Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Oldernotwiser

Lifeisbutadream wrote: »

Whilst it is lovely to hear about the happy marriages (and it really is lovely to hear about them), lots of marriages DO break down for what appear to the outside things that can easily be repaired, but when you are on the inside, you know that you have tried everything possible and it just doesnt work any more.

And I COMPLETELY understand the 'I love you/not in love with you thing - I love my husband to bits, he is the father of my children and he is a good person, but I am just not 'in love' with him any more, I want him as a friend, not a husband. Same with the 'I dont fancy him any more' - I just dont!

I've been happily married for almost 25 years and I think that a mature relationship should be about loving someone and not being "in love" with them.

Unfortunately, too many people break up perfectly good, loving relationships for the illusory goal of being "in love" and this seems to me to be such a waste.

Stormy_waters

thorsoak wrote: »

Dear Stormy Waters - so you're fed up with your marriage - what is the alternative? Do you want to find a steamy hunk who will take you out for intimate little dinners, gaze into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings in your shell-like? Then take you home for breath-taking rumpy-pumpy? And then get up in the night when the kids cry? Doesn't happen ducky!
That made me laugh! But seriously, gorgeous hunks are the last thing on my mind at the moment

Take it from me - even the best marriages bump along the bottom with boredom from time to time - I would sometimes moan that I didn't have 4 kids, I had 5! And arguments? No - not really - I'd talk/shout/hiss/mutter at him - to no avail whilst he would blithely say - ok - I'm sorry - whatever I've done, I'm sorry - what is it this time? - and then I'd throw something at him - one time it was a saucepan full of brussel sprouts - one at a time - and I didn't hit the b****r once! By that time of course, he was creasing himself with laughter and I had to laugh too.

But seriously, we all fall out of love with the guy that once took our breath away - but what did you promise on your wedding day - did you do the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" bit? It's true - whoever thought those vows out in the first place knew what they were talking about!

But what would I walk out to? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Is the street any sunnier? Would you be any happier?
I don't know. In times of desperation I sometimes think that I would, when things are a bit more stable I don't. But whenever I think we've really hit the wall, I think would I be UNHAPPIER if I was on my own?

Just hunker down there for a few months. Instead of trying to change HIM, try and change YOU - become the person YOU want to be - and see where that takes you.
Could you please expand on this for me. What exactly do I need to do to become the person I want to be???

Lifeisbutadream

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I've been happily married for almost 25 years and I think that a mature relationship should be about loving someone and not being "in love" with them.

Unfortunately, too many people break up perfectly good, loving relationships for the illusory goal of being "in love" and this seems to me to be such a waste.

I agree with you to a point - I actually remember a thread a couple of years ago where we were both saying the same thing about having to work on a marriage and it not all being perfect etc.

However, until you actually get to the point where you have worked so hard that you feel like you have nothing else to give, then you realise that you only live once, are not getting any younger and really dont want to end up on your death bed with regrets, it is all very easy to say and think all these things in theory.

I actually cant imagine not having my husband in my life, but thats OK because we have 2 children, so he will always be in my life, but I cant go on feeling like there is something missing and to be honest I dont see why I should take second best. I would rather be alone that live an unhappy existence alongside someone else.

Stormy_waters

thorsoak wrote: »

Agree. What I'm trying to say is that calling it a day does not always mean happy ever after that. Being a single parent brings just as much frustration worry and "will it ever end" feelings as well.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating sticking together just for the sake of it - if there is violence/infidelity/cruelty - then there is no hope. But non communication on its own can be overcome.

I really really hope so

Lunar_Eclipse

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I've been happily married for almost 25 years and I think that a mature relationship should be about loving someone and not being "in love" with them.

Unfortunately, too many people break up perfectly good, loving relationships for the illusory goal of being "in love" and this seems to me to be such a waste.

I'm not so sure. What if it's not an illusory goal?

I can't decide whether there is no such thing as a "perfectly good, loving relationship" without the people involved being in love with each other as well, or whether it's simply a question of perspective & expectations.

I am (thankfully) in love with my husband and honestly don't think I'd feel like our marriage was perfectly good and loving if I wasn't. Whilst I know that the elated honeymoon feelings don't last forever, I don't think being in love is immature, exclusive to the early years of relationships, or for teenagers (young love.)

I agree that a mature relationship is about loving someone, but I also think it's about being in love with them, because that is the part that is hardest to achieve. You need to work at staying in love, not just loving a person (that's comparatively easy.) I would almost go so far as to say that once you love someone, you always do (but that isn't the case for everyone so I won't) but it takes hard work and real maturity to keep the fire alive and stay in love with them.

Edit: ... not that everyone has to stay in love with their spouses, just that I don't consider it unrealistic or immature.

margaretclare

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I'm not so sure. What if it's not an illusory goal?

I can't decide whether there is no such thing as a "perfectly good, loving relationship" without the people involved being in love with each other as well, or whether it's simply a question of perspective & expectations.

I am (thankfully) in love with my husband and honestly don't think I'd feel like our marriage was perfectly good and loving if I wasn't. Whilst I know that the elated honeymoon feelings don't last forever, I don't think being in love is immature, exclusive to the early years of relationships, or for teenagers (young love.)

I agree that a mature relationship is about loving someone, but I also think it's about being in love with them, because that is the part that is hardest to achieve. You need to work at staying in love, not just loving a person (that's comparatively easy.) I would almost go so far as to say that once you love someone, you always do (but that isn't the case for everyone so I won't) but it takes hard work and real maturity to keep the fire alive and stay in love with them.

Edit: ... not that everyone has to stay in love with their spouses, just that I don't consider it unrealistic or immature.

DH is firmly of the opinion that it all boils down to 'Trust and Respect. Love is a bonus'. In fact, he has said this many times. He said it when making his groom's speech at our wedding reception.

He explains: 'Without Trust and Respect you have no relationship. No marriage, no friendship, no partnership of any kind, not even a business partnership can survive without Trust and Respect.'

There was certainly neither in either of his previous 2 marriages. Whether there had been in the early days I can't say, I wasn't there, and he can't remember because all he remembers is the complete opposite of trust and respect at the end.

'Love is a bonus' he says. But, nevertheless, he is in love with me and I with him. Physical appearance hasn't got much, if anything, to do with it. I have never had much in the looks department, and yet I've had 2 happy marriages. It's important to be able to converse - we spend ages just talking to each other - and to be affectionate to each other. His last ex went frigid on him and refused even to hold his hand. He's an affectionate demonstrative man - not the 'stiff upper lip' type at all - and just something as simple as holding hands is important to him.

jayII

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I've been happily married for almost 25 years and I think that a mature relationship should be about loving someone and not being "in love" with them.

Unfortunately, too many people break up perfectly good, loving relationships for the illusory goal of being "in love" and this seems to me to be such a waste.

I'm still 'in love' with my husband after 21 years together, he makes my heart leap and I feel all the other things I did when we first married, 191/2 years ago. I don't think there is a right or wrong way for a long term relationship to be, as long as it works for the couple themselves.

I can't imagine not being in a passionate relationship, neither can my OH.

Lifeisbutadream

jayII wrote: »

I'm still 'in love' with my husband after 21 years together, he makes my heart leap and I feel all the other things I did when we first married, 191/2 years ago. I don't think there is a right or wrong way for a long term relationship to be, as long as it works for the couple themselves.

I can't imagine not being in a passionate relationship, neither can my OH.

I agree.

Oh and I have tried and tried - we have both kown that it has not been right for a few years really. We have come to the end of the road now, which is of course a real shame because of the children, but you only get one life - I would like to find that passion that you describe at some point in the future..

thorsoak

Stormy_waters wrote: »

thorsoak wrote: »

But seriously, we all fall out of love with the guy that once took our
But what would I walk out to? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Is the street any sunnier? Would you be any happier?
I don't know. In times of desperation I sometimes think that I would, when things are a bit more stable I don't. But whenever I think we've really hit the wall, I think would I be UNHAPPIER if I was on my own?

On your own - with children who would be upset because Daddy isn't there all the time (ok - he might not do more than sit and watch TV/read a book to them - but he is still there). Would you be able to still live in the house you are now living in? What about work - how would you manage child care? And, even when you are on "parallel universe" time, he is still there - to investigate bumps in the night/take out the bins when it is pouring with rain - you aren't on your own. Knowing that you have instigated a break-up, knowing that from now on everything really does depend upon you - no one else to blame - would that really make you any happier?

Just hunker down there for a few months. Instead of trying to change HIM, try and change YOU - become the person YOU want to be - and see where that takes you.

Could you please expand on this for me. What exactly do I need to do to become the person I want to be???

Take some time off from nagging/talking to OH - just TELL him that the weekend after next, you are going out on your own for the day - he has complete responsibility for the kids - from giving them brekkie to putting them to bed. And then - do exactly what YOU would like to do - doesn't have to cost money. Go into town, have a coffee, do some window shopping, go to the library/art gallery - whatever takes your fancy. Let YOUR imagination run riot for you - you organise the children's interests - but what interests do you have - that you've let go because of being married/having children? Do you fancy painting/drawing? Or maybe doing a cookery class/learning a language/learning about garden design? Join a Rock Choir? Just encourage YOURSELF in the same way as you encourage your children - enjoy the day, just for itself. You'll come home a bit refreshed ....okay - you may come home to chaos - but it will be chaos that HE can clear up - with your help maybe.

And then do it again, the next month. See how it goes. Good luck x

I do hope that the above doesn't sound patronising - I don't mean it to. Lots of luck xx

jayII

Lifeisbutadream wrote: »

I agree.

Oh and I have tried and tried - we have both kown that it has not been right for a few years really. We have come to the end of the road now, which is of course a real shame because of the children, but you only get one life - I would like to find that passion that you describe at some point in the future..

I think you're incredibly brave, it can't be easy to imagine being single with children. It must have taken a lot of heart searching to get to this point.

On the other side, relationships involve such a lot of hard work and compromise, even when they feel right, let alone when they don't! As you say, we only have one life. I also think there is a lot to be said for being single and happy. :A