Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Stormy_waters

Seanymph wrote: »

Perhaps you could do less talking and 'telling' him how he should be and a bit more doing.

If you do, then generally people around you get towed along with you - or have to absolutely come out in opposition, what they can't do is drift.

So, get a babysitter and cook him and you dinner in with candles. Or go buy something you wear to bed he won't expect. Or ASK him to look out for a tent on ebay and all the kit so you guys can go weekend camping once the weather gets better (they are cheaper this time of year).... or arrange to meet another couple at swimming and take him with you. Or enrol in an Open University course (they do free ones or will offer funding) and have something else to talk to him about.

Give yourself three months. Do not tell him what to do at any point. Thank him for what he does. Ask him to do things you want him to do. But above all act as if you anticipate him being loving, supportive and fun at all times.

It's amazing how often people live up to our expectations of them - you expect him to be dismissive and insular and it's no surprise that's what you are seeing when you look at him.

Smile at him, have fun yourself within the relationship and you'll be someone to have fun with.

Act it out - fake it, keep faking it and he will almost certainly fall into step.

Ok, in short I love and hate your post at the same time. I find it incredibly encouraging and positive and at the same time terribly depressing.

I tried doing all those nice little things before but have been finding this increasingly harder since we hit rock bottom in our relationship. I guess I just got so wrapped up in my own anger that I just stopped trying. My point here is that as many here have said it takes two people to make it work. And when your anger has been snowballing for a long time all you feel is "Why me? why do I have to make changes? why do I have to make an effort to improve things (again)?" when the other person has no desire to. My OH has never surprised me with the candlelit dinner, he's never booked us a trip to the cinema, etc.
What I keep hearing from many of you here is that it's me who needs to make changes and he'll join in eventually. and that's the bit I really struggle with. I've got to the stage when I really can't be bothered "acting it out & faking it"

Oldernotwiser

Lifeisbutadream wrote: »

I agree.

Oh and I have tried and tried - we have both kown that it has not been right for a few years really. We have come to the end of the road now, which is of course a real shame because of the children, but you only get one life - I would like to find that passion that you describe at some point in the future..

And then what happens when the passion in that relationship wears off and becomes love rather than in love - do you move on looking for it again?

victory

Stormy_waters wrote: »

Ok, in short I love and hate your post at the same time. I find it incredibly encouraging and positive and at the same time terribly depressing.

I tried doing all those nice little things before but have been finding this increasingly harder since we hit rock bottom in our relationship. I guess I just got so wrapped up in my own anger that I just stopped trying. My point here is that as many here have said it takes two people to make it work. And when your anger has been snowballing for a long time all you feel is "Why me? why do I have to make changes? why do I have to make an effort to improve things (again)?" when the other person has no desire to. My OH has never surprised me with the candlelit dinner, he's never booked us a trip to the cinema, etc.
What I keep hearing from many of you here is that it's me who needs to make changes and he'll join in eventually. and that's the bit I really struggle with. I've got to the stage when I really can't be bothered "acting it out & faking it"

I think what the other posters are trying to say is, well ok my interperetaton of it, then that way I am speaking for me and not others is that say if you shout, someone is bound to shout back at you, if you are angry and stomping around it brings the mood down, any negative vibe gets picked up and carrys on through to the next person, the relationship....

If you were to have a happy calm attitude towards things then it gets projected back, people feed off positve vibes, they glow, you glow, if someone is happy and smiling and doing and creating opportunities for themselves they carry people with them, the other people want to be with them and bask in the positivity.

If you are seen to be doing and being pro-active whether it is booking a meal or organizing a cinema trip if the emotions are calm and giving people go along with that and see that it is a good thing to do, they come out themselves and join in.

Oldernotwiser

Stormy_waters wrote: »

What I keep hearing from many of you here is that it's me who needs to make changes and he'll join in eventually. and that's the bit I really struggle with. I've got to the stage when I really can't be bothered "acting it out & faking it"

The simple answer to this is that you are the only person you can change. You've tried changing him and it hasn't worked, in fact it sounds as if you've driven him further away.

I think that often, when you put things right on the outside, what happens on the inside follows.

jayII

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

And then what happens when the passion in that relationship wears off and becomes love rather than in love - do you move on looking for it again?

It doesn't always wear off. I know people in their 80's who still adore their partner and would describe themselves as in love. They might not be quite as sexually active, but the feelings and desire are still there.

Other older people, after decades together, are quietly and peacefully content and yet others thrive on squabbling and friction. It's horses for courses.

I believe everyone, and every couple, is different and has different emotional needs and tolerance levels to the next person and couple.

victory

It is very interesting this 'in love', 'passion', 'swooning everytime you see him' descriptions of love and marriage.

To me as has been said trust and respect, my OH is my best friend without a doubt, he is my confidant, my support, my love, he makes me laugh, he is honest and upfront and is a beautiful person inside. he has many qualities that over the years have become better, more intense, no sure, no swoonig everytime he comes home but after all these decades is that so necessary? It goes much deeper than that, knowing someone, sharing, caring, being there for them, the unsaid words as much as the said ones, the little actions speaking louder than words, the interactions, the chemistry, the need, the pleasure taken from each others company, either in happy silence or talking ten to the dozen.

If one side looses it, either because of apathy, depression, insecurity, lack of faith or love, the other should have the strength at that time for both of them, to carry them, if it all fails then that is a different matter, no relationship is all plain sailing and there is a rocky road to go down but it is worth it, love can return if it is handled with sensitivity, patience, understanding and hope.

Wickedkitten

My OH will more than happily do anything that I suggest doing but if I wait for him to do it off his own back, then I would be collecting dust. As close as we are, he can't read my mind anymore than I can read his so instead of sitting around fuming which wouldn't get us anywhere, I'm proactive more and say "hey hun do you mind doing x" and in turn my stress and anger levels are down and we both are happier.

victory

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

The simple answer to this is that you are the only person you can change. You've tried changing him and it hasn't worked, in fact it sounds as if you've driven him further away.

I think that often, when you put things right on the outside, what happens on the inside follows.

That is a very good point, pretty much what I was trying to say, if you change you, then others around you will react to you.

Lamens terms if you had a friend that was permanently miserable, moaned everytime you met for coffee, was hard work, drained you of all your energy and another that was fun and happy and get up and go and made you laugh and want to spend as much time in their company as you could which one would you pick to go out with?

victory

Wickedkitten wrote: »

My OH will more than happily do anything that I suggest doing but if I wait for him to do it off his own back, then I would be collecting dust. As close as we are, he can't read my mind anymore than I can read his so instead of sitting around fuming which wouldn't get us anywhere, I'm proactive more and say "hey hun do you mind doing x" and in turn my stress and anger levels are down and we both are happier.

I used to do that, be convinced he knew what I wanted to do/go and see/what should happen/he would just know and we would just do it, it does not happen that way, now as you I no longer sit and mutter and moan how insensitivy I think he is because he never passed with flying colours his 'read my mind' diploma:rotfl:

I just ask and we do, he asks and we do, simple solution, no need to sit there festering in anger and resentment and feelings of he is holding me back ,he does not understand me, he does not care about me because he has not read my mind, wailing into my coffee, no, I just ask, so much easier;)

Oldernotwiser

jayII wrote: »

It doesn't always wear off. I know people in their 80's who still adore their partner and would describe themselves as in love.

I adore my husband and obviously haven't made myself clear if you think that I don't. Neither does it have very much to do with sexual activity, waning or not.

Much of this discussion is about use of language as I very much agree with Margaretclare's description of her feelings, although personally I wouldn't describe that as being "in love", but neither can I imagine being able to say " I love my husband to bits" and yet be separating from him as in LIBAD's case.