should I confront him and if so how?

ska_lover

speckham wrote: »

I trust him not to cheat on me in the physical sense. In this virtual world where he seems to think he is don huan rather than a 5 ft 8 tubby bloke with glasses - I don't know. He has never met any of these girls and never will and he probably doesnt see the harm.

Maybe he is addicted to the thrill of the chase, the flirtation, and the risk of what he can't/won't have, and maybe you are right, i mean I am not slating all men, but sometimes they can be a bit niave to what can be hurtful to a woman.

God knows. I give up trying to work out the inner workings of mens minds.

Kirri

What site is he using to find these women?? I mean is it just a chat room type thing or has he got a dating type profile set up or paying for it?

faerie~spangles

meritaten wrote: »

I find this difficult because some people do not see this type of thing as 'cheating' - to them it is harmless. But, it isnt is it? because it has HURT you. Its cheating because he wasnt open about it - he hasnt told you because he KNOWS you wouldnt like it and would be hurt by it.
Think very hard hun about whether you want to start a family right now - this needs sorting out first as a priority.
You are going to have to tell him you saw those emails - and that they upset you.
Listen to his explanation - then decide how to proceed.

I see it as a form of cheating too. However the OP met her husband online ...

And I may be overstepping the mark here. It is possible they exchanged 'pics' of a sexual nature before meeting. Therefore she knew what she was getting into.

In no way am I condoning his behaviour or hers for snooping.

Life is never black and white

yvonne13_2

speckham wrote: »

I trust him not to cheat on me in the physical sense. In this virtual world where he seems to think he is don huan rather than a 5 ft 8 tubby bloke with glasses - I don't know. He has never met any of these girls and never will and he probably doesnt see the harm.

How do you know? Don't ever vouch for someone, if someone is going to cheat ect they will find a way.

speckham

I found an email to the site cancelling his subscription from around the time we moved in together but it seems some of these 'women's are still emailing him and the tit cant help responding

meritaten

speckham wrote: »

I trust him not to cheat on me in the physical sense. In this virtual world where he seems to think he is don huan rather than a 5 ft 8 tubby bloke with glasses - I don't know. He has never met any of these girls and never will and he probably doesnt see the harm.

then it is down to you speckham whether you can put up with his 'online' cheating.
can you understand that and either turn a 'blind eye' or accept that he does it?
because he wont cheat in the 'physical' sense?

you seem to have a grasp on his mentality hun - I think you may well be able to cope with his 'online' persona.
If not physically cheating is more important to you - and you can put up with the online stuff - then how important is telling him you know? are you willing to collude with him about the online cheating? if you know its not going to result in 'physical' cheating? or would you be worried that he may meet someone from online?
This is entirely down to you - other posters can say he has crossed the line - but where is YOUR line? online is ok but physical isnt?

Get that sorted in your head and then discuss it with OH.

Kirri

speckham wrote: »

I found an email to the site cancelling his subscription from around the time we moved in together but it seems some of these 'women's are still emailing him and the tit cant help responding

Well if it's definitely the same women, at least he hasn't gone out looking again then.. I would still check the site to make sure he hasn't got a profile up though now - how long has it been since he cancelled? I would expect someone to cancel their subscription from when things developed into a full on relationship personally!

Welshwoofs

Kirri wrote: »

Well if it's definitely the same women, at least he hasn't gone out looking again then.. I would still check the site to make sure he hasn't got a profile up though now - how long has it been since he cancelled? I would expect someone to cancel their subscription from when things developed into a full on relationship personally!

I'd be checking more than that site. Take it from me, it's not unknown for a man intent on virtual thrills to simply switch to a selection of the free dating sites when they're busted on a paying one.

If I were looking in his email I'd be interested in the contents of his spam and trash folders .... And in fact whether that's the only email account he's using. A good dig through browser history and temporary files on a computer often yields up interesting stuff if there's things to be found and I'm afraid I'd have no qualms about doing any of that if the guy had already proven to be deceitful.

*max*

speckham wrote: »

where he seems to think he is don huan rather than a 5 ft 8 tubby bloke with glasses

Really? That's how you think of your new husband?
I think you probably "settled" with him, rather than actually love him for who he is. I know I never ever thought of any of my boyfriends the way you do of your husband.

But then, issue at hand. What he is doing is not acceptable, no way no how. I think if after being caught the first time, he hasn't made the effort to change his ways, then he won't.

I think you are both guilty there, basically. You got married too soon.

Need_some_help

OP I have some sympathy with you. Something similar happened to me recently, athough admittedly I had only been seeing him for a while, it was so intense that when I found him on a dating site I was crushed. I cannot believe how hard it hit me, I was very much in love after a long spell of apathy, and had pinned so much on this relationship and at the time thought I may have conceived - this really screwed up my thught process - thankfully not the case.

I suffered it for about a month, and then went back to him. However I don't see him in the same way now and have developed a coldness towards him that is unlikely to change, even though I think I do love him. Whatever his good points are I'm sure that he's still on dating sites, the difference is that so am I now. I've been on a few dates with other men, and as soon as I find someone worth having I'm off. In the meantime being with him is the next best thing but I'm under no illusion that this will end sooner rather than later. The whole thing has made me bitter and untrusting, but I now think I am doing things on my own terms.