should I confront him and if so how?

BitterAndTwisted

Men and women often view this sort of behaviour differently. We've had no end of similar situations revealed and discussed on this forum of late. I think there's something in the water. Or some men cannot resist temptation of any kind, even when they are happy in a relationship. One woman's "acceptable and harmless" is another's "outrageous and I'm not bloody-well putting up with it". I am in the latter category.

If you go in all guns blazing and start with the attitude that you're going to "confront" your husband you are going to get hostility, not honesty. If you're unlucky even if you fall into the former category your husband will throw you in the latter one while he's slamming doors and getting the hump being very defensive.

Welshwoofs

speckham wrote: »

I don't know what to do. I can't pretend I haven't seen it but I don't want my world to come crumbling down either. Sticking my head in the sand is the easier but not the right thing to do

Sticking your head in the sand won't work because you can't 'unsee' what you've seen. If you don't tackle the situation then it'll rankle away at you and you'll know he's still doing it because he won't know he's been caught. You won't be able to act 'normally' in front of him, you'll probably end up deflecting your anger and having arguments over other, pettier things and you'll damage the relationship even more.

You have to confront it. It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker but now you know you should get some lines set in the sand of what are youre deal breakers. If this hurts you a lot (and it'd hurt most people) then you need to find out why he's doing it, get an undertaking that he'll stop and an understanding of what the consequences will be if he doesn't.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been through it myself (wasn't married but had been with my ex for 10 years). All I can say is that, much as it hurts, I'm far happier being single than in a relationship with zero trust.

Slinky_Malinky

MY heart goes out to you. It would make me sick to my stomach and personally I could not forgive this. I would always be expecting it to happen again and wondering if/when it would escalate into something more.

Maybe I really am an old prude, but what the hell is this thing about sending naked photos. Do people not realise that they may well end up being shown around at the pub for all to see and perv over?

verysillyguy06

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Sticking your head in the sand won't work because you can't 'unsee' what you've seen. If you don't tackle the situation then it'll rankle away at you and you'll know he's still doing it because he won't know he's been caught. You won't be able to act 'normally' in front of him, you'll probably end up deflecting your anger and having arguments over other, pettier things and you'll damage the relationship even more.

You have to confront it. It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker but now you know you should get some lines set in the sand of what are youre deal breakers. If this hurts you a lot (and it'd hurt most people) then you need to find out why he's doing it, get an undertaking that he'll stop and an understanding of what the consequences will be if he doesn't.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been through it myself (wasn't married but had been with my ex for 10 years). All I can say is that, much as it hurts, I'm far happier being single than in a relationship with zero trust.

OP, I have little to add as this post shows the way....you do really need to confront him and be honest how and why you looked at his PC. At the end, honesty is what you want of him and the best is to start where you want it to go to...

It will eat at you and come out in different ways until you confront him anyway. Maybe wait or ask him for a clear evening? You will need time to address this...it is not a 5 minute chat over the table topic


Be brave and hopefully he was just a total idiot, underestimating the seductive powers of the internet, it does happen bit how he reacts and what he does now will have to count...


Good luck !

nickj_2

i would think that if he really cared about you , he would be upset if you were emailing photos to some hunk . it is no good him saying i'm sorry , never do it again etc ... until the next time , it's either all you or nothing , sort this out brfore starting a family

faerie~spangles

You and he met on a dating site so you know the type of messages he sends.

Firstly you should not have opened his email account. just because he was logged in does not give you the right to do that.

Secondly you chose to open the email account now you are faced with a can of worms.

You say he doesn't go out, is never late home from work. All good.

I don't approve of what he is doing anymore than I approve of you 'snooping.'

Has he ever given you cause to mistrust him, other than this incident? If the answer is no then I suggest that you calm down.

It sounds to me like habitual behaviour, a fantasy escape if you will.

Obviously you will have to talk about it but wait until you have calmed down.

FBaby

faerie~spangles wrote: »

I don't approve of what he is doing anymore than I approve of you 'snooping.'

snooping only ever really becomes a problem when it is obsessive or when it shows something up that shouldn't have been there... as in that case. Most people who snoop do so because they are cause for concerns, as there was in this case because of his past 'mistake'.

Personally, I much prefer to be accused of snooping, then to live in the untruthful bliss of thinking all his well with my partner, when he is actually up to something that ultimately will hurt me deeply.

ska_lover

I agree with FBaby - people will only snoop when they feel they have cause - of cause they will. I have done it myself with past partners (and found my gut feelings to be true) and didn't regret it one bit - and moreso, really don't care what anyone else would care to think about it! I would hazard a guess most affairs are found out through snooping! People only fear if if they have something to hide and if i were the victim of an adulterous relationship I would certainly want to know and not bury my head in the sand for fear of snooping being frowned upon

OP, There does appear to be a trust issue with you and your OH. This thing with him flirting online/sending pictures certainly would not do for me. I would be asking why. Am I not enough for him? Why the need to boost his ego with this crap? You say he hasn't physically cheated, but he HAS mentally cheated. What was the plan for it all, where was it all heading?

I doubt I could be with a man like this, never mind have a baby with him knowing what you know.

meritaten

I find this difficult because some people do not see this type of thing as 'cheating' - to them it is harmless. But, it isnt is it? because it has HURT you. Its cheating because he wasnt open about it - he hasnt told you because he KNOWS you wouldnt like it and would be hurt by it.
Think very hard hun about whether you want to start a family right now - this needs sorting out first as a priority.
You are going to have to tell him you saw those emails - and that they upset you.
Listen to his explanation - then decide how to proceed.

LillythePink

I can relate to what you are going through as I went through this two months after we got married but it was with an ex of his. I found out he was emailing and chatting to her and they had exchanged "personal" pics if you get my meaning.

I kept my cool for about a week while I tried to figure out what was going on and how to tackle it. Yes it ate away at me but I didn't want to storm in and then get the sorry sob story I wanted to find out why and for that to happen it needed to be a calm conversation. It happened and we got over it until six months later when I discovered he had been talking to her again. This time I blew up totally. Whilst we did have another calm conversation about it.......well her and their relationship etc it did get heated and basically the choice was laid down.

He hasn't had any contact with her for over a year (that I know of and yes I do snoop but not so much now).

You have to decide what you want out of this. My oh said what you don't know doesn't hurt you and yes he is correct.....to a point but I can't live like that I would rather know as then I can think about me and what I want.

You have a tough road ahead which could get complicated if you get pg so that is something that I would advise you to knock on the head for a while until you feel that you and your relationship can handle it especially as your hormones will be all over the place during that time.

He needs to explain himself and make you understand why he has been doing those things silly as it sounds you do need to understand because then you can deal with him and what it means to you in a cool way and not just from pure emotion (which would probably involve pain to him

As for looking at his emails you have nothing to worry about he left it open he is at fault I am sure that if you left yours up he would peek (my oh admitted that when he accused me of snooping at his FB and finding conversations etc with IT as I affectionately call his ex!)

Don't take it lying down but don't go at him like a bull in a china shop as you will only get excuses and accusations levelled at you but you just need the truth.

Hugs for you

Xxxx