Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

jayII

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

(Another unhappy wife here.) I would absolutely LOVE to still feel the same way about my DH now as I did when we married, it would be so wonderful. My sister said to me recently 'But you were sooo crazy about him' and I was puzzled because I genuinely can't remember that.

You and your husband are very lucky, JayII and I feel rather jealous.

We are very lucky, I count my blessings every day. I wish everyone could be as happy as we are.

On the other hand, it hasn't always been plain sailing and we've had to work very hard to keep things going at times. The passion has always been there, but we had a couple of very rough patches, when the passion almost went to the other extreme, and we were very angry with each other.

He won't mind me posting this, but I'll keep it brief anyway out of respect for him. A few years ago we came very close to seperating. We had some very big life changes so were both coping with new situations and pressures, we'd relocated so our support networks were hundreds of miles away, various other things were going on.

Then for some reason, neither of us seemed to understand what the other one was going through and we got further and further apart. We were still together but each of us felt very alone, confused and scared and as a result we both made some silly decisions, mistakes and our marriage really hit rock bottom. I can't remember any more how we saved things, I think it was a combination of sheer bloody mindedness, unwillingness to give up (we're VERY stubborn) and many many hours of talking and listening, deep into the night, night after night.

It's taken us years to get back on an even keel, but our relationship is now better than it has ever been.

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

So not wanting to be pinned down for ever in an unhappy relationship makes someone immature? Speaks volumes.

Staid and dull wasn't directed at anyone here.

I think if you look back at the start of that dialogue, it was about those who seemingly forever seek the newness of love being aimless and immature, not about those who have tried and failed to make a marriage work yet are still unhappy. You made it seem rather personal when you answered ONW (who as far as I know was simply answering your query as to why that was wrong) with the staid and dull comment.

You seem to be taking these comments personally, when they are purely conversational.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

I think if you look back at the start of that dialogue, it was about those who seemingly forever seek the newness of love being aimless and immature, not about those who have tried and failed to make a marriage work yet are still unhappy. You made it seem rather personal when you answered ONW (who as far as I know was simply answering your query as to why that was wrong) with the staid and dull comment.

You seem to be taking these comments personally, when they are purely conversational.

It irritates me that some people assume that anyone leaving a relationship hasn't tried, and is never happy, and is constantly on the lookout for the bigger, better thing. It's just not the case for everyone who leaves, and I'd argue that most leavers don't fall into those categories. I don't like the veiled implication that those who stay are somehow stronger, better people and can take the higher moral ground than we weaklings who gave in, broke a promise and upped and went.

I took the "immature" comment personally and was pulled up on the "staid and dull" comment even though it wasn't aimed at anyone in particular ("speaks volumes").

You and I and ONW have had this conversation before on a couple of different threads and are never going to agree!

Gingham_R

Jay, I admire your post very much. I think that it's a wonderful thing to both remember that a relationship is worth fighting for and put heart and soul into making it happen. I don't think there's anything wrong with splitting up when things are beyond repair either and I'm not trying to imply otherwise, but if people were genuinely happy once, I don't think it always disappears in the bleak times.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We still have the passion too. If I'd expected it to be easy, I'd have been sorely disappointed. It isn't easy. We have had to face some nightmares together. Somehow, we have managed to do it together, despite wanting to deal with things differently (one 'leave me alone and pretend it's not happening' type and one 'talk and talk and talk until gums bleed' type!)

We find ways of reaching out to each other.

I don't know what's round the corner for us. I do know that there are very happy marriages out there and that it is possible to have passion in a marriage because that's how it is for us. But we've both had to step up when the going got tough.

jayII

Are any of you actually suggesting that people should stay in an unhappy relationship for the rest of their life, even after trying many times to repair the damage or to reconnect with their partner?

Surely the majority of adults, in the above situation, can be trusted to make the right decision for themselves and their children?

I agree that a few people do give up too easily, go from relationship to relationship and create devastation along the way. But I think that is still better than reverting to past times when too many very unhappy people stayed together due to social pressures.

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

It irritates me that some people assume that anyone leaving a relationship hasn't tried, and is never happy, and is constantly on the lookout for the bigger, better thing. It's just not the case for everyone who leaves, and I'd argue that most leavers don't fall into those categories. I don't like the veiled implication that those who stay are somehow stronger, better people and can take the higher moral ground than we weaklings who gave in, broke a promise and upped and went.

I took the "immature" comment personally and was pulled up on the "staid and dull" comment even though it wasn't aimed at anyone in particular ("speaks volumes").

You and I and ONW have had this conversation before on a couple of different threads and are never going to agree!

Where did anyone say that "anyone" who leaves a marriage hasn't tried? No one has said that, clearly that isn't true. What has been said that there those who have serial relationships because they are constantly looking for perfection or constant happiness, and that simply doesn't exist.

jayII

Gingham_R wrote: »

Jay, I admire your post very much. I think that it's a wonderful thing to both remember that a relationship is worth fighting for and put heart and soul into making it happen. I don't think there's anything wrong with splitting up when things are beyond repair either and I'm not trying to imply otherwise, but if people were genuinely happy once, I don't think it always disappears in the bleak times.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We still have the passion too. If I'd expected it to be easy, I'd have been sorely disappointed. It isn't easy. We have had to face some nightmares together. Somehow, we have managed to do it together, despite wanting to deal with things differently (one 'leave me alone and pretend it's not happening' type and one 'talk and talk and talk until gums bleed' type!)

We find ways of reaching out to each other.

I don't know what's round the corner for us. I do know that there are very happy marriages out there and that it is possible to have passion in a marriage because that's how it is for us. But we've both had to step up when the going got tough.

Thank you GR, it's good to read that we're not the only ones who still feel such a strong passion for each other, after years together. I think 'passionate' is just one of the many different types of happy marriages.

Marriage is incredibly hard and painful at times and I think (in my case) that our passionate natures are part of what makes it so hard. We feel everything so strongly and compromise can be hell.

I also never expected marriage to be easy, I love 'alone time' for one thing, so how could sharing a house and bedroom with someone else, possibly for the rest of my life, be easy!

What I didn't expect was how mind blowingly wonderful married life can be, and is, most of the time.

thorsoak

How many beds have you got through in your marriages?

Married for over 45years, we went through quite a few . The first one (after about 8-10 years) sagged in the middle. The second went down at each side, with a hump in the middle. Third one sagged in the middle again. The one I'm just about to change also sagged (but not so much) in the mddle.

Think that says quite a bit about physical closeness being important too.

I'm another who married young - met OH when I was 16, married at 20. We were lucky in that as we matured in marriage, we still liked each other - I swear we both did more growing up once we were married than before.

It wasn't always easy though - he fought hard and long against it when, late 60s/early 70s I embraced Feminism - I fought too - and eventually, after lots of blood sweat and tears (his and mine) he learned to respect how I felt and became a convert himself. But I too respected his feelings, and when (in mid 70s) he announced that he wanted to go back to university in his late 30s and take another degree, I supported him in his career change.

Later, mid 80s with a family of 4 children and living in a renovation project nightmare, he had a serious accident and I had to take responsibility for everything - and this was mid 80s with absolutely no Welfare State safety net as there is now. But we coped - he suffered minor brain damage which meant that his thinking processes were no longer what they were, and his short term memory was almost non-existant for a time. But we coped. I wasn't happy at all then - I could see no future ahead - no one would have blamed me for walking out - but I would have blamed me.

And gradually things got better again - the man I loved was still in there - and we were lucky - he wasn't violent as can often happen in the case of brain injuries - and by continually talking at him, he found his way back.

At the end, we realised just how lucky we were, to have grown up together, still liking some things that the other liked - or just appreciating the fact that we could dislike something that the other liked - I could never understand rugby/his liking for it, the way that he would get so excited watching a match on TV that he could jump up and ruin a light fitting (I'd go out!) - he could never get excited about the computer - "you and that bl**dy thing!"

Some people do make mistakes, some people are just not what they seem to be, and I would never, ever, suggest that people should stay together just for the sake of it - where there is mental cruelty/physical violence/cheating - sexual and financial - then I'm amongst the first to say go now.

But when people ask, as did Stormy waters at the beginning of this thread "Is there such thing as a happy marriage" then I can say yes - but it is bl**dy hard work! But it is so, so worth it when, like me, you can look back after 48 years and say I wouldn't change a day of it (well apart from the day he had the accident).

Torry_Quine

thorsoak that's beautiful. I got a lump in my throat reading it. Next month is my silver anniversary and though there have been highs and lows, more low at the moment! I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with him. So I would say there is such a thing as a happy marriage.

I am truly blessed but would never judge or condemn others who are not in this position and my heart goes out to those of you in difficult situations.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

Where did anyone say that "anyone" who leaves a marriage hasn't tried? No one has said that, clearly that isn't true. What has been said that there those who have serial relationships because they are constantly looking for perfection or constant happiness, and that simply doesn't exist.

And I'm saying that there are as many who've had "serial relationships" simply because they (or their partners, or both) have been unhappy and moved on, NOT just because they think the grass is greener.