Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

tea_lover

As most others, if I'm invited out to a meal then I would always expect to pay. The exceptions being a wedding, a meal in someone's house, or a buffet maybe.

However, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it - no shame at all in that. There's certainly no way I'd be paying a deposit for a meal I'm not even going to! FWIW, I'd buy the book, say no to the meal (and don't pay the deposit) and then go for a drink or something with your friend another time. If they really are inviting 50 people it's not like you'd even get chance to speak to him really.

Laurabeth38

Judi wrote: »

I know someone who got married and charged the guests for the meal at the reception.

I've just recieved a wedding invite in the post and we have to pay for the meal at the reception because the bride and groom are on a budget. However so are my OH and I, and we cannot afford the £40 a head (plus travel costs, wedding gift etc etc etc) so we are not going.

I think you should buy him the book and apologise for not being able to make it to your friend, and tell the girlfriend you are not paying the £10 as you simply can't afford it. If she wants to argue about it, then explain you have lost your job, that should shut her up.

Peater

Cripes. Got me worried.

I've invited a few mates out a curry and some beers next week for my birthday. Hope they don't expect me to pay for everyone!!

- In reality, i know they won't as i have a little get together most years. If past form is anything to go by, i can actually expect them to pay for my drinks all night too!! I'll like my freinds.....

EDIT: If i was entertaining at home, then perhaps the most i'd ask for is to BYOB but i would supply more than enough out of my own pocket.

And a wedding? Never heard of anyone being charged to go to one! I understand that times are hard, but that takes the biscuit!

miss_independent

I'm actually even more annoyed now because I was looking at the restaurant menu just now trying to figure out if I could afford it or not and on the website they only charge £8.95 per head for a party of 50 for a decent hot buffet, soft drinks and a dj. The way the girlfriend has arranged it, we are paying individually off the menu and prices for a main course cost £18.95 as a starting point! £8.95 would have been much more affordable for me but the majority of people going are older than me and in a much better financial position.

His girlfriend does know I have no job at present as at the weekend, the three of us met for coffee and she said "there is a nicer place further up but it probably isn't cheap and cheerful enough for you babe!".

Looks like I, going to have to turn a lot more birthday meals down over the next few months. I didn't do anything myself this year for my birthday and one very kind friend offered to take me out and pay for MY birthday meal knowing things are difficult. I just had a meal in the house instead though rather than expect people to pay and to be honest, since my 21st I've just celebrated with close family and met up with friends separately and I've got a few years before having to worry about the Etiquette of my own 30th birthday celebrations lol!

tea_lover

The £8.95 option sounds much better! What do you think her reaction would be if you suggested it?

fluffnutter

When did it become OK for people to expect others to stump up for things they have no real choice about?? Birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings, hen and stag dos, baby showers (they make me want to die - pay for your own offspring!)... it's all about 'let's have a party because I want one and my friends will just have to find the cash because it's my day and I'm important'.

It puts people in a really awkward position, it makes them feel guilty and it's rude and arrogant. If you want people to join you in your special day, then you make it as pain-free for them as possible and that means being sensitive to your friends' financial circumstances. Anyone who thinks their own pleasure and gratification is so important that their friends should bankrupt themselves to attend whatever over-priced event they've chosen is not a friend that I'd like to have.

zagfles

I don't have a problem with the "guests pay" idea, but unless all your friends and families are loaded why go for an upmarket type place? There are loads of buffet type places in where you can have large parties at about £10 a head, I've been to a loads in the last few years.

A friend of mine wanted to go to some rip-off upmarket type place for his 40th - it was going to be over £40 a head - I persuaded him that if he wants a good turnout to have it at a buffet restaurant, which he did, it was £8 a head, and he got nearly 100 people! And the food was excellent!

siaoeh

another option is to tighten your belt for the week and go join in the celebrations, and with the £10 order a starter to have as a main? assuming the starters are not more than a tenner?

ziggy2004

I would just tell her you are no longer able to attend as the prices are more then you can afford to spend on a meal out. Make it clear that since there was no mention of a deposit when you initially said you were coming and since the plans have been changed that you will not pay for the deposit.

She sounds nice :idea:

ellay864

fluffnutter wrote: »

When did it become OK for people to expect others to stump up for things they have no real choice about?? Birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings, hen and stag dos, baby showers (they make me want to die - pay for your own offspring!)... it's all about 'let's have a party because I want one and my friends will just have to find the cash because it's my day and I'm important'.

It puts people in a really awkward position, it makes them feel guilty and it's rude and arrogant. If you want people to join you in your special day, then you make it as pain-free for them as possible and that means being sensitive to your friends' financial circumstances. Anyone who thinks their own pleasure and gratification is so important that their friends should bankrupt themselves to attend whatever over-priced event they've chosen is not a friend that I'd like to have.

But people do have a choice - they can go and pay (and that's what I'd expect to do if I was invited for a birthday meal out) or they decline. I'd never feel guilty. If it was a very close friend I'd be more inclined to make the effort to find the money; on the other hand if they were a very close friend I'd expect them to understand if I couldnt. For a less than very close friend I wouldn't feel guilty as if there's a number invited I wouldn't assume I'm that special that my absence would cause any upset.
And if you accepted based on the assumption you wouldn't have to pay somuch I'd have no problem declining now as it's changed (without you having any choice in it) and no way should you have to pay deposit for something you're not attending.
Buy him the book