Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

Stormy_waters

I’ve created the new id as I don’t want to be recognised
So, I wonder how many of you out there just like me feel unhappy in your relationships? And what do you consider a happy relationship?
My story in short:
I’ve been married for over 10 years, two young children.
Ok, my OH is a good dad to our kids and if I ask him to do something to help me with little ones he usually does. However, he would never volunteer to take them swimming or to the softplay or anything like that. In fact watching kids generally means watching TV or using the PC while kids are in the same room with him, it doesn’t involve any activities with them. Still, I’m sure there are worse dads out there. :rotfl:
The problem I have is our personal life/relationship or the lack of it! Things have never been straightforward but progressively got only worse. We don’t seem to have any common interests and tend to spend evenings in different rooms doing our own things. We make love once a month, sometimes even less often. I can’t remember the last time we went to bed together to have a cuddle and talk about life or sat down to watch a film together. To be honest, I’m no longer physically attracted to him.
Finances have put extra pressure on our relationship in the last few years and due to the fall of the property market we’ve lost a lot of money (won’t go into too much detail). We now have to start from square one to try and get onto the property ladder. I’ve made a conscious decision to cut back on spending and try and save as much as possible. I’ve been busy ebaying and doing a full check of our current finances. I’ve tried to encourage him to take part as well but he’s just not interested, he’d rather spend time browsing the net or watching tv. He’s also got a huge phobia of the telephone (no seriously, don’t laugh) and gets very nervous if he ever has to make a phone call to resolve any admin related issues so more often than not I end up doing it for him!!!
I live my life taking one day at a time but really don’t see a future for us now. I know this will sound like a clich! but the only thing stopping me from divorce is kids. I know for a fact that we wouldn’t be together by now if it wasn’t for them.
So, is this kind of marriage a norm, how many of you feel like me and how many feel that I just need to get a grip?

Tigsteroonie

Stormy_waters wrote: »

He’s also got a huge phobia of the telephone (no seriously, don’t laugh) and gets very nervous if he ever has to make a phone call to resolve any admin related issues so more often than not I end up doing it for him!!!

Gender-specific phone phobia? I think it's quite common :rotfl:

Stormy_waters

Oh, that almost made me feel better that he's not the only one then :rotfl:

Tish_P

Talk to him, try counselling, suggest a new hobby, whatever - but do something. Life is short so see if you can regain some happiness with him and if that doesn't work out, regain some happiness without him.
Kids can tell if you're staying together for their sakes, it makes them feel guilty and it teaches them a model of family life that is loveless and joyless. They deserve better. And so do you - and your husband, who sounds really bored and isolated. I hope that between you, you find a way to turn things around. Best of luck.

Tiddlywinks

Every relationship has its ups and downs - it depends on your definition of "happiness" as well.

Real life isn't like a romance novel - ugly bits like money, kids, jobs, family members etc get in the way.

Sometimes things that are worth having are worth working at - I know that sounds a bit twee but it's true. If we didn't have the bad times then we wouldn't appreciate the good.

You need to talk to your OH and tell him how you feel - he might not be so happy either and maybe you could decide to work things out together.

You loved each other enough to have children; do you think you could work together to get those feelings back?

Stormy_waters

I'll reply to both precious posters.

I'm pretty much done talking, it seems that's all I've been doing for the last 5-7 years. We talk (sorry, I talk) about doing stuff together to revive our relationship, talk about compromises, talk about supporting each other through difficult times and then things just get back to the way they always are...

I suggested couselling before but he refuses point blank, he strongly believes that if we can't help ourselves then no one will. I also found the book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" particularly helpful andd suggested he read it but he's not interested.

Hanging_by_a_thread

From what you wrote in your post OP I think you sound more like flatmates than husband and wife. No offense meant, just an observation. You are in the same house, but seem to revolve around each other rather than live with each other.

When you have been together a while the initial passion, cant keep your hands off each other stage, settles down and in healthy relationships you find a balance that you are both happy with. Maybe not immediately but with any relationship problems and issues it takes communication, compromise and give and take to resolve. Do you know why you are not attracted to your husband any more? Is it simply down to his appearance or just that he is a man you feel you barely know any more and have little in common with.

I am not married yet. Nor do I have children, which from what I have seen with friends and family members marriages, bring their own unique brand of stress and strain as well as all the joy. These couples seem to have to work hard at maintaining their relationship and quality time for each other. They go on date nights once or twice a month, out for a meal or to the theatre. Where money is tight, just staying in and chatting together. Taking an interest in each others lives and hopes etc.

I think this thread will be really interesting and hope that there are a good few out there who can give their experiences. My uncle once spoke of marriage like this, after divorcing my aunt years ago; Marriage is an institution, who in their right mind wants to spend the rest of their life in an institution? Even he went on to remarry, succesfully and happy much to our amazement

Tiddlywinks

Ok, so, what do YOU want now?

You say he won't talk - why? Is he incapable of understanding the way others feel? Does he feel everything is OK between you?

What's changed between how you both are now and how you were in your first years together? Why do you think things are different now?

What do you want from him that he is no longer giving you?

Stormy_waters

Do you know why you are not attracted to your husband any more? Is it simply down to his appearance or just that he is a man you feel you barely know any more and have little in common with.

A bit of both really.

These couples seem to have to work hard at maintaining their relationship and quality time for each other. They go on date nights once or twice a month, out for a meal or to the theatre. Where money is tight, just staying in and chatting together. Taking an interest in each others lives and hopes etc.

And that's where our problem is. We live in the country so going out escpecially with money being very tight is not an option. I feel that I almost lecture him when I want things to change, he takes it in, agrees and a couple of weeks later we're back to square one (separate rooms doing our own things)

broxiebear1

hi sorry to read you post OP
i went through same i was married to my ex wife for 29 years well on paper i was. for at least the last 5 years i just done my own thing worked came home went out every monday night alone friday night and sat afternoon. when i was home at night i just sat and watched tv or went out fishing in the summer the only reason i stayed with her was i didnt want to leave her alone with my 2 sons yes i had affairs sex only (go on call me a pig) but in the end i left when my sons were older and guess what they dont speak to me and thats 7 years ago
i am now married again and love my wife to bits im not a talker and wife cant do enough for me yes we spend nights in dif rooms watching tv but we are happy with that and we spend time going out to
money is tight and cant do what we would like to do so boredome sets in .
i think if you want your marrage to last both of you have to get to rout of problem *is it money , if you had money would both of you be happier .
i hade mistakes with my last marrage i admit that BUT IT TAAKES 2
to make it work
:beer:

Tiddlywinks

Stormy_waters wrote: »

We live in the country so going out escpecially with money being very tight is not an option. I feel that I almost lecture him when I want things to change, he takes it in, agrees and a couple of weeks later we're back to square one (separate rooms doing our own things)

That could be part of the reason why you aren't getting your message across. If he is not part of the conversation then how can you both reach an agreement?

Living in the country is no excuse for not spending quality time together nor is a lack of money.

Get the kids off to bed, prepare a nice meal (together), watch a good movie together on the sofa and just chill out.

Or, play a board game, card game, computer game or whatever together to get the conversation going.

You basically need something to get normal chit chat going again - if your OH always expects a "lecture" when you sit him down for a talk then his ears will switch off and he will only be hearing "blah, blah, blah" roughly translated as "here we go again...".