Surely he wouldn't get my kids at the weekend...

duchy

If I've understood right the children are 1 and 3 and are with a childminder not school or nursery.

The kids could have PJ and Disney/days out etc with Dad on week days and the same with Mum at weekends without either parent needing to adjust their schedule -and yes they would also benefit from Mum having a smaller childminder bill which would benefit them as their would be more disposible income in their family home. (and benefit the taxpayer as less childcare on tax credits)

I don't see how -at this point -this is a bad thing although obviously the situation would need to be reassessed when the kids start school but for now it seems to be a workable situation for all.

It's very telling that the NRP was happy with weekday access until the OP refused to buy him a gun for recreation and wanting to "take away" her time with the kids at weekends appears to be his way of "getting back" or punishing her for that.

My only reservation from the OP's point of view is that if he is doing this from spite/resentment then the next obvious thing to do to get back at her would be to not show up when he was having the kids or show up late thus preventing her from working/getting to work on time. For that reason alone I'd give in on weekend access knowing that he's unlikely to keep it up if his problems are so bad.....and if his issues improve -well that's better for everyone.

There's a fine line between keeping things civilized and co-operative for the chidren -and allowing an ex partner to interfere with your everyday life post seperation. Usually it's healthier for all concerned not to still be relying on the NRP (or indeed the PWC for that matter) .

Seanymph wrote: »

*having read through more now I have edited*

Your children will be at school/pre-school/playgroup during the week. Your husband will want the weekend to sit around in pj's and watch disney movies, or take the day to visit relatives, or go away camping, or do any of the other things use two free days for.

And he should be able to do that.

I'm sure you could ALSO offer weekdays access, But that isn't his 'job' any more than it's yours.

Why on earth should the fact that he currently doesn't work mean he doesn't deserve the quality time with his children, the time to bond and play - and somehow you do?

.

Acc72

AimeesMum wrote: »

He isn't and won't be looking for work. He has been on Incapacity Benefit for nearly 4 years due to his mental health problems and as far as I am aware has been signed off indefinitely.

From your posts, it appears that he is not exactly the reliable sort.

However, it also appears that he has been the same since you met him and that he has not changed.

As your children are aged 1 and 3 you saw him fit enough to father your children and to have access/look after them whilst you were together (presumabely whilst you were at work and he was not working?), but now that you have split up you do not feel that he should have access to his children every other weekend ?

If he was good enough then, why isn't he good enough now ?

bestpud

AimeesMum wrote: »

Trust me the bad traits did matter when we were together - I was just very scared and doing what I could to get through every day. I was wholly miserable when we were together, always wondering when the next 'episode' of self harm or domestic abuse would start. It was much easier to forgive when everyone blamed it on the mental health problems, for which no medical professional will help him.

I am in no way trying stop him from seeing his kids. That is the last thing that I want. As I have said twice now, he was fine with this arrangement until I refused to buy him this air gun thing. It's not for a job - he wishes to do it 'for fun'.

We were at a child protection hearing last week (as he tried to commit suicide in the house) and I didn't 'turf him' out - Social Work did. I have done my best for my ex - and put up with a hell of a lot more than I believe that most people would.

I read your original thread on here and you had decided he was leaving way before social services said anything of the sort.

In fact, they were ok with the situation at that point!

That's your decision obviously, but it's a bit misleading to say you had no choice.

But anyway, for a while it looked convenient to have him look after the children while you are at work, as it saves you money and you get the children every weekend. I hope you can see why it is a bad idea to rely on him in that way?

If he is like you say he is, I honestly don't understand why you would give him that control over your job?

Stick with weekends - its better for you all that way.

Seanymph

They may be at a childminder now - but they won't be for long. In fact at 3 the eldest will very soon be looking to join a pre school and will need dropping off and picking up.

If it is court ordered what fits NOW may not fit in 12 months, the problem with it being court ordered is that flexibility is lost.

I also still feel that circumstances change, the OP's ex has had huge changes in circumstances also, for all we know he could find somewhere to live and desire overnight visits within the next few months and then he will be having them overnight.

Generally in these circumstances the OP would retain more control by being amenable and conceding than by forcing the ex through the court system. Then no one has control

Mojisola

balletshoes wrote: »

okay then look at it this way - if he's unreliable and has mental health and alcohol problems, then maybe its better that his access to the kids is every 2nd weekend.

That way he doesn't have the chance to mess up your childminding routine and leave you in the lurch if he doesn't turn up midweek, and you can be assured that if he doesn't turn up when he's supposed to on the weekends, that you are there to be with your children.

Although you will probably find the weekends that he has them difficult, balletshoes' idea is the reason I would want him to have them at the weekend.

Imagine how much more difficult it would be if he was meant to have them on a workday and didn't turn up. Your work is going to be affected and the children are going to be stressed because you're racing around looking for alternative childcare and getting (justifiably) angry with their father.

paddy's_mum

Sorry to be at odds with many of the responders on this thread but if these were my children, I would be doing everything I possibly could to keep this dangerous man far, far away from them, and to hell with what the law says!

The man is a loaded gun with the safety catch off!

bestpud

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Sorry to be at odds with many of the responders on this thread but if these were my children, I would be doing everything I possibly could to keep this dangerous man far, far away from them, and to hell with what the law says!

The man is a loaded gun with the safety catch off!

Most of us are wondering why the OP is contradicting herself.

She isn't saying she doesn't want him to have the children, despite all the things she has said about him; she is saying she wants him to have them on her terms.

Soo, he's apprently unreliable and even a danger to them, but it's absolutely fine for her to rely on him when she needs to be at work...

There is some exaggeration going on too, because social services weren't the ones to initiate their separation. Also, if they were that worried about him being around them when their mum is with them, can you imagine them thinking it ok for him to be their childminder?

Personally, I'd be going for supervised access if all the info on here is correct, but I suspect we're getting an edited version and we're definitely only getting one side.

Supermom

I think you have one option and that is to speak to Social Services about the gun situation. He sounds unstable and there is no way on gods earth should he be left alone with these babies. Sorry if that is harsh but how many times have we heard the terrible news that some unstable ex (be it man or woman) has out of spite killed poor little children. Please seek professional advice.

bungle4by4

i love the all the people jumping on a man who has 'mental health problems' 'alcholic' and is 'armed and dangerous'

can you people not see your getting one side of a story, written to get you to give the OP some moral support. The father was perfectly acceptable as free childcare, but he's in need of locking up and a full frontal lobotomy for arguing with the OP.

Pathetic, attention seeking thread.

daska

AimeesMum wrote: »

He says that he wants to go shooting squirrels. Apparantly one of the guys that is in the B&B has an uncle who owns a farm and he has said that he wants rid of the grey squirrels. The rifle including all the bits is over £200!

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Is that really all he's fit for? I know times are tough, but this cannot be the only job opportunity available. If any other job required an upfront investment of £200, most people would rightly walk away. So ask yourself what else makes it so attractive to him? It's hardly a job with prospects.

Ah, but it might be useful to someone, very timely LOL

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/16789326
http://blacksquirrelproject.org/