Is my husband being unreasonable?

hugoshavez

coolcait wrote: »

Posting about your problems on a website is not like talking to your friends, or a counsellor, or the CAB.

It is like taking out an anonymous advert in a national newspaper. Every time you post.

Or, taking part in a televised interview - without always ensuring that you are wearing a mask, being shown in silhouette, and having your voice disguised.

There's a chance that someone you know will recognise you - and that chance gets greater with every little snippet that you post, every little detail that you put in your profile. All those things contribute to the mask starting to slip, your voice coming across loud and clear, and your picture getting clearer.

If there are any big details in your posts, then the chances of your being identified increase dramatically.

If the OP and her partner have suffered a horrible tragedy then that's the kind of big detail that can make it very easy to identify someone. That then makes it easy to identify that person's partner, and anyone else that they're criticizing, or talking about, or worrying about.

Whilst many posters may declare happily that they have nothing to hide, and don't care if others know who they are in real life, that attitude may change when cyberspace and reality become blurred.

If a poster makes their identity obvious, they also make their partner's identity obvious. Does the poster have the right to breach their partner's privacy in that way? Personally, I don't think so - and most websites will also shy away from hosting that kind of post because of the libellous/defamatory aspect.

Posters also need to consider if it is fair to their children, parents or other relatives to share so much personal and private information about them - especially if they can be identified through the sheer volume, and level of detail, of information being given out. Those people haven’t chosen to share details of their personal and private life with anyone who happens to see it. What right does another poster have to breach their privacy in this way?

Posters here, and elsewhere on the internet, are sharing very personal details about family and friends' special needs, problems, issues, heartbreaks, mental health, and so on - while taking very little care to protect their own identities and - by extension – the other people's identities.

Many years ago I was on a website where a poster became increasingly frustrated by the fact that her threads were being deleted - despite being met by a unanimous chorus of sympathy (and her situation deserved sympathy!).

However, she was writing about a horrific tragedy, which was unique and high-profile enough for it to be easily identifiable. She was making statements which could have been seen as affecting a fair trial. The website withdrew those threads - rightly, IMO. Not only does everyone have the right to a fair trial, but the poster herself would have been destroyed and distraught if the trial had failed because of her - heartfelt, but too public - comments.

After the trial, she made statements which could have got her into trouble with the law. Again, the website withdrew the threads - rightly so - but much to the fury of the poster.

So, if the OP is describing a situation where she is going on websites saying 'This horrific tragedy has befallen us, I think that [named person or persons] is responsible for/guilty of this, and my OH won't let me discuss it online' because he's got this mad idea that it will affect what happens', then I would be completely on the side of the OH.

If she is providing details which make her - and by extension her OH and others – identifiable, then I have a great deal of sympathy with the OH.

The internet is not a private diary. It's not your best friend's kitchen table, or your counsellor's office. It's not a quiet table in your local, or even a table in the middle of a busy pub.

When you post on the internet, it's not a whisper in your best friend's ear, or a note in the diary which no-one sees but you.

It's a message which could be seen by anyone, anywhere in the world, at any time. It will stay on the internet indefinitely, and is linked to everything else you have ever posted under the same log-in. It can tell the world who you are, what you innermost thoughts are, your deepest problems, your vanities, your good points, your bad points and more.

Of all the message boards, in all the world, this past week of all weeks, this one should know that.

Unless you are a raving exhibitionist, or are making everything up as you go along, why would you risk exposing yourself – and your loved ones – to those risks?

You're Tolstoy aren't you?

coolcait

Rex_Mundi wrote: »

This is bullying.........No more or no less

Some people here are saying that 'he may not like their problems on the the net'. True, if the OP had their full name out there and the full name of her OH, he may have a point, but, by him blocking access to whole sections of the net is the same type of bullying behaviour than if she wanted to talk to friends and he stood with his arms out in front blocking access to the front door of the house. It is bullying no matter how you look at it.

'Oh, but nothing is impersonal on the internet'.......some 'experts' here have said.

Here is a challenge for the 'experts'. I have been a member of this site for many years (2004 join date on this site alone). I have also put my views over MANY other sites over the years. I am all over the internet under different IDs. Impress me and tell me my proper name. Prove you are not talking tripe

You obviously missed the earlier threads on this forum which demonstrated how easy it is to identify someone.

Unless you are suggesting that the regular poster(s) involved were not genuine?

It is almost half past midnight. I have no intention of going through all of your posts and seeing if you have a decent grasp of internet security or not.

However, it is all too easy for a few artless comments to paint a picture of who you are, and identify you in real life. Read any article about internet grooming for examples.

People give out an extraordinary amount of information on the internet. Without even realising that they are doing so. "Oh, I live in such and such a place too!" "My DS is x years old, my DD is y years old, and I have twin step-sons who are z years old". I have been with my OH for n years". "OH is a qualified blah, and I am a trainee nyah". "My ex is a zoogah, and lives in next town with his GF who is an oogah".

Add to that "We've had the most horrific tragedy recently - 'details'" and your game of "who am I?" is nearly up.

When a poster says over a series of posts that her name is (not actual text!) "Anne with an e", and that she lives in a house with green gables , that her OH's name is "......." and that he was successful in such and such a competition, with such and such a result, then she has made herself identifiable. She has made her OH identifiable. I have seen that happen.

Anyone who has followed your posts on MSE, and all over the internet, might be in a position to identify you. Anyone who had the time, interest or inclination to read all of your MSE posts, and google key words might be able to identify you.

Fortunately for me, I do not fall into either category. Nor do I see myself in the category of expert - with or without inverted commas.

I do fall into the category of people who have recently seen on MSE how a few key words can lead to someone being identified in real life - whether they wanted it or not.

coolcait

hugoshavez wrote: »

You're Tolstoy aren't you?

Damn, and I thought that shaving off the beard would have worked!

Luckily, I did post on a board where the long explanatory post is part of the culture - even when it is dressed up with an (incorrect) tag of 'long story short'

Rex_Mundi

coolcait

We've both been members of this site for a while. I'm gutted that I've only just come accross you.

I LOVE your writing!

You make me laugh and think at the same time. Very good!

euronorris

Person_one wrote: »

People have posted on here who've been in abusive or violent relationships and received help, people have posted who have been completely brainwashed and manipulated and been helped.

As long as personal details are sufficiently obscured she has every right to post what she wants, its not a good idea to suggest that its ok for him to have a veto! Its not that different to him stopping her talking to her friends, or a counsellor, or the CAB.

I think it's OK, in a normal relationship, for one person to say 'I am not happy with you discussing this stuff online.' and for the other person to respect that.

This is one incident, which seems to be a reaction from both of them to a traumatic event. It has only been about posting online, not discussing with friends, doctor, counsellor etc. I have seen nothing yet to suggest that this is an abusive relationship.

So, until the OP tells us that this is standard behaviour, I am going on the assumption that it was a bad reaction, a mistake, to a traumatic event in their lives. One that needs communication between the two of them, not for it to be communicated with strangers online.

If, however, this is just the latest in a string of controlling incidents/behaviour then my advise will obviously change.

VitaK

I think it is unreasonable to post about sensitive subjects if your husband have expresed a concern about that. It is also unreasonable for your husband to block you from using those sites.

Myself, I would ask him to unblock those sites on the spot. I would also talk to him about the subject and how those sites are helping you deal with the tragedy. I would also expect him to tell you how he feels about this and why he reacted as he did. There may be good reasons why he reacted as he did. You will not know if you dont open up to each others.

Wickedkitten

A woman posts that her husband has stopped her from posting about their personal lives on random internet boards because it upsets him and he's abusive and controlling.

A woman posts that she has gone through her husbands computer and finds out that he has been looking at !!!!!! and he should be controlled into not doing it because it upsets her.

euronorris

Not exactly equal, is it?

He's been labelled as abusive and controlling from just one incident, without context, and without any other information to suggest that he is. Quite unbelievable!

debtfreenow

Difficult to comment fully without knowing the circumstances.

Obviously there is no right to put a "personal" details post up on the Internet that involves any other people (ie because they might not approve of being identified in a "secondhand" fashion like this) on the one hand.

On the other hand, it DOES sound like OP's husband is distinctly "controlling" and that is a big minus against him as a person and a big inconvenience to O.P. and practical steps need to be taken to "get round him" if his reason for doing this is because he wants to be Arch Controller. The practical steps being - big handbags are a godsend sometimes:p for a variety of reasons. In this case a Big Handbag would be big enough to lug an Ipad (3G version) round with O.P. and there is no way anyone else could physically get hold of an Ipad and interfere with its functioning:p;). So it boils down "Does O.P. have the £500 odd necessary to buy an Ipad and any further money needed to take to wearing Big Handbags (very useful that they are fashionable right now:D) and I believe it's possible to "run" an Ipad for about £7 a month at the lowest level of usage and then hubby (and anyone else) CANNOT interfere with the OP's right to "freedom of speech".

thegirlintheattic

It is unreasonable of him to block your access to the sites but it's also unreasonable of you to post personal details relating to him online, especially if he has asked you not to.

There are many ways for you husband to find out your usernames - it could be as simple as googling certain details about your problems and most sites (including this one) will be indexed. It's very easy to identify people from personal posts if you know them in RL, especially if usernames are used across multiple sites. This maybe the primary concern of your husband, that friends or family may read the posts.

1) You need to communicate with your husband
2) You need to ask him to remove the block he has put on the router
3) If you still need help/advice you need to contact a charity/helpline
4) Posts online should not be as detailed as to identify you