Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

FBaby

jetplane wrote: »

No one has said that people don't change, of course they do? Sorry I disagree very much that anyone should change purely to make someone they love happier, how will that work? Who decides what needs to change? Who decides who needs to change? And what if the change that makes one person you love happier upsets someone else you love? That's not change it's manipulation and modifying behaviour which leads to resentment. The 'feeling in control' is only so that they can be told it's their own choice.

I'll tell you how I've changed purely for the benefit of my partner.... I am a lot more tidier... because untidiness makes him very anxious. I don't like living in mess, but my standards are a lot lower than my partner. I know that it means a lot to him to come home to a house with no dishes left in the sink, even for an hour, the place vaccumed etc... He does a lot, but I have to make extra efforts so he is happy. That's ok, I accept that. I have changed my ways to accommodate him. I am doing it because I love him and respect that it is something that means a lot to him. It is my choice to make those changes, but I do it for him. I don't feel controlled and don't hold resentment.

He also makes efforts, sometimes not as much, he does have a tendency to be a 'that's how I am, tough if you don't like it' but in reality, he is changing some of his way too for me. Both of us comes from previous long term relationships, then time on our own, we have set ways, we accept that we have to make some compromises and I strongly believe that's why we are still together. Saying that, it is because we love and respect each other deeply that we are prepared to do it.

hermoine_2

Very sad op.

My experience, and I have married 3 times, is that this sort of apathy is inevitable. The not fancying thing is usual, it will come back. It is cyclical.

I probably should have stayed with my first hubby and if it had not been for the secret drinking, him not me, I would have.

Second hubby was different but rich. Outcome the same.

Third and current MR H is lovely and kind and opinionated, and selfish, and hard working, and lazy, and takes me for granted, and is taken for granted, is sexy, not sexy, on and on and on.

All marriages go through bad, low points and I would say do not throw the bath water out with the baby, keep trying.

There is no magic wand out there.

Good luck.

H

bill_creative

I've been with my OH for 7 years, married for nearly 5 and we are still very happy, although admittedly do not have the additional strain of children. He does a lot of the things that need doing around the house, mainly because I work longer hours than him.

Something that works well for us is that I make sure that I thank him for what he does and make sure he feels like a valued part of the partnership. He doesn't always automatically do things but when I ask (not tell) him to do something, he'll get it done, no problems.

Do I wish I didn't have to ask? Of course! But I accept that we are different and have to keep the communication up.

I find men tend to be a lot more logical in their approach to life, so when I say something like "Thanks so much for making dinner, I was able to get xyz project finished which will make my day tomorrow so much easier" he reacts very positively and it becomes less like another chore for him. Sometimes it feels that what I say might be a bit patronising - but he never takes it that way, he just take the gratitude at face value.

By expressing my gratitude, it also reminds me how valuable he is to me, which in turn makes me feel closer to him.

It might not work for you - or your husband not respond the same way, but it might be worth a try?

Lunar_Eclipse

Stormy_waters wrote: »

is this kind of marriage a norm, how many of you feel like me and how many feel that I just need to get a grip?

I think many people feel as you do, so sadly this does make that type of marriage a norm. In terms of whether you should get a grip or not, only you can decide what you want out of life. I would however try to determine whether it really is your marriage that you are disinterested in, or your lifestyle. I think life is really hard.

Firstly, I'd try to turn things around. Discuss your lifestyle with your husband. He might be feeling the same and just one or two tweaks could change things enormously. We have Friday nights as date night, so we make a focussed effort to spend time together, having dinner etc. We do what we can.

In case it helps you clarify things one way or the other, I'll tell you how I feel.

I would say I'm very happily married, but find the routine and chores of daily life incredibly dull and depressing. I dream of running away (from the life, not the people) every week, to the life I thought I'd have. I do however appreciate that I am lucky, so am in constant turmoil of feeling physically & mentally exhausted with the trials of daily living and wanting to escape, whilst counting my blessings at the same time. I know the little things in life make me happy and that essentially, it only comes down to my husband and two children: the rest I could happily live without. (Well ok, I'd really miss fresh coffee & chocolate.)

My husband is also phone phobic and doesn't do much around the home, although is very approachable and does engage daily with the children. He's not perfect (no-one is), but he is working hard to support the family (he's the breadwinner) and is a very positive, loving and respectful person that I could not imagine living without. I love him as a person and am definitely attracted to him, although he can also push all my buttons. We've been together 22 years. HTH.

Oldernotwiser

Rather a morbid approach but can you imagine how you would feel if you were to get a phone call to say that your husband had died in a RTA - relieved, distraught?

If that's too much, imagine if, the next time you tried to talk at him, he turned round and told you he'd met someone else and was off to live with them.

I think what I'm trying to say is "You don't know what you've got til it's gone".

jetplane

FBaby wrote: »

I'll tell you how I've changed purely for the benefit of my partner.... I am a lot more tidier... because untidiness makes him very anxious .............. we accept that we have to make some compromises and I strongly believe that's why we are still together.

Good example FBaby, as you point out this is compromise, its not changing the person as long as we only compromise within our own comfort zone.

I am like your partner I'm organised and tidy, my husband is not, and that is just one example of our differences, I will never change and neither will he, but we accept and respect our differences and have been successfully compromising for over 20 years now. :j

VfM4meplse

hermoine wrote: »

Second hubby was different but rich. Outcome the same

I would have stuck with this one .

pelirocco

thorsoak wrote: »

Dear Stormy Waters - so you're fed up with your marriage - what is the alternative? Do you want to find a steamy hunk who will take you out for intimate little dinners, gaze into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings in your shell-like? Then take you home for breath-taking rumpy-pumpy? And then get up in the night when the kids cry? Doesn't happen ducky!

Take it from me - even the best marriages bump along the bottom with boredom from time to time - I would sometimes moan that I didn't have 4 kids, I had 5! And arguments? No - not really - I'd talk/shout/hiss/mutter at him - to no avail whilst he would blithely say - ok - I'm sorry - whatever I've done, I'm sorry - what is it this time? - and then I'd throw something at him - one time it was a saucepan full of brussel sprouts - one at a time - and I didn't hit the b****r once! By that time of course, he was creasing himself with laughter and I had to laugh too.

But seriously, we all fall out of love with the guy that once took our breath away - but what did you promise on your wedding day - did you do the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" bit? It's true - whoever thought those vows out in the first place knew what they were talking about!

And then you get so tired, so fed up, doing the same old, same old, day after day, week after week, month after month - and you wonder is this all there is? Well no, its not. Life changes around, and if you hang in there, and if you basically have got a good bloke - and from what you've said, yours seems to be a decent enough chap, even if he is telephobic - you'll find yourself looking at him and thinking - he's not half bad after all - and life lightens a bit, and gets better again. Okay - you can go through this several times in a long relationship - I know - we were together for almost 50 years, married for 48 - and at times I could have cheerfully walked out.

But what would I walk out to? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Is the street any sunnier? Would you be any happier?

Just hunker down there for a few months. Instead of trying to change HIM, try and change YOU - become the person YOU want to be - and see where that takes you.

Good luck. I'd change places with you in a heartbeat, if I could have my aggravating, lovely OH back again x

Great post

What you need to consider OP , is your husband happy with you ?

Its not fair or right to expect people to be what you want them to be

Big_Alf

Seanymph wrote: »

I find this entire 'I no longer fancy him thing' really sad.

I completely agree. It's nearly as bad as 'I love him, but I'm not IN love with him'.

OP - I think as others have echoed here, it seems like you need to fix yourself before fixing you OH. Hopefully if you do the first the second will occur naturally.

cassan

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? My first reaction to this was no, not all the time. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and that’s how it should be it is no one else’s business. All marriages have ups and down and go through bad patches. You don’t have to be “in love” ( look at how many arranged marriages turn out well). But you do need lust and affection for it to work. Physical attraction invariably fades.

Life and people change over time. There is nothing “romantic”, or commendable about being married for 20 or 30 years or longer, often its just a matter of nothing better coming along. Marriage for created to protect any children born to a couple, at a time when the average span time was probably only 30 or 40 years. If things haven’t started to unravel after 7 years, you’re probably doing well. Men are not naturally monogamous, I’m not sure women are either. So what is the alternative? There have been times when I’ve felt like walking out of my own 30 year marriage.
But who in their right mind is going to swap comfortable lifestyle for life on benefits in a scummy bedsit. I’d say I’ve been happy 75% of the time, if I’d stayed single I ‘m sure I’d have been unhappy 100% of the time.

In the words of the song “you’ve got to live for yourself, for yourself and nobody else”