Is my husband being unreasonable?

Jezminda

Sounds like he has a keylogger on your computer to me

anguk

Person_one wrote: »

People have posted on here who've been in abusive or violent relationships and received help, people have posted who have been completely brainwashed and manipulated and been helped.

As long as personal details are sufficiently obscured she has every right to post what she wants, its not a good idea to suggest that its ok for him to have a veto! Its not that different to him stopping her talking to her friends, or a counsellor, or the CAB.

I agree and I would be absolutely fuming if my OH did that to me. The fact that he's gone as far as installing a keylogger and is checking up on everything she's doing on the internet worries me a great deal. A parent doing this to their child in order to protect them I can understand but not a husband doing this to his wife. He's trying to control what she says and to whom which in my opinion is very wrong.

I especially agree with the bit in bold, for some people talking on an internet forum is similar to talking to friends, the OP has said she has received help and support and now the husband is banning her from doing this? :mad:

barbiedoll

OP, I would suggest that whilst you still have internet access, you have a look at some sites which will enable you to understand how your computer works and how your OH has managed to take control of it. You need to understand how to delete your browsing history, how to find what software he has installed on it and how to unblock your preferred sites.

The issue of whether he is being unreasonable or not, is not really for us to judge. If you think that he is being unreasonable, then clearly he is. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone blocking sites on my behalf, I am an adult and I would wish to be treated as such. If your OH doesn't like you posting about personal stuff online, then he should ask you to stop. You, being a reasonable sort, would probably comply with his wishes. To take matters into his own hands and to take away your freedom to choose is not acceptable in my opinion.

You need to try to speak to him about this, if you feel that you cannot broach the subject or that he wouldn't be open to a discussion then you should think about exactly what this relationship means to you. We don't know (or need to know) your circumstances but the fact that you have posted about this means that it bothers you. If you are having similar trouble with him regarding any other area of your life, eg, access to money, access to family/friends, controlling behaviour in any other respect, then you should probably seek help, using a different computer if possible.

Bravehearted_2

USM wrote: »

So, how to fix. Remedies include but are not limited to:

• Offering to end your marriage if he doesn't remove the blocks and stop treating you like a child.

Hope this helps

This is stupid advice. Why is that certain users are very quick to offer dissolution as the answer to everything.

"Offer to end the marriage" - so she should use her marriage as a bargaining chip??

"Wipe hard drive, buy dongle..." here's an idea - how about TALKKING? Get to the root of the issue so he understands he's unreasonable and you understand that he doesn't appreciate you posting your personal marital issues on every forum.

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

...
As long as personal details are sufficiently obscured she has every right to post what she wants, its not a good idea to suggest that its ok for him to have a veto! Its not that different to him stopping her talking to her friends, or a counsellor, or the CAB.

Posting about your problems on a website is not like talking to your friends, or a counsellor, or the CAB.

It is like taking out an anonymous advert in a national newspaper. Every time you post.

Or, taking part in a televised interview - without always ensuring that you are wearing a mask, being shown in silhouette, and having your voice disguised.

There's a chance that someone you know will recognise you - and that chance gets greater with every little snippet that you post, every little detail that you put in your profile. All those things contribute to the mask starting to slip, your voice coming across loud and clear, and your picture getting clearer.

If there are any big details in your posts, then the chances of your being identified increase dramatically.

If the OP and her partner have suffered a horrible tragedy then that's the kind of big detail that can make it very easy to identify someone. That then makes it easy to identify that person's partner, and anyone else that they're criticizing, or talking about, or worrying about.

Whilst many posters may declare happily that they have nothing to hide, and don't care if others know who they are in real life, that attitude may change when cyberspace and reality become blurred.

If a poster makes their identity obvious, they also make their partner's identity obvious. Does the poster have the right to breach their partner's privacy in that way? Personally, I don't think so - and most websites will also shy away from hosting that kind of post because of the libellous/defamatory aspect.

Posters also need to consider if it is fair to their children, parents or other relatives to share so much personal and private information about them - especially if they can be identified through the sheer volume, and level of detail, of information being given out. Those people haven’t chosen to share details of their personal and private life with anyone who happens to see it. What right does another poster have to breach their privacy in this way?

Posters here, and elsewhere on the internet, are sharing very personal details about family and friends' special needs, problems, issues, heartbreaks, mental health, and so on - while taking very little care to protect their own identities and - by extension – the other people's identities.

Many years ago I was on a website where a poster became increasingly frustrated by the fact that her threads were being deleted - despite being met by a unanimous chorus of sympathy (and her situation deserved sympathy!).

However, she was writing about a horrific tragedy, which was unique and high-profile enough for it to be easily identifiable. She was making statements which could have been seen as affecting a fair trial. The website withdrew those threads - rightly, IMO. Not only does everyone have the right to a fair trial, but the poster herself would have been destroyed and distraught if the trial had failed because of her - heartfelt, but too public - comments.

After the trial, she made statements which could have got her into trouble with the law. Again, the website withdrew the threads - rightly so - but much to the fury of the poster.

So, if the OP is describing a situation where she is going on websites saying 'This horrific tragedy has befallen us, I think that [named person or persons] is responsible for/guilty of this, and my OH won't let me discuss it online' because he's got this mad idea that it will affect what happens', then I would be completely on the side of the OH.

If she is providing details which make her - and by extension her OH and others – identifiable, then I have a great deal of sympathy with the OH.

The internet is not a private diary. It's not your best friend's kitchen table, or your counsellor's office. It's not a quiet table in your local, or even a table in the middle of a busy pub.

When you post on the internet, it's not a whisper in your best friend's ear, or a note in the diary which no-one sees but you.

It's a message which could be seen by anyone, anywhere in the world, at any time. It will stay on the internet indefinitely, and is linked to everything else you have ever posted under the same log-in. It can tell the world who you are, what you innermost thoughts are, your deepest problems, your vanities, your good points, your bad points and more.

Of all the message boards, in all the world, this past week of all weeks, this one should know that.

Unless you are a raving exhibitionist, or are making everything up as you go along, why would you risk exposing yourself – and your loved ones – to those risks?

Spirit_2

We had a shocking dreadful tragedy sometime ago. I use this site as a source of advice and also a 'private' escape. However during the worst of times I could not post as I could not risk 'exposing' myself and family or tell details of a tale that was not mine alone.

There was a thread on here where people 'commentated' I stupidly read it, however could not respond. I could never reveal any of it and it is therefore unequivacally excluded from my online life.

I don't agree with your OH's actions but think you may also need to respect other parties right to privacy and grief too.

I am sorry you have been through difficult times.

property.advert

When you read all the personal tripe on here you can only imagine the balloon cloud which would go up if the other party found out just what was being written.

It's like "ask the audience" for all your personal 5hit

timbo58

Sorry I havent read all the posts so forgive me if I am repeating views widely held: YES is the answer he IS being unreasonable: it is ridiculous to be in a relationship with anyone who cannot trust you to view what you like/see what you like and say what you like, it is 1984 to be of any other viewpoint.

snozberry

Tbh, I wouldn't be happy if my OH posted details about our lives online. However, there is no way on earth that I would go through his history to see what he has been getting up to and, ultimately, blocking sites that he has visited. Heck, I don't even nosy in his mobile phone. It's just wrong and a gross invasion of privacy.

He needs to remember that you are both equals in your relationship and should be treated as such. It does sound as though he has trust issues. He might just have a distrust of the internet and is worried that your personal affairs becoming known within your family / friends circle. I know that my dad is like this (but he'd never interfere with my mums access). Maybe you should both talk about this.

Bangton

I'm not sure..not everyone has friends on tap or family they can go to when they have a problem. Not everyone feels they can talk to their partner as we have seen countless times on this forum. So rightly or wrongly they turn to forums to vent their frustrations...and sometimes they are just frustrations. Sometimes there are major problems, sometimes it's domestic violence, sometimes someone wants a load of people to agree that their husband has behaved bad and they have behaved good...etc etc

In some circumstances there are no go areas on a public forum as demonstrated by other posters but aside from that, if someone protects their privacy I don't think anyone should have to feel alone when something goes wrong...if that means turning to a forum because they feel at that moment they have no one else so be it.

The bottom line is your husband shouldn't be checking your history...let alone barring you from sites. Yes I understand that anything he has viewed in which you discuss your relationship may well be upsetting for him but he shouldn't have been looking in the first place.

Also, has he made steps to improve your difficulties based on what he has found whilst snooping? If he has then I'd slightly change my viewpoint in that you shouldn't be posting if he is trying to make an effort to improve things (alongside you of course..not suggesting it is all him)