Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

nickyhutch

And my other points?

ciderwithrosie_2

nickyhutch wrote: »

What's wrong with expecting my partner to change if he goes from being a loving sociable, affable, friendly chap to sitting in the other room on the computer, refusing to go out with friends and never wanting sex? Why should I accept that change in him? I know, I know, I should find out what's behind it and put it right if possible, but what if there isn't anything behind it? Am I supposed to change into someone who thinks that's ok behaviour in a partner, to accept that as my lot in life and get on with it for another 40 years?

That's exactly my predicament - and I've tried, so bloody damn hard (for 22 years) to be a good wife and accept my lot (after all it was my decision to marry it wasn't forced on me), I'm exhausted with it. My mate said to me the other day, 'you've been unhappy (with your marriage) ever since I've known you - 12 years and that's a looooong time to waste', and she's completely right. But I know if I leave I'll look like the bad person because I've stuck it out this long IYSWIM .

thorsoak

If one expects to be "happy" all the time, that is a lot to demand! Life throws a lot at most of us, and we have to live with it - we cannot demand happiness 100% of the time, any more than we can expect life to be fair all the time. We have to live with what happens to us - when we are children we learn that we can't always have what we want - and that in itself is a pretty hard lesson. We learn that we can't always have the job/the car/the house/the person that we want - is that wrong? We've all been unhappy at some time or another at school/at work/at home - are we all wrong to accept that this is life? But that the state of "being happy" does not mean the be all and end all of everything?

A friend of mine is now almost 70. I've known her since we were both 12. She is still looking for happiness, having tried marriage 4 times, and had at least a further 4 relationships. She has 3 children, numerous stepchildren and children who have flitted in and out of her life, but now she has no partner, no relationship with any of these children/grandchildren - and she is still looking for happiness! I knew her first husband and one of her partners - and they were both devastated when she told them that she was not happy with them.

She is still looking for the bluebird - and says I wish I could have been as happy as I have been and how unfair it is that she hasn't been I wouldn't say I've been happy all the time - I certainly haven't been.

evansmummy

thorsoak wrote: »

If one expects to be "happy" all the time, that is a lot to demand! Life throws a lot at most of us, and we have to live with it - we cannot demand happiness 100% of the time, any more than we can expect life to be fair all the time.

Totally agree. I've been with my hubby for 15 years now (since we were 19) and I can honestly say he is my best friend. We have two toddlers which put a lot of strain on our relationship as children do but I wouldn't even consider the grass being greener.
Everyone has ebbs and flows in their relationship. Children taking up all your time and energy means that sometimes the only child free time you have you can't be bothered doing anything but mind-numbing tv. I know I do! Doesn't mean I love my husband any less and I don't want to talk to him, I just don't want to right then
Maybe your hubby just wants a bit of down time.

Oldernotwiser

nickyhutch wrote: »

Genuine question - why not?

Because it's aimless and immature. It's also likely to leave you sad and lonely, wishing that you'd appreciated what you had.

nickyhutch

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Because it's aimless and immature. It's also likely to leave you sad and lonely, wishing that you'd appreciated what you had.

Well, you and I aren't ever going to agree on this subject are we

I've appreciated every relationship I've had. FOr the record, I don't think alone (single) in later years necessarily means sad and lonely.

I'd rather be a bit immature than staid and dull, too.

Oldernotwiser

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Oh yes, I definitely could. (But am a firm believer in carving out the life you want so clearly don't want it that way enough.)

Not sure what you meant by lows. As in, what lows? It was all highs, laughter and hours in bed in the early days.;)

I think your memory's wearing rose coloured glasses.

What about the sitting round waiting for the phone to ring or wondering why the other person hasn't called? What about wondering whether this new man cares more for you than he did for previous women? What about the frustration of wanting someone to understand you but not always understanding them?

I wouldn't want to go through all that again, even to experience the ecstatic highs..

nickyhutch

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

That's exactly my predicament - and I've tried, so bloody damn hard (for 22 years) to be a good wife and accept my lot (after all it was my decision to marry it wasn't forced on me), I'm exhausted with it. My mate said to me the other day, 'you've been unhappy (with your marriage) ever since I've known you - 12 years and that's a looooong time to waste', and she's completely right. But I know if I leave I'll look like the bad person because I've stuck it out this long IYSWIM .

That's sad. You can't base a decision like that on whether you'll "look like the bad person". It doesn't matter what others think of you - you have to think about your happiness. I hope you can work things out one way or the other.

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

The number of people posting just on here about "drastic" changes such as those suggest that it's not so uncommon. "There will always be something behind it"? I don't think you can say that in all honesty, without having intimate knowledge of those couples.

This point? The others are within my comments so cannot be multiquoted.

Do you not think that there is always has to be "something" behind a change so drastic that a partner feels they are no longer married to the same person? I do. You may not know what it is, but there will be something. It doesn't happen by chance or overnight.

Oldernotwiser

nickyhutch wrote: »

My ex changed drastically (not as I've described, particularly, but drastically), and I tried every which way to work through it, but at the end of the day, he'd changed from what I married into something else.

You don't marry someone for the snapshot of who they are when you marry them but for the person they are underneath. Otherwise you're just like some thoughtless man who says he doesn't love you because you've put on weight or you're getting a few grey hairs! We all change over the years, both in personality and appearance, which is why a long term marriage is endlessly fascinating.

There's a reason why the traditional wedding vows say "til death do us part" rather than "til I stop fancying you" or "til you start falling asleep in front of the TV"!