should I confront him and if so how?

Kirri

speckham wrote: »

He cancelled his subscription when we moved in together in Mar 2009. He has been responding to emails from his personal account not one linked to a website.

So if it's the same women from before it was cancelled in 2009, he's been doing this for nearly 3 years???

speckham

yvonne13 wrote: »

So my curiousness got to me and I looked at OP's other posts and surprise surprise OP deleted them before starting this thread, therefore I don't care for this thread as something is not right, why hide what was wrote before actually I don't care.

The reason for deleting previous posts is that I find some upsetting particularly upsetting from early dec on the day I found out I was pregnant and was posting on the dfw board my full SOA with a view to paying off my debts before arrival of baby who will now not be arriving.

Why look at my previous posts if you don't care.

speckham

Kirri wrote: »

So if it's the same women from before it was cancelled in 2009, he's been doing this for nearly 3 years???

I don't know if it is the same person. I don't remember the name of the other person - just that she lived in canada.

Any way I think I am going to bow out now as I have made my decision to talk to him and try and sort it out. Thanks to those who listened and offered advice.

curlygirl1971

Hi Speckham

I'm not married and nor have I been in the situation you are in. But I just wanted to say best of luck and hope you get the situation resolved and happily.

I don't think what he has done is the worst thing in the world, I don't think it necessarily means the end of the relationship. No one on here truly knows you or knows your husband - you are your own best judges. I guess there are lot of people on here that have had their fingers badly burnt in relationships - me included - and no one would like to see you taken for a fool - so perhaps that is what some people are trying to say.

I think you should defintely approach him, I think you should tell him what you want to happen going forward and if he can't do that then you probably need to have a think about you want for your future. He does sound like he does this for fantasy purposes - like some men/women look at p0rn. Perhaps he has rationalised it in his own head as a separate compartment to his marriage, he doesn't realise that some would feel its being unfaithful. Perhaps its just something he feels he needs to do, perhaps its a habit. I say Perhaps - because none of us really know what is going on inside your marriage, inside your husbands head.

And saying your husband is tubby with glasses just sounds like a factual description rather than a criticism. It's how I would describe myself!

The very best of luck to you - keep your chin up

Cx

Kirri

speckham wrote: »

I don't know if it is the same person. I don't remember the name of the other person - just that she lived in canada.

Any way I think I am going to bow out now as I have made my decision to talk to him and try and sort it out. Thanks to those who listened and offered advice.

Try and find out who this is, where he got her details from, ie a dating site, sex site, is it a colleague even.

Good luck in whatever you do, but don't let him take you for a mug, men will say anything a woman wants to hear to get themselves out of a mess... I know you want to stay with him but you are still young enough to find someone else, you don't want to find out further down the line, it's still going on and then waste more life and still be in this position.

Darlyd

Hey OP can I just say that perhaps DH is missing the kind of spark he had, with excitement, and the attention he is receiving, I mean if he is not much of a looker it kind of makes sense to love the attention he is getting. I can't imagine it being because he wants to cheat on you, or hurt you.

If you have not already spoken to him about it, can I just say why don't you drop an email with a few dirty pics of you and what you want to do to him.? And approach him and ask him has he read his email today, I am sure he will want to read his email, but mainly in private, well go over his shoulder, let him have a look at your email, and then question him, "Oh who are these from", etc etc.

Just act calm, and be confident. Perhaps whip his !!!! into touch!

And it's usually the innocent, sweet, kind, quiet men that end up liking that kind of attention, as 9/10 their partners are to gentle. Perhaps your DH likes a bit more than you think.

sukysue

Aw bless you don't listen to half what is said on here love some of it is knee jerk reaction and what he's done is very silly and not very nice and very very thoughtless but not in the grand scheme of things UNFORGIVABLE. Good luck and try and speak to someone who knows the 2 of you in the real world and get their perspective but be warned someone confidential and who won't use it against you in any way shape or form.

Tiddlywinks

speckham wrote: »

I am not going to run from my marriage over this but I am going to make it very clear where the line is and what will happen if he crosses it again.

Last time we had been together two months so it was a different situation.

You are going to give him another LAST chance? He already knows that you will find the behaviour unacceptable as you have already told him once before - the fact that you told him this two months into the relationship just makes it worse IMO.

How can he possibly not know that this would hurt you now after you are married and trying for a family??? After all, you already told him that you were unhappy with it back in the early days of your relationship.

speckham wrote: »

I trust him not to cheat on me in the physical sense. In this virtual world where he seems to think he is don huan rather than a 5 ft 8 tubby bloke with glasses - I don't know. He has never met any of these girls and never will and he probably doesnt see the harm.

So, is he stupid? Doesn't see the harm? You've already told him once that you find it unacceptable - how many times will you keep on telling him?

speckham wrote: »

I found an email to the site cancelling his subscription from around the time we moved in together but it seems some of these 'women's are still emailing him and the tit cant help responding

Oh for goodness sake, can you hear yourself - the women are contacting him and he can't help himself? He sent them photos, he keeps their details!

He could have just told these women that he had now found the love of his life and asked them not to contact him again. Then deleted any more messages - simple! Why didn't he? Because he has put his gratification above your happiness.

Bottom line - you told him his internet love interests upset you, he ignored it. Any more pain he causes you now over this issue will be because you allow him the opportunity to keep on disappointing you.

Your choice!

suki1001

I could accept my oh looking at !!!!!!, but this is different. He's getting envolved. I'm not saying leave him, but don't dismiss it as "just something he does for a thrill", that's what men who visit prostitutes probably say. If he's having intimate conversations with these women, which he must be doing, as well as the "I'll show you mine" routine", do you really see this is the same as looking at !!!!!!?

The question is, do you think what he's doing is the same as looking at !!!!!!? Because I really, really don't, I think what's he's doing is really disrespectful to you. It's hurtful to you and very selfish. If a friends husband was caught doing this, would you be thinking the same thing and making the same allowances?

I think what welshwoofs is saying is absolutely right. Do check the internet history etc, if you want a clearer picture of what might have been going on, although be careful and be prepared if you find out more truths about him.

Peater

Need_some_help wrote: »

OP I have some sympathy with you. Something similar happened to me recently,,,,,,,
Whatever his good points are I'm sure that he's still on dating sites, the difference is that so am I now. ,,,,,,,, as soon as I find someone worth having I'm off. In the meantime being with him is the next best thing but I'm under no illusion that this will end sooner rather than later. The whole thing has made me bitter and untrusting, but I now think I am doing things on my own terms.

What a sorry and tragic existence. Do you really NEED to be in a relationship SO much that your are willing to degrade yourself like this?

Total lack of empathy here, incase you hadn't noticed.