Surely he wouldn't get my kids at the weekend...

copa_feela

Do you not want/ need some time for yourself? Most single mums I know are grateful for a day to themselves once in a while!

Mojisola

AimeesMum wrote: »

They are 1 and 3 and he would only be coming to pick them up, take them for the day and return them. He is allowed no unsupervised overnight care as he has mental health problems and an alcohol problem. He also never has any money to take them anywhere as as soon as his giro goes in, he spends it on god knows what and bugs me every day for money.

It does help if you give all the information in the opening post!

You may have some arguments for suggesting weekdays under these circumstance but you're not doing yourself any favours by describing 'your' (plural) children as 'my' children. If you want the court to look favourably on you, be careful of the words you use. The use of 'my' could be seen as indicative of you being determined to cut him out of their lives and they have a right to see their father unless he totally messes things up.

Blackpool_Saver

I paid my ex-husband to have our son so I could work, he paid me no money at all, he was what my solicitor called a man of straw

daska

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

If the kids are pre-school age and only attend a childminders then i see OP's point. Weekends are only really "days off" if you work through the week. To the poster who said he would want to take advantage of things on a weeked, there is PLENTY to do during week days - in fact, it will be quieter if he wants to take them out to farm parks, attractions etc. The OP makes fair point about being with a parent rather than a childminder AND to be honest, if i was OP, i would be peeved at having to pay out for a childminder when their dad is sat at home on week days not doing anything and then wanting to see them only at weekends!!

Obviously its very different if they attend school etc during the week as then dad would barely see them.

I have a 4 year old, I'm pretty up to speed on what's available during the week for pre-schoolers, but there's this wierd quirk kids have, the do insist on getting older and starting school and growing up... Given the information provided when I wrote that post it seemed pretty clear that unless the OP wanted to be back in court again and again it's best just to accept that the standard contact is alternate weekends/xmas and easter plus set time in the other holidays.

Having said that, the OP has now provided info that rather changes the complexion of the situation. If the deal with SS is that they must be able to drop in unannounced when dad is having contact then the timing of the contact has to be such that they can do that. So it is appropriate to retract what I said earlier and suggest the OP stop phrasing it so that it sounds like she's having a whinge and present the facts to those that need to be able to make an informed decision.

Blackpool_Saver

balletshoes wrote: »

okay then look at it this way - if he's unreliable and has mental health and alcohol problems, then maybe its better that his access to the kids is every 2nd weekend. That way he doesn't have the chance to mess up your childminding routine and leave you in the lurch if he doesn't turn up midweek, and you can be assured that if he doesn't turn up when he's supposed to on the weekends, that you are there to be with your children.

excellent advice, I was left waiting and praying I would not have to go to work late, he used to keep me waiting to upset me so I went to work in tears, as Ballet advises best at weekeknds then if he doesn't show you aren't going to lose your job....

Northern_Princess

I personally think you need to sit back and try to put the emotion your feeling about the breakdown of the relationship to one side. It takes 2 people to make children, you are BOTH parents no matter what happens between you. Far too many mums "call the shots" when it comes to contact and access. Your children are his children and he is still their dad. I have been through a very "messy" situation with my ex but it was completely different to yours. I tried everything to try and keep up contact to no avail. Put your bitterness aside, children need both parents. As I said in reply to your other thread new relationships can work with new partners becoming "dad" to step children, BUT that was only after my ex met a new girlfriend who was not "child friendly". Every parent should have contact with their kids in my view and that contact should not be compromised because of feelings between the parties who have split up. Children also need to keep up contact with wider family members who are no often available due to work commitments on weekdays ie Grandparents/Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. Put your feelings about your ex aside and do what's right by your children.

AimeesMum_2

Ok, apologies of the use of the word 'my'. My ex is a bit all over the place at the moment. When he first left, he used to phone my eldest every night before she went to sleep - that lasted about a week before this stopped. Now when she asks if she can, I text him and he ignores me or if he is on messenger and I ask, he signs out.

As I said in a previous post, he was happy with this arrangement until I refused to buy him a rifle with the money that I was saving on childminding fees.

bigmomma051204

fannyanna wrote: »

So???

Does that mean he shouldn't have access to his own children just because he doesn't have the money to take them on days out?

If you read back over other posts, i believe the OP is responding to someone suggesting that he might want to take them to events at the weekend. She was merely pointing out that he has no money to take them out. :cool:

I love how the PC Brigade turn up in force about issues like this - yes, all parents should see their kids (in theory/in a perfect world). But parents who have alcohol problems and mental health issues which are severe enough to have ensured the involvement of social care (a mean feat these days as they are so swamped!) should accept that until they sort themselves out a bit, the resident parent who IS making the effort to provide a STABLE environment for their kids is not going to be chomping at the bit to let them dictate when contact occurs and ensuring that it fits in with their non existant "schedule"....!

bigmomma051204

Northern_Princess wrote: »

I personally think you need to sit back and try to put the emotion your feeling about the breakdown of the relationship to one side. It takes 2 people to make children, you are BOTH parents no matter what happens between you. Far too many mums "call the shots" when it comes to contact and access. Your children are his children and he is still their dad. I have been through a very "messy" situation with my ex but it was completely different to yours. I tried everything to try and keep up contact to no avail. Put your bitterness aside, children need both parents. As I said in reply to your other thread new relationships can work with new partners becoming "dad" to step children, BUT that was only after my ex met a new girlfriend who was not "child friendly". Every parent should have contact with their kids in my view and that contact should not be compromised because of feelings between the parties who have split up. Children also need to keep up contact with wider family members who are no often available due to work commitments on weekdays ie Grandparents/Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. Put your feelings about your ex aside and do what's right by your children.

I take it that would be in a perfect world where there are no abusive parents.........

Anyone can make a child - it takes rather a lot more to be a parent. Sorry to rain on your "naive viewpoint" parade.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I paid my ex-husband to have our son so I could work, he paid me no money at all, he was what my solicitor called a man of straw

May I just say I think this makes you an incredible mum. It must have been gauling to pay your ex to care for his own child, when you recieved no financial help from him at all. Despite this you rose above it all and enabled your son to have a relationship with his father. I only hope that your ex treated your son really well and that they now have an amazing bond. You should be really proud of yourself because your selflessness is the mark of a really good parent in my eyes :T