should I confront him and if so how?

sukysue

Need_some_help wrote: »

Not true, it's very compartmentalised and I've got my life back. Part of that plan is to enjoy his company whilst it lasts and then get my revenge.

I'm not looking for your empathy but just presented the facts as they are. You can get off your high horse and go back to the sistahood now.

I think damn well good for you love let him have a dose of his own medicine when it suits you!

haras_nosirrah

I have been reading this thread with interest as a similar thing happened to me with an ex. In my case he knew the girls (work colleagues and 17 the dirty !!!!!! as he was 32 at the time) so we couldn't overcome it but I hope the op can sort it out as if he hasn't physically cheated I don't think she should divorce him.

If the op is still reading this thread after some of the comments she got I hope she will come back and update us when she has spoken to him to let us know how she got on.

One thing I don't like about mse is the fondness some people have to jump on new posters shouting troll, spammer, liar etc when there is no evidence for it (hence why Martin bought in the be kind to new posters rule). If I was the op I am not sure I would come back after people are saying she is a troll and calling her a stupid doormat who should divorce her husband when (while a stupid thing to do and something she needs to tell him off for) he hasn't physically cheated. Jeremy Kyle doesn't have as one of his lie detector questions 'did you look at pictures of pretty girls on the internet'. Maybe that is why the divorce rate of this country is so high - people run at the first hardship. Why don't we give people the benefit of the doubt and just offer advice rather than jumping at them. Especially on this board and the dfw board people post with serious problems and are often crying out for help and some nasty posts could push them over.

Just my two pence worth (sits back and waits to be called a troll)

Big_Alf

haras_nosirrah wrote: »

I have been reading this thread with interest as a similar thing happened to me with an ex. In my case he knew the girls (work colleagues and 17 the dirty !!!!!! as he was 32 at the time) so we couldn't overcome it but I hope the op can sort it out as if he hasn't physically cheated I don't think she should divorce him.

Maybe that is why the divorce rate of this country is so high - people run at the first hardship. Why don't we give people the benefit of the doubt and just offer advice rather than jumping at them.

I am interested to hear your views on domestic abuse. Applying this logic you think psychological abuse is not grounds for divorce, only physical? Have to say I totally disagree with you.

[FONT=&quot]Also (in my humble opinion) I have to say that one half of a couple swapping explicit correspondence and pictures with other women is not usually found filed under ‘hardship’. Maybe I’m just old fashioned and have a different moral compass but my OH would be out on her proverbial if I ever found her doing something like this.[/FONT]

doodoot

I've also been reading this with a lot of interest, as I know someone who experienced something similar to the OP - no known physical contact, but lots of online chat of an unacceptable nature.

My next comment may get me flamed, but I feel that it's a valid point to make.

Many people tend to resort to a fantasy life when extreme pressure and upset occurs - OP has said that a miscarriage has occurred and this can cause partners to close off and deal with grief in strange ways.

If OP's hubby was struggling to come to terms with what happened, then his online life could be an escape from the day-to-day upset in the marriage.

Now I'm not condoning what he's doing but I can understand WHY he's doing it.

OP, I would sit him down and tell him that you know what has been going on and give him an ultimatum.

Either he halts immediately and allows free access to his PC so that you can check in the future, or he packs up and leaves.

Trust is paramount in ANY relationship and he has crossed that line twice now...he needs to step up and be a proper husband.

Personally I would be in bits if my DH did this, but I would definitely work on salvaging the marriage if the rest of the relationship was fine.

But if I discovered any physical contact had been made, then I would have to be kept away from sharp objects in the house. :mad:

Seanymph

doodoot you missed the point that he's done it continuously since he met her. These aren't 'new' women - they are apparently ones he's been in contact with ever since they got together.

So it isn't a sudden life event that has thrown him that way.

haras he isn't 'looking at pictures of pretty girls on the internet'. If he was I'd be fine about it too. It's not !!!!!!. The models aren't paid. It's interactive, mutual, with other, lonely adults who are seeking liaisons. It is someones husband sending intimate pictures of himself to women he talks to, confides in, has built a relationship with, and he's getting his rocks and intimacy that way instead of with his wife or partner.

It is completely different. There is no way to minimise it apart from lie about what he's doing as you did in your post - he is not 'looking at pictures' he is emailing, conversing, sharing secret times with someone who is currently remote enough that they aren't actually meeting in person to do it.

But he would given the chance is my betting.

As for calling someone a troll, because it was me, no one else. I have grave doubts about this thread. It isn't something I go around saying, it's not something I entertain, but I have use internet forums a lot, and this does look mighty suspicious to me, even down to 'not everyone is swallowing this story so I will flounce off, wait for the heat to die down and manufacture another crisis.'

I hope I'm wrong, the OP comes back and updates us, and it seems more believable as the story unfolds.

However I had doubts, so I shared them. So far I see no reason to not have those doubts - we are all now having what amounts to an academic discussion over boundaries within relationships, which may help someone later on who comes across the thread. It appears the OP hasn't got the response they wanted.

Tiddlywinks

haras_nosirrah wrote: »

..... I hope the op can sort it out as if he hasn't physically cheated I don't think she should divorce him.
.................

Jeremy Kyle doesn't have as one of his lie detector questions 'did you look at pictures of pretty girls on the internet'.
.................

Just my two pence worth (sits back and waits to be called a troll)

Why would anyone call you a troll? Do you know the meaning of that word in an internet forum context? Misguided as to identifying the salient points of this thread, yes; troll, no - in my opinion, of course.

In your post you have been very selective in your presentation of the main points. Seanymph has summed up why the majority find the described behaviour to be more serious than your interpretation.

Seanymph wrote: »

... he isn't 'looking at pictures of pretty girls on the internet'..... It is someones husband sending intimate pictures of himself to women he talks to, confides in, has built a relationship with, and he's getting his rocks and intimacy that way instead of with his wife or partner.

The bottom line is that this behaviour is ongoing - despite the OP already telling her OH that she finds it unacceptable.

rrf494g

what the mutual commitments between you and your husband are.

Perhaps you have never discussed it explicitly. But you probably have "an understanding". Nobody else can therefore give good advice about the relative merits of "snooping" v. "internet relationships". It depends on your (mutual ) understanding of your marriage.

It doesn't matter if I think "snooping" is far worse than "internet relationships" or vice versa. What maters is the understanding the two of you have about your commitments. Should you confront him? I would suggest not. Should you talk about it? I would suggest most certainly. That's the only way to know what the both of you want from the marriage.
Good Luck.

Need_some_help

OP, you've gone quiet. Did you confront your OH?

This is a bit of a dangerous weekend...staying in because of the weather combined with a free weekend for both Match and eHarmony. It's worth keeping an eye on both sites (I can see mine online atm). It's a hard journey to go through, but the behaviour just won't change, and the sooner you realise this, the better. (((Hugs))).

Off to make some Weetabix cake to block out some of the pain.

speckham

Hi Everyone

My husband and I have had the talk. There was no shouting or swearing as I am a non confrontational person. I woke up around 4am and was thinking about it all and he heard and felt me crying - asked what was wrong and it all came out. We ended up crying together as he was saying he didn't want to lose me and he didn't know why he did it. He told me that he hasn't had any of these conversations since we got married and on checking the dates he is telling the truth - the picture he sent was 18 months ago but still in his sent emails.

I basically told him that this is his last chance - it is me or these girls and he has said it will always be me.

He has agreed to go with me to relate to talk through what happened but we are staying together

Thanks to all who helped when I needed an ear. I hope we can get through this.

whatshouldido

Good luck speckham..