Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Hanging_by_a_thread

Do you sometimes feel like the only adult? As if you are cojoling and coercing your husband into participating in your life together the whole time?

It must be frustrating to be the one with all the drive and pushing for things to improve. To seem to get his agreement to pursue this and then for nothing to happen. Kind of similar to one step forward and about five steps back.

I am sure you have spoken to him, at him, and even with him till you are blue in the face. To be honest I am not sure I could cope being in such a relationship. Day to day life must feel like bloody hard work. Where there are children involved then ideally, just as you have done, a marriage has to be worked at. There comes a time though when you question, as you are now, if you are flogging a dead horse.

Staying together for the sake of the children rarely works. They will be aware of the tensions and unhappiness between you both and ultimately it will not do them any good.

I think you have some difficult decisions ahead of you if your life is ever going to be as you would really like it. Straight talking and knowing exactly where you both stand will give you real perspective on where your future lies.

Stormy_waters

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Ok, so, what do YOU want now?

You say he won't talk - why? Is he incapable of understanding the way others feel? Does he feel everything is OK between you?

What's changed between how you both are now and how you were in your first years together? Why do you think things are different now?

What do you want from him that he is no longer giving you?

We don't talk much now because I sense every time I approach him he feels confronted and cornered, he's very happy in his little world and really doesn't want change.

Of course I understand that relationships evolve and change with having kids and a lot has changed since we first met. The routine has nailed us, except I feel it's nailed me a lot more. Few times before when we had huge rows about this he told me something interesting "It's you who is unhappy with the way things are, it's your problem, I'm perfectly happy".

I've now got to the stage when I'm seriously confused about "right" and "wrong". Every time we argue he says that that's the way life and marriage is and I need to grow up and get on with it. I get very angry and stressed.

What do I want from him? Well, where do I start? A shoulder to cry on, a partner, a lover, a friend he once was but got lost somewhere along the way:(

Stormy_waters

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

That could be part of the reason why you aren't getting your message across. If he is not part of the conversation then how can you both reach an agreement?

Living in the country is no excuse for not spending quality time together nor is a lack of money.

Get the kids off to bed, prepare a nice meal (together), watch a good movie together on the sofa and just chill out.

Or, play a board game, card game, computer game or whatever together to get the conversation going.

You basically need something to get normal chit chat going again - if your OH always expects a "lecture" when you sit him down for a talk then his ears will switch off and he will only be hearing "blah, blah, blah" roughly translated as "here we go again...".

Thanks, I know I'm definitely guilty of this sin and I know men hate it:rotfl:The problem is that every time we decide to start over, I'm the one making plans for our evenings and as soon as I slow down a bit he's happy to return to the old routine. This is sad but playing a board game sounds like heaven right now :rotfl:

Stormy_waters

broxiebear1 wrote: »

hi sorry to read you post OP
i went through same i was married to my ex wife for 29 years well on paper i was. for at least the last 5 years i just done my own thing worked came home went out every monday night alone friday night and sat afternoon. when i was home at night i just sat and watched tv or went out fishing in the summer the only reason i stayed with her was i didnt want to leave her alone with my 2 sons yes i had affairs sex only (go on call me a pig) but in the end i left when my sons were older and guess what they dont speak to me and thats 7 years ago
i am now married again and love my wife to bits im not a talker and wife cant do enough for me yes we spend nights in dif rooms watching tv but we are happy with that and we spend time going out to
money is tight and cant do what we would like to do so boredome sets in .
i think if you want your marrage to last both of you have to get to rout of problem *is it money , if you had money would both of you be happier .
i hade mistakes with my last marrage i admit that BUT IT TAAKES 2
to make it work
:beer:

I'm so glad things have worked out for you, thanks, it's very reassuring

balletshoes

Stormy_waters wrote: »

What do I want from him? Well, where do I start? A shoulder to cry on, a partner, a lover, a friend he once was but got lost somewhere along the way:(

every marriage is different, for the simple reason that each marriage is between 2 individual unique human beings.

but, theres nothing wrong, and a lot right, with wanting what you want in your marriage.

I don't believe the perfect marriage exists, I believe there can be perfect moments in every marriage, but I also believe it takes hard work to make a lasting marriage a content one for both partners.

I could put up with everything you've talked about OP, the practicalities of the household, the having separate interests etc, as long as I still felt I had a partner, someone to hold me when I need to be held, someone who is my friend and shows me that by his actions.

Let me ask you this - can you imagine being without your spouse? Is that an impossible thought to you, or can you imagine it easily, and even wish that was the situation?

broxiebear1

Stormy_waters wrote: »

We don't talk much now because I sense every time I approach him he feels confronted and cornered, he's very happy in his little world and really doesn't want change.

Of course I understand that relationships evolve and change with having kids and a lot has changed since we first met. The routine has nailed us, except I feel it's nailed me a lot more. Few times before when we had huge rows about this he told me something interesting "It's you who is unhappy with the way things are, it's your problem, I'm perfectly happy".

I've now got to the stage when I'm seriously confused about "right" and "wrong". Every time we argue he says that that's the way life and marriage is and I need to grow up and get on with it. I get very angry and stressed.

What do I want from him? Well, where do I start? A shoulder to cry on, a partner, a lover, a friend he once was but got lost somewhere along the way:(

i know what your man is saying yes you get into a routine same old same old what can you talk about i do think yor man should show more intrest with your kids they are not youlg forever my wife says to me whats wrong when there is nothing wrong with me what can i talk about that takes more than 30 min we dont have kids wish we could.
stop nagging at him try a dif way without knowing your lifestyle i dont know how you live from week to week
do you want out of marrage if so dont hang about bec of kids
youl regret doing so
i wish i left my ex years before i did

Tiddlywinks

Stormy_waters wrote: »

We don't talk much now because I sense every time I approach him he feels confronted and cornered, he's very happy in his little world and really doesn't want change.
So, try to join him on his terms just to get the chit chat going - ask him what he's doing, what game he's playing, what site he's visiting and sound interested.

Of course I understand that relationships evolve and change with having kids and a lot has changed since we first met. The routine has nailed us, except I feel it's nailed me a lot more. Few times before when we had huge rows about this he told me something interesting "It's you who is unhappy with the way things are, it's your problem, I'm perfectly happy". So, he says he is happy? Are you backing him into a corner where he feels he might be "failing" if he admits that he is not entirely happy.

I've now got to the stage when I'm seriously confused about "right" and "wrong". Every time we argue he says that that's the way life and marriage is and I need to grow up and get on with it. I get very angry and stressed. Well, life is not always a bed of roses, that's true.

What do I want from him? Well, where do I start? A shoulder to cry on, a partner, a lover, a friend he once was but got lost somewhere along the way:( Was he a friend all those years ago? HOW is he different now? Be specific. Are you looking back with rose tinted specs?

What interests do you have for you? Do you work, have a hobby, have an outlet outside of the house? Is it just that you are dis-satisfied with what you have achieved and are partly blaming him for where you are now?

Only you can make you happy - no-one else has that power and sometimes it is a matter of how you view things.

I'm not saying that your OH sounds easy to live with but I am saying that you have a choice as to how you react to his ways. You can view changing things as a team effort and get him on-side (with a carrot not a stick) or you can keep trying to push him along whilst he just thinks that you are the problem - your choice in how you do things but you need to see how you look through the eyes of your OH.

I'm not having a go - just trying to show that marriage is a democracy not a dictatorship.

Stormy_waters

Hanging_by_a_thread wrote: »

Do you sometimes feel like the only adult? As if you are cojoling and coercing your husband into participating in your life together the whole time?

It must be frustrating to be the one with all the drive and pushing for things to improve. To seem to get his agreement to pursue this and then for nothing to happen. Kind of similar to one step forward and about five steps back.

I am sure you have spoken to him, at him, and even with him till you are blue in the face. To be honest I am not sure I could cope being in such a relationship. Day to day life must feel like bloody hard work. Where there are children involved then ideally, just as you have done, a marriage has to be worked at. There comes a time though when you question, as you are now, if you are flogging a dead horse.

Staying together for the sake of the children rarely works. They will be aware of the tensions and unhappiness between you both and ultimately it will not do them any good.

I think you have some difficult decisions ahead of you if your life is ever going to be as you would really like it. Straight talking and knowing exactly where you both stand will give you real perspective on where your future lies.

This is spooky, it feels like you've read my mind and put it on a paper. Spot on, that's exactly how I feel, one step forward, five steps back! With regards to children, this is the hardest thing. At the moment I can't even bring myself to the thought of them living away from their dad.

Annisele

I may be completely on the wrong track here. I apologise if I offend - not my intention - but I'll share my theory on the off chance it might help.

I think it sounds as though you want your OH to change. If that's the case - you're never going to get anywhere. People change because they want to, not because somebody else is trying to guilt them into it.

Also - is it possible that you care more about "getting onto the property ladder" than he does? He might not be interested in ebaying etc because he's actually perfectly happy renting, and not looking forward to the stressful process of buying a home. If he thinks (even subconsciously) that you're nagging him into doing something that he doesn't want to do, I can see that causing conflict.

And as a final thought - have you considered going to your GP and getting screened for depression? If your OH thinks that everything's perfectly fine except for the fact that you're unhappy, is it possible that he's (in a manner of speaking) right?

meritaten

I will PM you hun