Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

mgdavid

nickyhutch wrote: »

But Torry, what's wrong with walking away rather than trying? What if you don't want to be with that person any longer - why would you try? I didn't want to be with my ex any more because he was unsociable, rude, mean, cynical, uncompassionate, nasty, curmudgeonly.... etc etc... why would I want to try to stay with him?

was he like that when you married him or did he react to you?

only (half) joking... the point being, if a couple don't communicate too well they sometimes bring out the worst in each other but if they give a bit of thought about 'cause and effect' communication then they can bring out the best in each other and have a happy time... that's what is meant by 'working at it'. Unfortunately in many many cases it goes too far to be retrievable, often because individuals adopt an entrenched position and are unwilling to try change.

nickyhutch

mgdavid wrote: »

was he like that when you married him or did he react to you?

only (half) joking... the point being, if a couple don't communicate too well they sometimes bring out the worst in each other but if they give a bit of thought about 'cause and effect' communication then they can bring out the best in each other and have a happy time... that's what is meant by 'working at it'. Unfortunately in many many cases it goes too far to be retrievable, often because individuals adopt an entrenched position and are unwilling to try change.

Well, he's still being "like that" 10 years after we separated, so I doubt whether it was just reacting to me

We communicated fine - he made his feelings/emotions very clear. I did work at it. He didn't because he saw nothing wrong with how he was and expected me to become like that too. No entrenchment, just finally giving up.

Why do some people seem intent on the (as someone said earlier) "you didn't try hard enough, dear" attitude? I DID. He DIDN'T.

Taadaa

thorsoak wrote: »

Sadly it has been my experience in recent years that too many women become absolute "bridezillas" about their wedding day, without giving any thought to the marriage that comes next.

Five couples of my acquaintance (ages ranging from 22 to 38) have spent up to three years and in excess of £15,000 planning a wedding and then, within two to three years (in one case only 18 months) have split up.

Too much thought put into the "one day" and not enough into the "one life"

I know people that got married at the same time I did - 14 months ago - and split within the year. I spent the first year thinking about putting my vows into practice, I would never have thought of giving up just like that.

Torry_Quine

nickyhutch wrote: »

But Torry, what's wrong with walking away rather than trying? What if you don't want to be with that person any longer - why would you try? I didn't want to be with my ex any more because he was unsociable, rude, mean, cynical, uncompassionate, nasty, curmudgeonly.... etc etc... why would I want to try to stay with him?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but surely you would try first before walking away. I don't know your precise circumstances and we all have to do what we feel is right and I would never judge someone who just walks away.

nickyhutch

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but surely you would try first before walking away. I don't know your precise circumstances and we all have to do what we feel is right and I would never judge someone who just walks away.

I did try; I'm sorry, I know that wasn't clear in that post. Some comments do, though, sound a bit "you didn't try hard enough, dear".

nickyhutch

thorsoak wrote: »

Sadly it has been my experience in recent years that too many women become absolute "bridezillas" about their wedding day, without giving any thought to the marriage that comes next.

Five couples of my acquaintance (ages ranging from 22 to 38) have spent up to three years and in excess of £15,000 planning a wedding and then, within two to three years (in one case only 18 months) have split up.

Too much thought put into the "one day" and not enough into the "one life"

That's very true; you only need to look at wedding forums to see the evidence.

Gingham_R

thorsoak wrote: »

Sadly it has been my experience in recent years that too many women become absolute "bridezillas" about their wedding day, without giving any thought to the marriage that comes next.

Five couples of my acquaintance (ages ranging from 22 to 38) have spent up to three years and in excess of £15,000 planning a wedding and then, within two to three years (in one case only 18 months) have split up.

Too much thought put into the "one day" and not enough into the "one life"

Seen it time and again. The day. All about 'the day'. Never talk of what comes next. And the expense. The right this, the right that. The preparation is all about the wrong thing.

And, when my husband didn't buy me an engagement ring (I don't even wear my wedding ring) I had women telling me I 'needed' the biggest ring he could manage. Every one of them said they'd made sure their husbands had got them huge rings. Every one of them divorced.

I don't mean to suggest that the women caused the divorces. What I mean is that they STILL saw these things as important, despite clear evidence to the contrary.

Torry_Quine

Gingham_R wrote: »

Seen it time and again. The day. All about 'the day'. Never talk of what comes next. And the expense. The right this, the right that. The preparation is all about the wrong thing.

And, when my husband didn't buy me an engagement ring (I don't even wear my wedding ring) I had women telling me I 'needed' the biggest ring he could manage. Every one of them said they'd made sure their husbands had got them huge rings. Every one of them divorced.

I don't mean to suggest that the women caused the divorces. What I mean is that they STILL saw these things as important, despite clear evidence to the contrary.

You can often read on threads here that people are deflated after the wedding as that was the thing that it was all about. Although a special day its the marriage that's important not the wedding.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

I did try; I'm sorry, I know that wasn't clear in that post. Some comments do, though, sound a bit "you didn't try hard enough, dear".

I think then, you are saying, in this instance, pretty much the same as those you think you are disagreeing with. Try, then if that fails and there is no reason beyond the other party's control, leave.

Alikay

Gingham_R wrote: »

And, when my husband didn't buy me an engagement ring (I don't even wear my wedding ring) I had women telling me I 'needed' the biggest ring he could manage. Every one of them said they'd made sure their husbands had got them huge rings. Every one of them divorced.

I feel the same about the OTT staged proposals: We both knew where our relationship was going from quite early on, and talked about our hopes and dreams, so the "proposal" if you can call it that, was pretty low-key, and as much about it being time to inform our families and friends than anything else.

I can never understand some girls weeping with joy as their live-in boyfriend of 7 years whips a rock out of his pocket during a champagne hot air balloon flight (or some other romantic scenario) and claim to be stunned. Have they never talked about their future?

Edited to add: Sorry, I'm not a total cynic - Obv lots of people wiil cry and get all emotional when their man/lady proposes! I'm thinking more of those big extravaganza type proposals which seem mean a lot more as events in themselves than the decision to make a major lifelong commitment to one another.