their friends should bankrupt themselves to attend whatever over-priced event they've chosen is not a friend that I'd like to have.

You and I sound very alike FluffNutter. I just feel like I come from a different world sometimes.

I had someone actually argue with me yesterday because I hadn't told him it was my birthday and had he known he would have got
me a gift. I explained I don't broadcast it because I don't like a lot of fuss or people feeling obliged to get me something. He looked at me as if I was insane.

elvis86

siaoeh wrote: »

another option is to tighten your belt for the week and go join in the celebrations, and with the £10 order a starter to have as a main? assuming the starters are not more than a tenner?

I wouldn't recommend this, tbh. If the OP is that hard-up, she shouldn't risk a scenario where everyone suggests splitting the bill (which I think is usually reasonable for a group of friends on a birthday night out) and she can't afford her share.

siaoeh

miss_independent wrote: »

£10 is my weekly shopping budget at the moment lol! My belt couldnt be any tighter at the moment, I can hardly breathe.

aww that is a tight one, I'm working on a £2 a day food budget at the moment, so I know what you mean. but what I meant is, if you really really wanted to go, there are ways to make it work, assuming you will not be spending more than the £10 deposit that is (starter as a main course), and that she can pay for you first and you can save up over the next few weeks and pay her back on the day itself. I'm sure she won't mind paying it upfront first since she knows you've lost your job. can't remember if you said when the birthday meal is, but do you think you could put save up enough before then to afford that tenner? a pasta meal at home cost abt 30p, a 2 egg omelette with a bit of cheese cost abt 40p etc 2 quid put away a week for 5 weeks is a tenner! :-)

that is, if you really want to go though LOL :-) but since you hate that cuisine and won't even be enjoying the meal, then there really is no point stretching yourself so thin just so you can be there with 49 other pple is there? :-) I'm sure your friend won't mind, like many posters (me included) said, see him another ay to give him his book and buy him a pint or bake him some cookies/cake and celebrate with him a belated birthday instead :-) you'll probably get to speak to him properly over that pint than over a dinner with 49 other pple anyway :-)

miss_independent

elvis86 wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend this, tbh. If the OP is that hard-up, she shouldn't risk a scenario where everyone suggests splitting the bill (which I think is usually reasonable for a group of friends on a birthday night out) and she can't afford her share.

This is EXACTLY what happened at my best friend's party. Luckily her other friend clocked on really quick and at the start of the meal asked if we could be put on a separate bill as we weren't family. I nearly had a heart attack as everyone was getting starters, mains, steaks and seafood (as opposed to my plain tomato pasta) desserts, extra sides and lots of booze and I was looking in my purse thinking "oh no, what am I going to do?".

As most of their friends are in their 30's and 40's and are settled, in stable careers, on the property ladder etc, there is no way they will be thinking like me. Splitting the bill could well be something they decide to do.