Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Oldernotwiser

Stormy_waters wrote: »

I'm pretty much done talking, it seems that's all I've been doing for the last 5-7 years. We talk (sorry, I talk) about doing stuff together to revive our relationship, talk about compromises, talk about supporting each other through difficult times and then things just get back to the way they always are...
.

Perhaps that's the problem?

conradmum

Stormy_waters wrote: »

Thanks, I know I'm definitely guilty of this sin and I know men hate it:rotfl:The problem is that every time we decide to start over, I'm the one making plans for our evenings and as soon as I slow down a bit he's happy to return to the old routine. This is sad but playing a board game sounds like heaven right now :rotfl:

Does your husband have any friends? I read somewhere once that you should never marry a man without friends because they're incapable of the intimacy that successful marriages require.

thorsoak

Dear Stormy Waters - so you're fed up with your marriage - what is the alternative? Do you want to find a steamy hunk who will take you out for intimate little dinners, gaze into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings in your shell-like? Then take you home for breath-taking rumpy-pumpy? And then get up in the night when the kids cry? Doesn't happen ducky!

Take it from me - even the best marriages bump along the bottom with boredom from time to time - I would sometimes moan that I didn't have 4 kids, I had 5! And arguments? No - not really - I'd talk/shout/hiss/mutter at him - to no avail whilst he would blithely say - ok - I'm sorry - whatever I've done, I'm sorry - what is it this time? - and then I'd throw something at him - one time it was a saucepan full of brussel sprouts - one at a time - and I didn't hit the b****r once! By that time of course, he was creasing himself with laughter and I had to laugh too.

But seriously, we all fall out of love with the guy that once took our breath away - but what did you promise on your wedding day - did you do the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" bit? It's true - whoever thought those vows out in the first place knew what they were talking about!

And then you get so tired, so fed up, doing the same old, same old, day after day, week after week, month after month - and you wonder is this all there is? Well no, its not. Life changes around, and if you hang in there, and if you basically have got a good bloke - and from what you've said, yours seems to be a decent enough chap, even if he is telephobic - you'll find yourself looking at him and thinking - he's not half bad after all - and life lightens a bit, and gets better again. Okay - you can go through this several times in a long relationship - I know - we were together for almost 50 years, married for 48 - and at times I could have cheerfully walked out.

But what would I walk out to? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Is the street any sunnier? Would you be any happier?

Just hunker down there for a few months. Instead of trying to change HIM, try and change YOU - become the person YOU want to be - and see where that takes you.

Good luck. I'd change places with you in a heartbeat, if I could have my aggravating, lovely OH back again x

meritaten

thorsoak wrote: »

Dear Stormy Waters - so you're fed up with your marriage - what is the alternative? Do you want to find a steamy hunk who will take you out for intimate little dinners, gaze into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings in your shell-like? Then take you home for breath-taking rumpy-pumpy? And then get up in the night when the kids cry? Doesn't happen ducky!

Take it from me - even the best marriages bump along the bottom with boredom from time to time - I would sometimes moan that I didn't have 4 kids, I had 5! And arguments? No - not really - I'd talk/shout/hiss/mutter at him - to no avail whilst he would blithely say - ok - I'm sorry - whatever I've done, I'm sorry - what is it this time? - and then I'd throw something at him - one time it was a saucepan full of brussel sprouts - one at a time - and I didn't hit the b****r once! By that time of course, he was creasing himself with laughter and I had to laugh too.

But seriously, we all fall out of love with the guy that once took our breath away - but what did you promise on your wedding day - did you do the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer" bit? It's true - whoever thought those vows out in the first place knew what they were talking about!

And then you get so tired, so fed up, doing the same old, same old, day after day, week after week, month after month - and you wonder is this all there is? Well no, its not. Life changes around, and if you hang in there, and if you basically have got a good bloke - and from what you've said, yours seems to be a decent enough chap, even if he is telephobic - you'll find yourself looking at him and thinking - he's not half bad after all - and life lightens a bit, and gets better again. Okay - you can go through this several times in a long relationship - I know - we were together for almost 50 years, married for 48 - and at times I could have cheerfully walked out.

But what would I walk out to? Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Is the street any sunnier? Would you be any happier?

Just hunker down there for a few months. Instead of trying to change HIM, try and change YOU - become the person YOU want to be - and see where that takes you.

Good luck. I'd change places with you in a heartbeat, if I could have my aggravating, lovely OH back again x

Your OH laughed - as did you. You obviously had a special OH, I envy you. what would you have done if your OH hadnt laughed?

thorsoak

meritaten wrote: »

Your OH laughed - as did you. You obviously had a special OH, I envy you. what would you have done if your OH hadnt laughed?

Probably have thrown the water from the pot (it was cold!) at him - and then stormed out - telling him to clear up the mess!!!

(well - he'd obviously provoked me into making the mess, hadn't he?)

Gigervamp

I don't think you have a bad marriage. You both just need to find a way to communicate.

I've had a bad marriage and a bad long term relationship (which lasted longer than the marriage) and I'm now 13 years into another relationship (8 years married) and your relationship sounds like my marriage.

I think you just need to have a talk. Have a couple of drinks together if it helps. But it does sound like you have a decent guy.

Good luck.

meritaten

Gigervamp wrote: »

I don't think you have a bad marriage. You both just need to find a way to communicate.

I've had a bad marriage and a bad long term relationship (which lasted longer than the marriage) and I'm now 13 years into another relationship (8 years married) and your relationship sounds like my marriage.

I think you just need to have a talk. Have a couple of drinks together if it helps. But it does sound like you have a decent guy.

Good luck.

others' perceptions of a ''decent guy' or a 'good husband' are not always correct. sometimes its the feelings of disconnection and 'he wont communicate' - with the emphasis on the 'wont' which turns the relationship sour. years of banging your head against a brick wall - that can make you want to call it a day too!

thorsoak

meritaten wrote: »

others' perceptions of a ''decent guy' or a 'good husband' are not always correct. sometimes its the feelings of disconnection and 'he wont communicate' - with the emphasis on the 'wont' which turns the relationship sour. years of banging your head against a brick wall - that can make you want to call it a day too!

Agree. What I'm trying to say is that calling it a day does not always mean happy ever after that. Being a single parent brings just as much frustration worry and "will it ever end" feelings as well.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating sticking together just for the sake of it - if there is violence/infidelity/cruelty - then there is no hope. But non communication on its own can be overcome.

Ich_2

In answer to the original question ..... yes

But it needs both sides to work at it, accept each other as they are and not expect the other partner to change just because the other person wants it.
We've been married 27 years this year and have survived a huge amounts of ups & downs, mental illness, physical illness & inability to have children (we adopted which I recommend to anyone in our position).

But through all of that we have stuck together, in fact apart from work etc. it hurts when we are apart. In fact we have spent the week decorating and thoroughly enjoyed just doing it together.

So yes there may be issues but doesn't the grass always look greener? As has been said look to yourself, are you asking for the unattainable expecting him to change?

Seanymph

Perhaps you could do less talking and 'telling' him how he should be and a bit more doing.

If you do, then generally people around you get towed along with you - or have to absolutely come out in opposition, what they can't do is drift.

So, get a babysitter and cook him and you dinner in with candles. Or go buy something you wear to bed he won't expect. Or ASK him to look out for a tent on ebay and all the kit so you guys can go weekend camping once the weather gets better (they are cheaper this time of year).... or arrange to meet another couple at swimming and take him with you. Or enrol in an Open University course (they do free ones or will offer funding) and have something else to talk to him about.

Give yourself three months. Do not tell him what to do at any point. Thank him for what he does. Ask him to do things you want him to do. But above all act as if you anticipate him being loving, supportive and fun at all times.

It's amazing how often people live up to our expectations of them - you expect him to be dismissive and insular and it's no surprise that's what you are seeing when you look at him.

Smile at him, have fun yourself within the relationship and you'll be someone to have fun with.

Act it out - fake it, keep faking it and he will almost certainly fall into step.