should I confront him and if so how?

speckham

Bit of background

I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 8 months and apart from this one issue he is an amazing guy. I love him very much and do not want to break up.

Now the problem - my computer has broken so I am typing this on his pc. His email hadn't been logged out and curiosity got the better of me and I found some emails I don't like - he has been talking to other women, receiving dirty pictures from them and sending some back of himself.

I don't know what to do. I don't think for a second he has physically cheated on me. We met on a dating website and I think for him it is a fantasy thing. Not long after we got together I saw an msn exchange I didn't like and confronted him on it. He was so upset, promised never to do it again bla bla bla and I feel really hurt that he is still bloody doing it. For the record I don't have an issue with him watching !!!!!!. It is impersonal. What I have an issue with is the one to one nature of it. To me it feels like cheating.

We have only just got married and are trying for a baby (we have had a miscarriage in the past). What the hell do I do now? If I confront him then I shouldn't have been reading his emails. If I don't this will fester.

Sambucus_Nigra

Oh dear. Perhaps stop trying for a baby until you have sorted this out.

yvonne13_2

OP when you got married that meant no secret's so if you choose to even go into his phone he shouldn't have an issue.

As for the cheating well actually he is, he may not be doing it physically but he is doing it mentally.

Errata

Tell him he left his email logged on when you used his PC, and because you're nosey (which we all are to a degree) and you read some of his emails and want to know what he thinks he's playing at. In the grand scale of things reading emails which are open is a far, far lesser crime than him emailing other women and swopping dirty pictures of each other.

FBaby

It's hard to advise, you have to do what you think it right for you. People can only tell you what they have done when confronted with the same situation, or what they think they would do. What I do know I would do is confront him because I just wouldn't be able to act 'normal' with such a thing on my mind. Unlike you, I would be seriously concerned that more has gone on. Whether it has or not, I would be devastated and would consider this not far from cheating. I would definitely consider it as deception. What I would do after that, I really don't know.

I feel for you, the shock must have been devastating. It is so hard when you just don't see it coming and would never assume your partner could possibly do something like that.

speckham

I know he hasn't cheated physically. He wouldn't have it in him. The last time was some girl in Canada he was talking to before he talked to me who he had never met and never would meet. He is never back from work later than expected, doesn't go out that often (his choice not mine) so I think this goes back to when he was on the dating websites and is a fantasy thing.

I don't know what to do. I can't pretend I haven't seen it but I don't want my world to come crumbling down either. Sticking my head in the sand is the easier but not the right thing to do

GAAH YOU STUPID STUPID MAN. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!!!

sukysue

He probably doesn't consider it as cheating ....and technically it isn't but this is very addictive behaviour and I think you do need to challenge him as he may not be able to stop. He does it for titillation and excitment and will be devastated you have found out. I am sure he thinks it is harmless and he is not hurting anyone just having a bit of fun. GOOD LUCK M'DEAR.

Judith_W

If I found what you have found, that would be a deal-breaker for me. Yes you looked at his emails, a tiny breach of confidence, but if he'd caught you at it without anything to hide it would have been a quick argument and apology. This is different so don't get onto the back foot thinking you should hide what you did.

Decide in your own mind what this means for your relationship, if it is a deal breaker, then you need to decide how to move on from here, if it isn't and you want to listen to his side, you need to think about what information you have from him and how you want to convey to him what you feel and what you need from him in the future.

VfM4meplse

speckham wrote: »

What the hell do I do now? If I confront him then I shouldn't have been reading his emails. If I don't this will fester.

If you want him to stop, you will have to discuss it with him. Of course this does not guarantee that he's going to stop but he sure as hell won't if you don't raise it.

I personally think this is a fantasy thing but it would leave me devastated. Whatever happened to forsaking all others?

Kirri

I would have already had a go at him by now!! Also where did he get these women's contact details from, has he been back on the dating site to make contact??

For me personally, not sure I could put up with someone apologising, they only apologise when caught. Fantasy thing or not a lot of men would take it further given the chance so I personally wouldn't trust a guy who was doing this and especially so soon into a marriage!

Errata

Kirri wrote: »

I would have already had a go at him by now!! Also where did he get these women's contact details from, has he been back on the dating site to make contact??

For me personally, not sure I could put up with someone apologising, they only apologise when caught. Fantasy thing or not a lot of men would take it further given the chance so I personally wouldn't trust a guy who was doing this and especially so soon into a marriage!

He may have lots and lots of previous which the OP hasn't been aware of.