Is my husband being unreasonable?

anguk

On one hand I can understand that your husband may not want you to talk about personal things on the internet but surely if he knows that you're getting help and support from online friends he should be happy that you're getting help?

Sometimes when something happens in your life it really does help to speak to others who have gone through something similar. A few years ago my OH was seriously ill in intensive care and I nearly lost him, the help and support I got on MSE got me through that horrible time, I was trying to be strong and practical for my family and friends so it was a Godsend for me to come on here and talk to people who weren't personally involved.

I would have thought most husbands would want their wives to find comfort during a difficult time and if that means talking to other people who have gone through something similar where is the harm in that?

But even if he does have a problem with you discussing personal things on the internet he has no right to block your access, you have the right to say and do whatever you want, you're not a child.

January20

anguk wrote: »

On one hand I can understand that your husband may not want you to talk about personal things on the internet but surely if he knows that you're getting help and support from online friends he should be happy that you're getting help?

Sometimes when something happens in your life it really does help to speak to others who have gone through something similar. A few years ago my OH was seriously ill in intensive care and I nearly lost him, the help and support I got on MSE got me through that horrible time, I was trying to be strong and practical for my family and friends so it was a Godsend for me to come on here and talk to people who weren't personally involved.

I would have thought most husbands would want their wives to find comfort during a difficult time and if that means talking to other people who have gone through something similar where is the harm in that?

But even if he does have a problem with you discussing personal things on the internet he has no right to block your access, you have the right to say and do whatever you want, you're not a child.

But not allowing the OP to get the help she needs is another way for her OH to control her. From his actions (withdrawing her access to certain websites like she was child) it is obvious he doesn't view her as an equal, more like a naughty child that needs controlling.

OP, have you taken any steps to regain control of your laptop?

BJV

euronorris wrote: »

2 problems here:

- You shouldn't be posting about your problems online if he is not happy with that. Anonymous or not.
- He shouldn't be limiting your online access. But I can understand why.

Instead of focusing on who is to blame for what, why not just talk to him about it, stop posting about him online (and tell him you will do this) and work towards a more open, and communicative relationship.

I can only assume, that if you are posting about him online that often, that the communication between you two is poor, at best.

Was going to post something but I think you said it far better than I could of.

thegirlintheattic

musictomyears wrote: »

I have tried to talk to my husband. In fact, when I knew that he knew a particular name/forum I deliberately posted, so that he would see how I felt, but he didn't. I sent him emails imploring him to talk, but he didn't.

Why are you e-mailing him?! Whilst you say that this thread isn't about your relationship, it's your relationship issues that has led the problem with the router. The e-mails, the posting so he can see, the childish behavior of your OH blocking your access, all seem to stem from the fact that you seem unable to communicate with each other. Relate could help here.

Mojisola

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

Why are you e-mailing him?! Whilst you say that this thread isn't about your relationship, it's your relationship issues that has led the problem with the router. The e-mails, the posting so he can see, the childish behavior of your OH blocking your access, all seem to stem from the fact that you seem unable to communicate with each other. Relate could help here.

Communication has to be two-way. If one of a couple won't talk, I can understand the other trying any means to get him/her to engage.

If nothing works, the relationship is doomed.

tinktinktinkerbell

Is my husband being unreasonable?

hell yes!

he has no right to tell you what sites you can and cant go on

jayII

musictomyears wrote: »

I am still here! I just don't want to post too much personal info & risk getting into more trouble.

......

I have tried to talk to my husband. In fact, when I knew that he knew a particular name/forum I deliberately posted, so that he would see how I felt, but he didn't. I sent him emails imploring him to talk, but he didn't.

This thread however, is not about my relationship & problems in it really, it was just about his decision to cut me off, as if a little child. I do take on board that I may have violated his privacy however.

We can all speculate about why he is behaving like this, but it could be one of many different issues, from worrying about his privacy, to fear of being faced with his own inability to cope with the tragedy, or many others. Given what you have alluded to, he is possibly drowning under his own grief and feels threatened at the thought of you finding support but that is, again, only speculation.

You are in a better position to guess at his reasoning than any stranger on the internet and until he is ready to talk, it sounds as if there is little you can do to sort things out with him. Keep reaching out and hopefully he will soften in time.

So, until he is ready, you need to focus on what you can change and on ensuring your own emotional survival. The best way to do that is either to:
1) Find another outlet for your emotions, like a support group or focussed counseling, or
2) Protect your laptop. To do that, I'd reinstall the operating system then password protect it. There are other methods to get rid of blocks and keyloggers etc, but a complete reinstall is quick and easy.

My heart goes out to you, it sounds like a hellish situation.

ilovelacoste

Whats his problem you are a grown up and responsible and know what your doing

Steel_2

Here's another take on things...could he be protecting you and protecting himself. Maybe he doesn't want you hurt any more and he doesn't want to hurt any more.

My father did this when my mother had cancer and was bed-ridden. He monitored everything. Cut out any stories in newspapers and magazines or pages in books related to cancer. Took away the TV remotes and took plugs off the TVs. No radios. Conversations monitored by him being in the room.

Maybe he thinks if he can stop you talking about what happened you'll all heal quicker. It's too painful for him to talk about, too raw. He wants to stop all the emotion.

But it doesn't work like that.

I've no idea what happened to you both, but maybe he blames himself in some way for what happened. Maybe he's scared you'll blame him so he monitors what you say to people on the web about him. I don't know. It sounds like he's shutting down emotionally to cope. Some men are just too afraid to let it all go and we don't bring boys up to be emotional. Maybe he thinks if he lets go of everything he's feeling he'll be weak and the fallout could be too big.

Apologies if this isn't the case - I always look at stuff from every angle and I'm not on here often enough to put two and two together and come up with your other username and your history by what you posted here. Some people here are pretty good at that - I'm terrible at it!

Was he a good husband before this bad thing happened? Is he a good husband in other respects apart from the computer thing?

Wickedkitten

Has he actually been getting any help dealing with this?