Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

ciderwithrosie_2

That's all very well if you can both envisage an end to the unhappy times and want to work towards it, but how long do you give it? How long do you keep making excuses for someone, forgiving them, putting their wants and needs continually before yourself? There comes a time when the cons outweigh the pros, wedding vows or not. Maybe some people are just meant to mate for life, like swans or penguins and maybe some people just aren't made that way! Doesn't make them sad, just different.

lostinrates

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

That's all very well if you can both envisage an end to the unhappy times and want to work towards it, but how long do you give it? How long do you keep making excuses for someone, forgiving them, putting their wants and needs continually before yourself? There comes a time when the cons outweigh the pros, wedding vows or not. Maybe some people are just meant to mate for life, like swans or penguins and maybe some people just aren't made that way! Doesn't make them sad, just different.

Actually, i wouldn't give someone all that much time before raising it and suggesting we tackle my disatisfaction together.


Of course people change, and one of the bonuses of having a spouse or ltr with cmmitment is having someone to help support you through those changes without letting them get you down or get you big headed, depending what they are.

I am immensely different to the woman dh married, thanks to my illhealth. We married in early twenties, and now are in thirties, so not forever yet, but a period of huge change in our expectations....getting through the harder times we have had have i think, made us stronger and happier. Admittedly we have not had to face not feeling in love with each other, and i don't know how we would tackle that. But i do know we both make effort to keep our love healthy and think of each other. We haven't had any major challenges like infidelity. We have had career change, risky career moves, country moves, ill health and in law issues.

I also think it helped we met and married comparitively young, when still wuite flexible and not to set in our ways, We have grown together rather than apart, and developed routines around the pair of us rather than alone, which i think also makes us more compatible as we go on, not less. When one of us doesn't like something we are quick to say so, but not harsh with it. Then we talk and find a way we can live with, or a time scale we can agree on to get round things.

FBaby

lostinrates wrote: »

I also think it helped we met and married comparitively young, when still wuite flexible and not to set in our ways, We have grown together rather than apart, and developed routines around the pair of us rather than alone, which i think also makes us more compatible as we go on, not less.

I totally agree with this. My partner and I have tons in common and this is probably what makes us very compatible, but both had one long term serious relationship followed by a significant period of being of single. It worked well because neither were desperate to find someone else to get out of singlehood, but at the same time, it means we were quite set up in our own ways. I feel we have to work so much harder to brake these ways and make compromises. It is harder work. At the same time, we have both learnt from previous mistakes, hopefully mistakes we won't make again.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

But being alone in later years because you have never found enough to satisfy you is quite sad imo, and the likelihood is that if you have moved through the lives of several long term partners you have not done so amicably in every case. By definition this will have meant alienating family, friends, so you may well find yourself lonely as a consequence. Lonely for those who share your history, lonely for deep meaningful relationships, not necessarily physically alone, but you can be very lonely in a crowd of acquaintances.

So, not sharing your unquestioning acceptance of searching for eternal personal happiness at the expense of all else makes someone staid and boring? Speaks volumes.

So not wanting to be pinned down for ever in an unhappy relationship makes someone immature? Speaks volumes.

Staid and dull wasn't directed at anyone here.

nickyhutch

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But the "person underneath" has nothing to do with the person who sits watching TV every night, anymore than it did to the young man who was out ever night having a good time; they're both just the surface person.

I don't think you can comment on whether that's true in this specific case. This is my ex husband, who I was with for 12 years. I think I know what was the "person underneath" better than you, with respect.

nickyhutch

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I agree that being single when you're older necessarily means being lonely (after all, most women face a period of widowhood) but I do think it's possible to look back and regret throwing away a loving relationship (or even more than one) because of chasing after the illusion of being "in love".

Not everyone who leaves (in fact, probably not most people who leave) do so to "chase an illusion of being in love". They leave because they aren't happy. When I left, I was getting away from that, not thinking about my next conquest or who I could fall in love with next.

nickyhutch

thorsoak wrote: »

We all change as we grow older - some for the better, some for the worse. But we promise "for better, for worse" - and I for one will not promise something that I do not believe in. When I made those promises I meant them. We didn't promise that we would live happily ever after - the tough times came and disappeared, just as the good times had disappeared after a few years of same-old same-old. But the good days came back.

He changed, I changed - we didn't promise to remain the same.

I agree with those who have said that they haven't needed to renew their vows, because they've never been broken - perhaps we should look at refreshing them instead .

I can look back with a smile on our life together - not roses all the way - lots of thorns too - but we thrived on it. The passion, the boredom, the contentment, the impatience - they're all facets of a wonderful life.

If one isn't unhappy from time to time, how can one really appreciate when one is happy?

As Rosie says, though - how long do you try to get the good times back? What if the other person isn't interested in trying, despite your best efforts?

peaceandfreedom

jayII wrote: »

I feel incredibly passionate about my husband and I take great pleasure in feeling like that. But I don't presume to judge the rights or wrongs of anyone else feeling like that (or not) about their partner.

(Another unhappy wife here.) I would absolutely LOVE to still feel the same way about my DH now as I did when we married, it would be so wonderful. My sister said to me recently 'But you were sooo crazy about him' and I was puzzled because I genuinely can't remember that.

You and your husband are very lucky, JayII and I feel rather jealous.

Alikay

nickyhutch wrote: »

So not wanting to be pinned down for ever in an unhappy relationship makes someone immature?

Not at all. An emotionally mature person will recognise the difference between an unhappy or dull period in their life, and a marriage which simply isn't working.

Although I've been married to my current DH for 25 years, my previous marriage only lasted a couple of years. In the first marriage it was a very, very bad relationship right from the start, but I was young and in love and thought I could "fix" him (yeah...I know ). Leaving him was the right thing to do.

My second marriage is different: We support each other, have similar goals and values and like each other as well as love each other. Obviously I can't see into the future but I fully expect it to be "til death us do part", even though we didn't actually make that vow (civil wedding).

jayII

Ultimately, I think we are all responsible for our own happiness. If we've tried and tried to fix a difficult relationship and to work it out with the other party, but it is still not working and is making us unhappy, then I believe the mature thing to do is to ait's only sensible to call it a day. Sometimes things just can't be fixed and refusal to accept reality only creates ongoing misery.

Surely, if you've made countless efforts to work things out and haven't made any progress, then accepting the reality that it is just not going to work, is the mature thing to do?

Calling it a day also gives your partner a chance to find someone more suited to them.