Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Oldernotwiser

cassan wrote: »

Is there such a thing as a happy marriage? My first reaction to this was no, not all the time. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and that’s how it should be it is no one else’s business. All marriages have ups and down and go through bad patches. You don’t have to be “in love” ( look at how many arranged marriages turn out well). But you do need lust and affection for it to work. Physical attraction invariably fades.

Life and people change over time. There is nothing “romantic”, or commendable about being married for 20 or 30 years or longer, often its just a matter of nothing better coming along. Marriage for created to protect any children born to a couple, at a time when the average span time was probably only 30 or 40 years. If things haven’t started to unravel after 7 years, you’re probably doing well. Men are not naturally monogamous, I’m not sure women are either. So what is the alternative? There have been times when I’ve felt like walking out of my own 30 year marriage.
But who in their right mind is going to swap comfortable lifestyle for life on benefits in a scummy bedsit. I’d say I’ve been happy 75% of the time, if I’d stayed single I ‘m sure I’d have been unhappy 100% of the time.

In the words of the song “you’ve got to live for yourself, for yourself and nobody else”

Wow, this is the most depressing post I've read for a long time!

catkins

Yes there is such a thing as a happy marriage - I have one and have been married for 32 years. Has it always been happy? No!

We have had ups and downs, money problems, health problems, disagreements over lots of things. There have been times when I definitely did not love him and thought about leaving and I know the same is true of him. In those times I definitely did not fancy him and our sex life was pretty bad but in the good times I have always fancied him. He is no Johnny Depp but I find him attractive and he never fails to make me laugh which, to me, is very attractive. We never stay angry with each other very long because we always end up laughing. We can be arguing and I will scream and shout and then I look at him and just start laughing and all my anger has gone. If I want to stay angry I have to make sure I do not look at him!

Why did we not split up? I guess because we both knew that deep down we still loved each other and how good things had been. Also we both take our marriage vows very seriously and do believe "till death do us part". Neither of us believe in divorce although, having said that, if things had got so bad we decided we could not stay together we would have split but not got divorced. We do not have children so we could have just walked away but on the otherhand we never had any of the problems or strains that they can put on a marriage and have always been able to do things more easily without worrying about babysitters etc.

There have also been lots of boring times. Everyday life is, unfortunately, about working, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, putting the rubbish out, walking the dog etc etc (you get the idea!) which is all pretty boring (I don't believe anyone who says it's not). You get tired because your working hard and argue about who's turn it is to put the rubbish out or why your partner left his/her socks/pants/whatever on the floor or the wet towel over the bath.

The initial high when you start living together and are (hopefully) madly in love and even everyday things like cleaning can seem almost exciting don't last very long. I think what is important then is that you are good friends as well as lovers. My husband is my best friend and I am his. We can talk about anything and I would always go to him first with any problem.

We do have quite a lot of common interests - cinema, theatre, eating out, walking, going to motor racing events but we also compromise. I like going to concerts and most of the groups or singers I like he doesn't but if I don't have anyone else to go with he will come with me and likewise I will go to things I am not interested in because he wants to. We take it in turns to choose a film to see and often a film he chooses which I think I will hate I actually enjoy.

We have also learnt to compromise in other ways such as he is really untidy and messy and I am a very neat and tidy person.

I would probably say that about 70% of our married life I have been happy and 30% not but the unhappy times never lasted that long and we worked through them. For about the last 10 years things have been pretty good and we have got on really well. We are always holding hands and cuddling and just enjoy being with each other.

You could just be in a rut but I do think you need to think about why you don't fancy your husband sexually any more. Is it because you are angry with him? Are you good friends? I do agree with other posters that marriage has to be worked at although I do not really agree that it is very hard work if there is love and friendship there.

margaretclare

I agree with catkins above.

As I wrote yesterday, yes there is such a thing as happy marriage, because I'm in one.

FWIW, he's now 77, I'm 76, we were both 62 when we discovered each other's existence. I fell in love with him - he took a little longer, because that's the kind of cautious thoughtful person he is, and he'd been badly hurt before, twice. I'm much more impulsive. Be that as it may, we were on the same wavelength from the word go, and that's the way it has stayed. Even to yesterday - we were at a function and half-way through we left. He said afterwards 'If you'd wanted to stay I'd have waited for you downstairs' and I said 'no, I agreed with you, we were of one mind'.

We've just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We tend to celebrate each one because we just don't know how many we may have. Life is unpredictable and things that have happened in just the last few years have shown us that you just do not know what's round the corner and it is better to live life to the full rather than end up with a load of 'if only' or 'I wish'.

One thing that amuses us is if we go away anywhere and tell people we're celebrating our wedding anniversary. The 5th was the funniest. We were away, we went to the local church for morning service, as we always do, and afterwards the vicar spoke to us in a friendly way. We told him it was our anniversary, and when we said 5th, you could tell, his face was a picture and he wanted to add a zero to the 5!! It really was funny.

OTOH, people said to us 'it won't last, you come from such different backgrounds, different life experiences, what have you got in common' and worse 'he's left 2 other women, he'll leave you'. Someone said they wouldn't walk out on a long marriage to go and live in a bedsit. He would have done. It was a matter of survival for him. She was violent and a whole lot of other things. He firmly believes he'd have been dead by now, and packing up as much of his worldly goods into his rusty old car and driving away, that was the end for him, no matter what was to come. At age 62, with various health problems, he was unlikely to get another job, but he did get one and we both worked until we were 67. He lost a lot from 2 expensive divorces, but nevertheless, because we each have an income in our own right - SRP, SERPS and annuities - we're 'comfortable' now.

I don't understand 'I love him but I'm not in love with him' or 'I love him but I don't fancy him'. I'm in love with him and I fancy the pants off him even though there is none of that - ahem - side of marriage, due to the long-term effects of his Type 2 diabetes. Doesn't matter. There's still the physical closeness, the warmth, the contact, and please God there always will be.

It's always a treat for me to see him, when I come out of aqua-fit and he's there, giving me a smile and a wave. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

What made me fall in love all over again so late in the day (and it was exactly like being a daft teenager all over again)? The first time he phoned me, I've always been a sucker for a nice male voice. At that time I was lonely, poor, struggling, trying to earn enough to keep a roof over my head. No one - apart from one honourable exception - ever phoned me unless they wanted something of me, either change a shift, do an extra shift, do something or other. He didn't want anything of me, and his first words were 'how was your day?' It was the first time anyone in ages had been concerned about whether my day had been good, bad, indifferent or plain damn awful. My heart seemed to turn over in my chest, the world changed from dark to light, it was as simple as that, and that is how it has stayed. Even when he stood on my doorstep that wet November night in 1997 he expected me to have changed my mind and to say he couldn't come in. He told me he had no money, no prospects, health problems and nothing to bring me. He'd have gone off somewhere on his own, no question. Once he makes a decision that's it, no change. I said something like 'Oh come in you silly devil, stop standing there letting the warmth out and dripping all over the doorstep'.

I wanted to renew and rededicate our vows on our 10th anniversary. He didn't want to. The vows he made are still valid, he hasn't changed his mind and it really is 'till death us do part'. Mind you, we have also had the 'in sickness and in health' bit because every year there has been some darned thing or other. To write all that down would take another A4 side, or two!!

Lunar_Eclipse

margaretclare wrote: »

My heart seemed to turn over in my chest, the world changed from dark to light, it was as simple as that, and that is how it has stayed.

That was such a lovely read.

And sentiments like those above should sum up whether the OP is really frustrated with her marriage, because sometimes I think spouses become the target when it's really something else that's the problem in their life.

I would hate to have to confront life without my husband ... so happily put up with all the annoying bits (most of the time.)

Sometimes it is about perspective. And sometimes it isn't.

Stormy_waters

Thank you very much to all of you for your thoughts and ideas, it's been a very interesting and thought provoking read.

I'm going to reply to all individually in a while.

poet123

"I wanted to renew and rededicate our vows on our 10th anniversary. He didn't want to. The vows he made are still valid, he hasn't changed his mind and it really is 'till death us do part'.


I suggested that to my husband for our 30th anniversary and he said the same thing, why would I want to renew something that has not been broken, I made the vows for life and meant life so I don't want to make them again. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but I am so thankful for mine, it, and he, enhances my life, and I hope I do the same for his.

Lifeisbutadream

Whilst it is lovely to hear about the happy marriages (and it really is lovely to hear about them), lots of marriages DO break down for what appear to the outside things that can easily be repaired, but when you are on the inside, you know that you have tried everything possible and it just doesnt work any more.

And I COMPLETELY understand the 'I love you/not in love with you thing - I love my husband to bits, he is the father of my children and he is a good person, but I am just not 'in love' with him any more, I want him as a friend, not a husband. Same with the 'I dont fancy him any more' - I just dont!

Stormy_waters

balletshoes wrote: »

Let me ask you this - can you imagine being without your spouse? Is that an impossible thought to you, or can you imagine it easily, and even wish that was the situation?

No, I can't and I guess that a good thing, right? At least that's a start.

Stormy_waters

Annisele wrote: »

I may be completely on the wrong track here. I apologise if I offend - not my intention - but I'll share my theory on the off chance it might help.

I think it sounds as though you want your OH to change. If that's the case - you're never going to get anywhere. People change because they want to, not because somebody else is trying to guilt them into it. Yes, I do want change simply because we can't carry on the way we are right now. I equeally realise that it's a two way street and that we both have to work on our marriage to try and improve it.

Also - is it possible that you care more about "getting onto the property ladder" than he does? He might not be interested in ebaying etc because he's actually perfectly happy renting, and not looking forward to the stressful process of buying a home. If he thinks (even subconsciously) that you're nagging him into doing something that he doesn't want to do, I can see that causing conflict. Well, yes I agree with you here. we are completely different, I am a lot more impulsive and he's very chilled out with a "do it tomorrow" outlook on life ("do it never" more realistic). and of course that causes a lot of friction and conflict. the question here is how do I get him on board, how do I interest him in ebaying for instance? the massive difference between us is that I'll do it if it has to be done and he will never (because he knows I will)

Stormy_waters

conradmum wrote: »

Does your husband have any friends? I read somewhere once that you should never marry a man without friends because they're incapable of the intimacy that successful marriages require.

Interesting thought. He used to have a few but since we moved several years ago he's not been in touch with them and I don't think he finds it easy to make new friends