Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

jayII

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think it depends what you mean by "passion".

I certainly believe that love grows stronger in a longer relationship but I don't think that most people can (or want to) carry on a relationship at the same intensity as in the first few weeks/months, which is what most people would describe as passion.

What do you base that statement on? Because you wouldn't like it?

I feel incredibly passionate about my husband and I take great pleasure in feeling like that. But I don't presume to judge the rights or wrongs of anyone else feeling like that (or not) about their partner.

I don't understand why you're being so defensive. Are you doubting how I feel about my husband or do you feel that I'm (negatively?) judging your description of your marriage?

I also love my friends, my parents, my aunts, grandparents, my children and various people in my life. At times I'd even say I love my job.

Anyway, this thread is about the OP's marriage and I initially posted on here to say that long term marriages/relationships come in many different forms and that the OP should decide what is right or wrong for her and her marriage. I wish her luck in whatever she decides.

Oldernotwiser

jayII wrote: »

What do you base that statement on? Because you wouldn't like it?

I feel incredibly passionate about my husband and I take great pleasure in feeling like that. But I don't presume to judge the rights or wrongs of anyone else feeling like that (or not) about their partner.

I don't understand why you're being so defensive. Are you doubting how I feel about my husband or do you feel that I'm (negatively?) judging your description of your marriage?

I also love my friends, my parents, my aunts, grandparents, my children and various people in my life. At times I'd even say I love my job.

Anyway, this thread is about the OP's marriage and I initially posted on here to say that long term marriages/relationships come in many different forms and that the OP should decide what is right or wrong for her and her marriage. I wish her luck in whatever she decides.

Sorry, I don't know what you're getting riled up about; we seem to all be having an interesting discussion here!

jayII

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry, I don't know what you're getting riled up about; we seem to all be having an interesting discussion here!

Of course, my blood pressure is through the roof.

poet123

There are different forms of "love" though, love for parents/siblings, the love you feel for your husband/wife/children, friends, we don't love all those people in the exact same way. If we think we do maybe we should think about the equivalent of the "cricket test"- in an emergency, when death was a certainty for those you left behind, who would they be? What would the pecking order be?

We still have passion in our marriage, but it has calmed down from the first heady days of honeymoon, inevitably, life gets in the way of passion and humdrum chores often take precedence, generally life settles into a comfortable pattern, rather than an endless round of ripping each others clothes off.....I took that to be what ONW meant when she referred to passion waning, not that you love or fancy your partner less, just that life intervenes.

jayII

poet123 wrote: »

There are different forms of "love" though, love for parents/siblings, the love you feel for your husband/wife/children, friends, we don't love all those people in the exact same way. If we think we do maybe we should think about the equivalent of the "cricket test"- in an emergency, when death was a certainty for those you left behind, who would they be? What would the pecking order be?

We still have passion in our marriage, but it has calmed down from the first heady days of honeymoon, inevitably, life gets in the way of passion and humdrum chores often take precedence, generally life settles into a comfortable pattern, rather than an endless round of ripping each others clothes off.....I took that to be what ONW meant when she referred to passion waning, not that you love or fancy your partner less, just that life intervenes.

Absolutely, there's no question that there are different forms of love, but to me it's still love, just different types and intensities.

Maybe my perspective is what it is because we have always had responsibilities of one sort or another, so 'ripping clothes off' has almost always been restricted to bedtime for us as a couple.

In fact, since we're no longer in the same situation as we were when we first married, and our children are adults and rarely at home, we now have more 'together' time than we have ever had. Physically, things are as intense as ever. :cool:

Tiddlywinks

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

The only thing/person I would say I love is my husband and my parents when they were alive. That doesn't mean that my feelings for my friends is less than your feelings for yours, just that we use the word differently.

If people say that they love friends/pets/Corrie/chicken curry then they need to find another word to describe their feelings for their husband or partner, which seems to me to be why there may be a need to say they're "in love" to differentiate their feelings.

Usually I agree with your views mroe often than not but I have to say I don't agree with this.

Going slightly off topic - and I apologise to the OP for this but I just felt I had to respond.

I do absolutely love my pets - they are like my family.

I do absolutely love my closest friends - they are also like my family.

The love of my family, close friends and pets is with a big "L" whereas my love of chocolate cake is with a little "l".

Lunar_Eclipse

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I don't think that most people can (or want to) carry on a relationship at the same intensity as in the first few weeks/months, which is what most people would describe as passion.

Really, what makes you think that? I think most people would love to.

I could live on that high every day for the rest of my life.:)

jayII

Stormy_waters wrote: »

what do you consider a happy relationship?
A relationship in which both partners are happy most of the time.
Ok, my OH is a good dad to our kids and if I ask him to do something to help me with little ones he usually does. However, he would never volunteer to take them swimming or to the softplay or anything like that. In fact watching kids generally means watching TV or using the PC while kids are in the same room with him, it doesn’t involve any activities with them. Still, I’m sure there are worse dads out there. :rotfl:
I think it's a male confidence-with-young-children thing. Have you tried asking/telling him to take them to the park/softplay for a couple of hours or whatever? You telling him may make him feel that you trust him, if that makes sense.
The problem I have is our personal life/relationship or the lack of it! Things have never been straightforward but progressively got only worse. We don’t seem to have any common interests and tend to spend evenings in different rooms doing our own things. We make love once a month, sometimes even less often. I can’t remember the last time we went to bed together to have a cuddle and talk about life or sat down to watch a film together. To be honest, I’m no longer physically attracted to him.
Agree on a specific 'couples' evening once a week or fortnight, say every Friday. Spending time together has to be worth a try.
Finances have put extra pressure on our relationship in the last few years and due to the fall of the property market we’ve lost a lot of money (won’t go into too much detail). We now have to start from square one to try and get onto the property ladder. I’ve made a conscious decision to cut back on spending and try and save as much as possible. I’ve been busy ebaying and doing a full check of our current finances. I’ve tried to encourage him to take part as well but he’s just not interested, he’d rather spend time browsing the net or watching tv.
Probably just best to accept that he is not interested, unless he would agree to do specific tasks. Could/would he write out the descriptions or take photos, for example?
He’s also got a huge phobia of the telephone (no seriously, don’t laugh) and gets very nervous if he ever has to make a phone call to resolve any admin related issues so more often than not I end up doing it for him!!!
Don't!! You're not doing either of you any favours. Tell him it will get easier then walk away, listen to music or whatever, but find a way to let him get on with. Honestly, he is an adult, so unless he is really really unable to use a phone then don't pander to his fussiness!
I live my life taking one day at a time but really don’t see a future for us now. I know this will sound like a clich! but the only thing stopping me from divorce is kids. I know for a fact that we wouldn’t be together by now if it wasn’t for them.
Try to ride it out for a while, January is a notorious time for marriage breakdowns, partly due to all the emotional and financial pressures of Christmas (especially if finances are tight) and the long dark days. It might be worth waiting to see how you feel in a month or three.
So, is this kind of marriage a norm, how many of you feel like me and how many feel that I just need to get a grip?
I really don't like the phrase 'get a grip', it somehow implies that feelings are important and can be brushed away. They can't, but sometimes relaxing helps us to let go and see what is in our heart.
I'd say be kind to yourself, as you would to a close friend...hot bubble baths, ask hubby to take the kids out and take the time to read a good book, or whatever your personal passion is. Right now you're hurting and confused and bit of pampering wouldn't go amiss. It might also help you to see your way forward.

Sorry for sidetracking the thread earlier.

Good luck honey, my heart goes out to you, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Lunar_Eclipse

poet123 wrote: »

We still have passion in our marriage, but it has calmed down from the first heady days of honeymoon, inevitably, life gets in the way of passion and humdrum chores often take precedence, generally life settles into a comfortable pattern, rather than an endless round of ripping each others clothes off.....I took that to be what ONW meant when she referred to passion waning, not that you love or fancy your partner less, just that life intervenes.

Yes, I agree with you.

Stormy_waters

jayII wrote: »

Sorry for sidetracking the thread earlier.

Good luck honey, my heart goes out to you, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Don't worry about it. Every post in this thread has been invaluable and has helped me a lot. I've now lost track of my replies but wanted to say big thank you to all of you who have taken interest.

After some serious thinking over the last couple of days I've come to the conclusion that things aren't half as bad as I was picturing them.

I have to agree with those who believe that you can love but not necessarily be in love with someone. I think that's where I am now with my OH. I still love him and still want to fight for us, that's why I'm here discussing this afterall. I've also reread a few chapters of John Grays "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". This book is a bible for anybody struggling in their relationship and I would recommend it to anyone. The difficult part is sticking to the new wisdom, that's where I've always failed in the past. I'm going to try my best to persuade my OH to read it with me so he learns more about female psycology and the art of communication. He's never been interested in reading it even though I suggested it several times but hopefully this time it'll be different.

On somebodys advice I'm going to try and make small personal changes to both my own and our lives by trying to be a bit more romantic, etc. Let's give it three months and see what happens. Fingers crossed I might come back here a new much happier person.

I've also thought of creating a separate thread named something like "One nice thing I did for my partner today" to help me and other in similar situation to get some ideas. Any thoughts on this?

Also wanted to say huge thanks to those who PMd me, seeing that some people are in far more difficult situations made me put things into perspective and think hard about what I want from my marriage. Good luck to all of you whichever decision you make and hope it works out for the best.