Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

nickyhutch

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You don't marry someone for the snapshot of who they are when you marry them but for the person they are underneath. Otherwise you're just like some thoughtless man who says he doesn't love you because you've put on weight or you're getting a few grey hairs! We all change over the years, both in personality and appearance, which is why a long term marriage is endlessly fascinating.

There's a reason why the traditional wedding vows say "til death do us part" rather than "til I stop fancying you" or "til you start falling asleep in front of the TV"!

So if the person they are underneath turns out to be the polar opposite of what you married, and entirely unsuited to you, you stick with it, just because you said "til death us do part"? I can promise you, what my ex turned into was far from fascinating, and much, much more than putting weight on or going grey.

Again, we're not going to agree. I respect your view, but cannot agree with you at all.

FBaby

I was unhappy in my relationship with my ex. It was a gradual thing, growing out of increase frustrations, a feeling of being taken for granted, of lies and deception. The anger turned to indifference, the love to carelessness. I was 33 when we separated and despite becoming a busy single mum with not much of a social life, I felt pretty confident I would meet someone else, if not immediately, soon enough... I was a bit taken by surprise how it turned out to be not just a case of wanting it... I was single for 5 years after that, and yep, at times, I did reflect on our relationship, especially when my ex got serious with his new girlfriend, but I never regretted my decision, even at my lowest, because I felt confident that we would never have rekindled what we first had. I met my OH 3 years ago, and I now still have no regrets, but am gratefully thankful that I did leave my ex. Our relationship is not plain saling, we have our ups and downs, and it's only been 3 years!!!! But I am (and I strongly feels he is too) totally dedicated to him. I don't love him or feel less attracted to him during our lows. I also feel that despite the frustrations that takes over during our lows, I do feel that we move forward and closer to each other every time.

I think you have to go with your gut feeling as long as you remain honest with yourself and that you don't choose to stay with someone out of resignation but out of a deliberate belief that things are not so bad and worth fighting for.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

This point? The others are within my comments so cannot be multiquoted.

Do you not think that there is always has to be "something" behind a change so drastic that a partner feels they are no longer married to the same person? I do. You may not know what it is, but there will be something. It doesn't happen by chance or overnight.

No, I don't. As far as he was concerned, he agreed he had changed enormously, and his opinion was that I should, too, just to match him. I understand and acknowledge that everyone changes over the years, but what if he goes one way and she goes the other? It just wont work.

FBaby

nickyhutch wrote: »

So if the person they are underneath turns out to be the polar opposite of what you married, and entirely unsuited to you, you stick with it, just because you said "til death us do part"? I can promise you, what my ex turned into was far from fascinating, and much, much more than putting weight on or going grey.

I don't think people change drastically, I think people grow apart, but they don't realise it until they actually take a good look at it. The realisation that they have changed can be drastic, but in most likelyhood the signs that lead to the changes were there for some time.

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

Well, you and I aren't ever going to agree on this subject are we

I've appreciated every relationship I've had. FOr the record, I don't think alone (single) in later years necessarily means sad and lonely.

I'd rather be a bit immature than staid and dull, too.

But being alone in later years because you have never found enough to satisfy you is quite sad imo, and the likelihood is that if you have moved through the lives of several long term partners you have not done so amicably in every case. By definition this will have meant alienating family, friends, so you may well find yourself lonely as a consequence. Lonely for those who share your history, lonely for deep meaningful relationships, not necessarily physically alone, but you can be very lonely in a crowd of acquaintances.

So, not sharing your unquestioning acceptance of searching for eternal personal happiness at the expense of all else makes someone staid and boring? Speaks volumes.

FBaby

nickyhutch wrote: »

No, I don't. As far as he was concerned, he agreed he had changed enormously, and his opinion was that I should, too, just to match him. I understand and acknowledge that everyone changes over the years, but what if he goes one way and she goes the other? It just wont work.

I do agree with that though. There comes a time where you can find yourself at such a different scale of the coin, you can't change yourself to suit the direction the other person has taken.

I have found that this can often be the result of dealing differently to difficult times. A friend of mine was married for 20 years with the love of her life and best friends. They were so close. After 10 years, they tried to conceive without success. At first, they were very united, fighting the infertility together, but after some time, when grief came into it, they coped totally differently. My friend wanted to move on and to do so, she focussed on her career. She went back to college, started a totally new job and found some satisfaction with it, even if she still missed being a mum. Her husband on the other hand became even more dependent on her, expecting her to be more active to deal with the infertility. They reached a stage where she resented him for basing all his hope and happiness on her, he resented her for having moved on in a selfish way. They never managed to get close again, the more they tried to sort out their differences, the more accentuated they became. It is sad, but changes in people can tear the strongest relationships apart.

FBaby

poet123 wrote: »

But being alone in later years because you have never found enough to satisfy you is quite sad imo.

A lot of people find themselves alone for other reasons then their unwillingness to satisfy themselves. As said previously, I was on my own for 5 years... after 3, i started worrying that I was too picky turning down men when I didn't think things were right. I wondered if I needed to start lowering my expectations at the risk of being on my own...thank god I didn't, I am soooo grateful I didn't, because things are hard enough already with someone you believe is The One, let alone with someone you just satisfy yourself with...because you believe that this is the best you can do.

It's like everything else, in life, you take your chances, sometimes you miss out and might regret your decision, sometimes you win, and you are so grateful for having taken the step forward. All you can do is calculate the risk as well as you can, but one way or the other, you will never know if the alternative was better or worse.

thorsoak

nickyhutch wrote: »

So if the person they are underneath turns out to be the polar opposite of what you married, and entirely unsuited to you, you stick with it, just because you said "til death us do part"? I can promise you, what my ex turned into was far from fascinating, and much, much more than putting weight on or going grey.

Again, we're not going to agree. I respect your view, but cannot agree with you at all.

We all change as we grow older - some for the better, some for the worse. But we promise "for better, for worse" - and I for one will not promise something that I do not believe in. When I made those promises I meant them. We didn't promise that we would live happily ever after - the tough times came and disappeared, just as the good times had disappeared after a few years of same-old same-old. But the good days came back.

He changed, I changed - we didn't promise to remain the same.

I agree with those who have said that they haven't needed to renew their vows, because they've never been broken - perhaps we should look at refreshing them instead .

I can look back with a smile on our life together - not roses all the way - lots of thorns too - but we thrived on it. The passion, the boredom, the contentment, the impatience - they're all facets of a wonderful life.

If one isn't unhappy from time to time, how can one really appreciate when one is happy?

Oldernotwiser

nickyhutch wrote: »

Well, you and I aren't ever going to agree on this subject are we

I've appreciated every relationship I've had. FOr the record, I don't think alone (single) in later years necessarily means sad and lonely.

I'd rather be a bit immature than staid and dull, too.

I agree that being single when you're older necessarily means being lonely (after all, most women face a period of widowhood) but I do think it's possible to look back and regret throwing away a loving relationship (or even more than one) because of chasing after the illusion of being "in love".

Oldernotwiser

nickyhutch wrote: »

So if the person they are underneath turns out to be the polar opposite of what you married, and entirely unsuited to you, you stick with it, just because you said "til death us do part"? I can promise you, what my ex turned into was far from fascinating, and much, much more than putting weight on or going grey.

But the "person underneath" has nothing to do with the person who sits watching TV every night, anymore than it did to the young man who was out ever night having a good time; they're both just the surface person.