Surely he wouldn't get my kids at the weekend...

esmy

AimeesMum wrote: »

He also has no family that would be seeing the kids. And if his 'friends' are all like the guy he turned up at my work with the other day completely drunk looking for money then I don't want them near his friends.

I agreed with the social work that he could see them but in my home and that they had to make unexpected visits to make sure that they were ok.

I'm confused - you agreed that he could see the children but in your home (and presumably with you there - to supervise??) What's happening at the moment? I imagine that there was a reason for the social worker wanting his contact to be at the home?

jojo_2012_2

Working full time all week you mustn't get a lot of good quality time with your young children as it is. Child access doesn't just happen and it's unlikely that an alcoholic with mental health issues will get overnight access straight away. I find one day of the weekend a week works out better because in theory the kids see dad regularly without it interrupting their routine (as much as he tries lol).

I'd like to see some of the negative posters on here meet your ex then leave their kids alone with him.

Blackpool_Saver

Have just read your other thread and after what he did at your house there is no way he should be allowed to have a rifle, please make sure that the relevant authorities are informed about his.
How long is it since this happened?

Blackpool_Saver

jojo_2012 wrote: »

Working full time all week you mustn't get a lot of good quality time with your young children as it is. Child access doesn't just happen and it's unlikely that an alcoholic with mental health issues will get overnight access straight away. I find one day of the weekend a week works out better because in theory the kids see dad regularly without it interrupting their routine (as much as he tries lol).

I'd like to see some of the negative posters on here meet your ex then leave their kids alone with him.

Yes but to be fair we were not given all the facts at the start, it would have been helpful to be given the back story or link to previous posts

VfM4meplse

DUTR wrote: »

Let me know who is perfect?

No-one's in search of perfection, but put simply:
((desire for) gun + alcohol +/- MH disorder) * economic hardship = highly likely to end in tears.

bestpud

jojo_2012 wrote: »

Working full time all week you mustn't get a lot of good quality time with your young children as it is. Child access doesn't just happen and it's unlikely that an alcoholic with mental health issues will get overnight access straight away. I find one day of the weekend a week works out better because in theory the kids see dad regularly without it interrupting their routine (as much as he tries lol).

I'd like to see some of the negative posters on here meet your ex then leave their kids alone with him.

Ah but the OP is happy for the dad to replace a childminder two days a week, so none of that is relevant here.

She is happy for him to step in and save her money, happy to give him control over whether she can get to work or not and happy to leave those children with him all day while she is at work and unable to step in if need be.

But he's 'not safe' to have them at the weekend, when she can step in if need be and is there for the children if he doesn't show.

How does that fit with your comments above then?

He has mental health problems and has been turfed put of his home 'so he can recover' and the children aren't at risk or being disrupted. Now he is being told he's not safe to be around the children but he can be their childminder. I can kind of see why he may feel a little peeved with that tbh!

DUTR

VfM4meplse wrote: »

No-one's in search of perfection, but put simply:
((desire for) gun + alcohol +/- MH disorder) * economic hardship = highly likely to end in tears.

It's already ended in tears,it is obvious the OP has low self esteem and feels nobody else will want her, the children is her only tool to keep the ex hanging around, all his bad traits didn't matter when they were dating and having all her hang ups is going to impede her moving on.
She is young and whilst there isn't an ideal time to start a family dating the wrong kind of guy in the 1st place is where it all went downhill. However whilst she has this pent up anger and fight power she is not going to pose an attractive proposition to the next young man who happens to be a nice guy.
Harsh yes but true.

AimeesMum_2

Trust me the bad traits did matter when we were together - I was just very scared and doing what I could to get through every day. I was wholly miserable when we were together, always wondering when the next 'episode' of self harm or domestic abuse would start. It was much easier to forgive when everyone blamed it on the mental health problems, for which no medical professional will help him.

I am in no way trying stop him from seeing his kids. That is the last thing that I want. As I have said twice now, he was fine with this arrangement until I refused to buy him this air gun thing. It's not for a job - he wishes to do it 'for fun'.

We were at a child protection hearing last week (as he tried to commit suicide in the house) and I didn't 'turf him' out - Social Work did. I have done my best for my ex - and put up with a hell of a lot more than I believe that most people would.

Seanymph

AimeesMum wrote: »

I don't understand your post. I am not saying that at all. I am saying that as he is free during the week surely it is unreasonable to need to have them at the weekend when I barely see them as it is

*having read through more now I have edited*

Your children will be at school/pre-school/playgroup during the week. Your husband will want the weekend to sit around in pj's and watch disney movies, or take the day to visit relatives, or go away camping, or do any of the other things use two free days for.

And he should be able to do that.

I'm sure you could ALSO offer weekdays access, But that isn't his 'job' any more than it's yours.

Why on earth should the fact that he currently doesn't work mean he doesn't deserve the quality time with his children, the time to bond and play - and somehow you do?

And also if he has it set from a court he gets, say Tuesday - Thursday then how will he be free to work? You are effectively using him as free childcare whilst YOU work, without paying him, and preventing him from being able to take a normal weekaday job.

You will be very VERY foolish if you allow this to go to court, because if you do for YOU to make changes, swap a weekend, ask for help if you are ill or whatever will be very difficult - he will wave a piece of paper you made him jump through hoops to get and tell you to stuff off. (or he could).

If you agree now, without a court order, you leave yourself much more wriggle room later. Because as it's not court awarded you can, either of you, change it about much more easily.

Your job here is to promote access to him for your children, enabling them to see as much of him as possible. Not to try to force him to do things because it's convenient to you.

AimeesMum_2

He isn't and won't be looking for work. He has been on Incapacity Benefit for nearly 4 years due to his mental health problems and as far as I am aware has been signed off indefinitely.

They won't be staying over as they are not allowed to stay over with him at present.