should I confront him and if so how?

daisiegg

yvonne13 wrote: »

I don't see that wrote anywhere, all I see is MSN message and that is totally different from email, so please show me where she put that unless I missed it then I take that bit back.

In her very first post...she said she was using his computer because hers is broken, he'd left his email account open, so she looked, and found EMAILS she did not like.

Welshwoofs

darlyd wrote: »

Hey OP can I just say that perhaps DH is missing the kind of spark he had, with excitement, and the attention he is receiving, I mean if he is not much of a looker it kind of makes sense to love the attention he is getting. I can't imagine it being because he wants to cheat on you, or hurt you.

He does know it hurts her because he's done it before and she told him. I'd also add that if he's the type of guy who constantly needs a 'spark' and 'excitement' and 'attention' then there needs to be some work on his maturity level because relationship naturally develop from the thrill of a new romance into something deeper.

If you have not already spoken to him about it, can I just say why don't you drop an email with a few dirty pics of you and what you want to do to him.? And approach him and ask him has he read his email today, I am sure he will want to read his email, but mainly in private, well go over his shoulder, let him have a look at your email, and then question him, "Oh who are these from", etc etc.

Ok, I'm really not understanding what this is meant to achieve. Reinforce his bad behaviour by not only validating it, but encouraging it?

And it's usually the innocent, sweet, kind, quiet men that end up liking that kind of attention, as 9/10 their partners are to gentle. Perhaps your DH likes a bit more than you think.

So essentially your advice is that it's all her fault for not giving him the kind of attention that involves sending him naked photos of herself. Have we honestly got to a stage where women who aren't comfortable getting their kit off for the cameras are somehow 'lacking' and unable to keep a man's attention?

I despair really.

FatVonD

Probably too late but I'd have either printed them off or forwarded them to myself as proof and you can be sure he won't leave it logged in again and will try to downplay what he's done.

You should be thanking your lucky stars you DON'T have a child with him, not desperately trying to cling onto a dream that's proven to have been built on shaky foundations.

Seanymph

I generally thank when I agree - but need a 'round of applause' button for Welshwoofs post.

Really, somehow it's acceptable for him to be getting his rocks off with other women? And the OP should be sending him pictures of herself to somehow compete with these sad individuals?

This is NOT looking at !!!!!!.

If her OH was looking at !!!!!! then the subject of his interest wouldn't know he existed. Wouldn't communicate with him - and it wouldn't be a mutual arrangement.

He is communicating, directly, with other women, on a MUTUAL basis - they are exchanging photos, they are talking, he knows them. They are real people, who know more about him and his habits than his wife does.

That isn't 'looking at !!!!!!' or 'getting a bit of excitement' - and the OP sending him pictures of herself won't cut it. If he wanted pictures of the OP he'd have them - he wants to get his jollies with women other than his wife (if the thread is true and I have severe doubts as I've said).

How long until one suggests a meet? Until he wants to take it a bit further because it's no longer fun enough? Until he wants a new one because the ones he's got he's seen so many times? How is he neglecting the OP whilst he's online talking to these women? What's she doing? How does he get the time? The privacy?

There is something very VERY wrong - and by goodness telling the OP somehow she doesn't 'excite' him enough is appalling.

Women have enough to contend with without thinking that some lowlifes habits and lack of commitment are somehow their fault.

Kirri

Tbh if he's been doing the above for some time, I wouldn't put it past him having met one of them by now - I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him myself not knowing where he might have been, especially unprotected sex.

Frugal_Bear_3

I'm still new to MSE but this post really struck a chord with me as it is incrediably similar to what I went through with my ex partner.
Before we moved in together I found loads of downloaded pictures of other women on his machine, not necessarily explicit but very beautiful women. At this point I didn't think much of it, just a man with natural emotions.
However not long after we did move in together I'd enter our shared study to always seeing him quickly hiding msn chat windows and his emails so I couldn't see them. It was only when this happened repeatedly over time that I started to wonder what he was hiding from me. I asked politely (as I didn't want to antagonise anything which could be completely innocent) and he said replies such as he heard me coming up the stairs and assumed tea was ready so he'd said goodbye to a mate.
To cut a long story short, I eventually found out he was continually looking at pictures of women sent to him from various walks of life, chat forums to colleagues at work and friends of friends. And it was extremely explicit conversations they were having too.
We had a very mature and civilised conversation, I explained how it disrespected me and made me feel and he agreed not to do it anymore.
After that it seemed to go away, until I realise that our own intimate life had dwindled to nothing and he still seemed happy. We grew apart and eventually went our separate ways.
Since parting I've learnt that one of the women he was communicating with had asked him to leave me to live with her (whilst we were a couple) and that he'd spent the night with her and lied to me about visiting his parents. And that was just one example.
With hindsight I now know that I wasn’t who he wanted to be with so his eyes always remained open.
Now I am not saying in any way that my bad experience is going to be the same as yours, we are all different, individual people. The key point I think here is what others have said above. This behaviour is not !!!!!! where its natural gratification instantly forgotten, this is two people sharing intimate aspects of their lives and private desires. Those intimate things IMO are to be shared only with those you love and trust 100%. If my new partner did these things - I'd be gone in less than a heartbeat.
Take care, of yourself. I wish you all the very best.

CotalogitoGof

I understand that you must be feeling a good amount of pain but try to see this from her perspective. In her eyes, you ARE an active threat to her marriage. I dont know her, so I cant vouch for her being a !!!!! or manipulative. She does sound insecure but that doesnt necessarily mean that shes treating him poorly. How does she belittle him in front of people? I dont think its unreasonable for her to want you and him to have less contact at this point. You two obviously have feelings for one another and perhaps she hopes that by limiting your contact, he can move on. And it also helps to eliminate temptation and the further growth of bonding and what not. This sounds like its irrevocably lost in the short term. No friendship to be salvaged with her and it sounds like theyre not trying to seek out much of one with you either way. Have you ever experienced your husband falling in love with another? I think if you havent, then its pretty hard for you to really get where shes coming from. I dated a married man for some time whos wife was really hesitant. I never really got it until the next guy I dated essentially cheated on me all the while telling me it was just !!!!ing and then is now in a relationship with her. After that happened, I began to better understand how she might have felt. Does that mean she should probably work on her issues? Yeah...insecurity is a problem but she also has no obligation to be polyamorous. It sounds like its not that helpful for you to be in this equation right now. Youre right, he does need to make his own choices and you have to let him.

Tiddlywinks

CotalogitoGof wrote: »

I understand that you must be feeling a good amount of pain but try to see this from her perspective. In her eyes, you ARE an active threat to her marriage. ....................... It sounds like its not that helpful for you to be in this equation right now. Youre right, he does need to make his own choices and you have to let him.

Eh? Have I missed something in this thread?

First post of newbie that registered back in July so spam? If you agree, hit the button!

yvonne13_2

CotalogitoGof wrote: »

I understand that you must be feeling a good amount of pain but try to see this from her perspective. In her eyes, you ARE an active threat to her marriage. I dont know her, so I cant vouch for her being a !!!!! or manipulative. She does sound insecure but that doesnt necessarily mean that shes treating him poorly. How does she belittle him in front of people? I dont think its unreasonable for her to want you and him to have less contact at this point. You two obviously have feelings for one another and perhaps she hopes that by limiting your contact, he can move on. And it also helps to eliminate temptation and the further growth of bonding and what not. This sounds like its irrevocably lost in the short term. No friendship to be salvaged with her and it sounds like theyre not trying to seek out much of one with you either way. Have you ever experienced your husband falling in love with another? I think if you havent, then its pretty hard for you to really get where shes coming from. I dated a married man for some time whos wife was really hesitant. I never really got it until the next guy I dated essentially cheated on me all the while telling me it was just !!!!ing and then is now in a relationship with her. After that happened, I began to better understand how she might have felt. Does that mean she should probably work on her issues? Yeah...insecurity is a problem but she also has no obligation to be polyamorous. It sounds like its not that helpful for you to be in this equation right now. Youre right, he does need to make his own choices and you have to let him.

?????? CotalogitoGof have you posted this on here in error?

Need_some_help

Peater wrote: »

What a sorry and tragic existence. Do you really NEED to be in a relationship SO much that your are willing to degrade yourself like this?

Total lack of empathy here, incase you hadn't noticed.

Not true, it's very compartmentalised and I've got my life back. Part of that plan is to enjoy his company whilst it lasts and then get my revenge.

I'm not looking for your empathy but just presented the facts as they are. You can get off your high horse and go back to the sistahood now.