Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

jayII

thorsoak wrote: »

But when people ask, as did Stormy waters at the beginning of this thread "Is there such thing as a happy marriage" then I can say yes - but it is bl**dy hard work! But it is so, so worth it when, like me, you can look back after 48 years and say I wouldn't change a day of it (well apart from the day he had the accident).

poet123 wrote: »

Nor would I, and I know how lucky I am to be able to say that, but it is not just down to luck, but also to perseverance and the will to get through the low points.

Isn't that a rather arrogant statement poet123? Maybe I've misunderstood, but you seem to be saying that those who haven't managed to stay together simply haven't tried as hard as you have.

It also seems to imply that you haven't been any luckier than them in your choice of partner and everything else that makes a marriage. How do you know that?

I agree that marriage is hard work, but I have no idea how much harder (or easier) it would have been with a different person or circumstances. All I know is that my OH and I were so close to breaking point at one point that the proverbial straw would have tipped the balance the other way. Thankfully it didn't fall!

Who is to say what how desperate the next person was, or what they went through, before they gave up on their marriage?

Torry_Quine

Gingham_R wrote: »

I left an ex boyfriend that I'd been living with for 4 years because I realised I'd feel a deep sense of disappointment if he asked me to marry him. There was nothing particularly 'wrong' but nothing very 'right' either.

I really hoped that one day I'd jump for joy at the prospect of marriage.
When my husband and I were pronounced 'husband and wife', that's exactly what I did. :j

That's something slightly different from expecting to be happy all the time. Of course I would say it's not a good idea to live with someone until you are married. Please don't take this this the wrong way but I can't get my head round you living with someone who marriage would be a disappointment with. At the very least I would have thought that living with someone you expect it to be for ever just the same as marriage.

poet123

jayII wrote: »

Isn't that a rather arrogant statement poet123? Maybe I've misunderstood, but you seem to be saying that those who haven't managed to stay together simply haven't tried as hard as you have.

It also seems to imply that you haven't been any luckier than them in your choice of partner and everything else that makes a marriage. How do you know that?

I agree that marriage is hard work, but I have no idea how much harder (or easier) it would have been with a different person or circumstances. All I know is that my OH and I were so close to breaking point at one point that the proverbial straw would have tipped the balance the other way. Thankfully it didn't fall!

Who is to say what how desperate the next person was, or what they went through, before they gave up on their marriage?

I am speaking personally, how could I do otherwise?

I had the luck to meet my husband, but luck alone would not have got us through, we, like you, have had to work at it. Not sure how that is any more arrogant than anything you or any other contributor to the thread has posted, but you are entitled to your view, and I am sure you will be thanked for it!!

jayII

poet123 wrote: »

I am speaking personally, how could I do otherwise?

I had the luck to meet my husband, but luck alone would not have got us through, we, like you, have had to work at it. Not sure how that is any more arrogant than anything you or any other contributor to the thread has posted, but you are entitled to your view, and I am sure you will be thanked for it!!

Hmm...I waffle too much so my main question probably wasn't clear:

Are you saying that people who split up haven't tried as hard as you have?

Gingham_R

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Please don't take this this the wrong way but I can't get my head round you living with someone who marriage would be a disappointment with. At the very least I would have thought that living with someone you expect it to be for ever just the same as marriage.

I left him when I realised that's how I felt.

I didn't move in with him expecting to separate, but I also didn't expect it to last for ever. It was 'see how it goes' and it was just okay. Sometimes less so, seldom more so. We just limped on, more housemates than partners.

My previous long term relationship had been a violent one so I didn't know that there could be more - at least not for me. I felt bad about wanting to leave a good man.

We're good friends now. He came to our wedding.

I'd say, for me, living together was nothing like marriage. Not even with my husband. The commitment we made is a very powerful one unlike any other promise I've ever made.

Torry_Quine

Gingham_R wrote: »

I left him when I realised that's how I felt.

I didn't move in with him expecting to separate, but I also didn't expect it to last for ever. It was 'see how it goes' and it was just okay. Sometimes less so, seldom more so. We just limped on, more housemates than partners.

My previous long term relationship had been a violent one so I didn't know that there could be more - at least not for me. I felt bad about wanting to leave a good man.

We're good friends now. He came to our wedding.

Thank you for being so open and honest. I can see how having come from a violent relationship you would be wary.

meritaten

There is a bit of 'you shouldnt expect too much - and maybe you arent trying hard enough dear' about this thread.
I get the impression that the OP is the only one trying to make the marraige work. her OH is sitting back and complacently thinking that cos HE is ok - she is too! and nothing she says is shifting that!
Remember - it takes TWO to make a marraige work! if only one is trying or willing to try - it becomes less than a marraige and more like slave labour!

Gingham_R

jayII wrote: »

Isn't that a rather arrogant statement poet123? Maybe I've misunderstood, but you seem to be saying that those who haven't managed to stay together simply haven't tried as hard as you have.?

I didn't read it like that at all. :beer:

poet123

jayII wrote: »

Hmm...I waffle too much so my main question probably wasn't clear:

Are you saying that people who split up haven't tried as hard as you have?

No, not necessarily, because to be honest, in the scheme of things, I haven't had to try too hard, but, had the need arisen, I would have tried extremely hard.

However, undoubtedly and obviously there are some people who split up who wouldn't have been prepared to try as hard, for whatever reason. How you would judge who those people are from the outside I am not sure, but I am sure they exist. You only have to read some of the posts on this board (not this thread) to know that.

Torry_Quine

meritaten wrote: »

There is a bit of 'you shouldnt expect too much - and maybe you arent trying hard enough dear' about this thread.
I get the impression that the OP is the only one trying to make the marraige work. her OH is sitting back and complacently thinking that cos HE is ok - she is too! and nothing she says is shifting that!
Remember - it takes TWO to make a marraige work! if only one is trying or willing to try - it becomes less than a marraige and more like slave labour!

I'm certainly not criticising the OP but rather talking generally that some couples are not willing to work on a marriage but rather walk away.