Is there such thing as a happy marriage?

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

Genuine question- is there a limit to how many times you would consider doing this? If so, why?

No, I don't think so. Why would there be? I just don't get this idea that someone, after trying to make things better, should stay with someone who makes them unhappy.

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

No, I don't think so. Why would there be? I just don't get this idea that someone, after trying to make things better, should stay with someone who makes them unhappy.

The point was that "you" (the universal you, not you personally!) weren't unhappy, just not in that first flush of love, or perhaps not what you would designate as being "in love" but rather "just" loved your partner.

How do we know that the grass will be greener, does it matter who else is affected as long as we keep trying to re capture that elusive feeling? Could there be some people for whom that first flush will never last so moving on always hoves onto the horizon?

When should somemone accept that their idealised version of love and marriage is not going to happen? Or do you continually move on leaving a trail of devastation your wake?

No wonder there are serial adulterers if some believe that you can stay in that bubble for ever and never settle into a deeper, perhaps less frantic kind of love. You can still have great sex though!!

Alikay

I prefer to think of our marriage as strong rather than happy. At the moment, life is good, very good: We are happy - why wouldn't we be? But 10 years ago, it was a different story - my dad died suddenly, mum was seriously mentally and physically ill, there were a couple of school-related issues with our children and money was a problem so life in general was stressful and joyless. Neither of us blamed our marriage for the sh ite life was throwing at us, and luckily things changed. So our marriage hasn't always been happy, but I must say that when the going gets tough there's no-one else I'd rather be miserable with than DH:D

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

The point was that "you" (the universal you, not you personally!) weren't unhappy, just not in that first flush of love, or perhaps not what you would designate as being "in love" but rather "just" loved your partner. I think the OP sounds unhappy, rather than out of that first flush.

How do we know that the grass will be greener we don't, but it might be. I'd rather be alone than unhappy. , does it matter who else is affected of course it does. I'm not advocating trashing people's lives, just looking after yourself and your emotional health long as we keep trying to re capture that elusive feeling? and I'm not talking about that, either. People leave for better reasons that recapturing that elusive feeling. Could there be some people for whom that first flush will never last so moving on always hoves onto the horizon? There may be, but that's not what I was talking about.

When should somemone accept that their idealised version of love and marriage is not going to happen? That's a bit depressing and a bit patronising. Or do you continually move on leaving a trail of devastation your wake? And that's a bit dramatic. Again, it's not what I'm advocating. I'm talking about miserable, unhappy people sticking together for the sake of it.

No wonder there are serial adulterers if some believe that you can stay in that bubble for ever and never settle into a deeper, perhaps less frantic kind of love. You can still have great sex though!!

I don't believe one can stay in that bubble forever. I do believe, though, that one has a right to be happy in a relationship, and to leave if, after trying, and trying, and trying, one isn't happy.

Lunar_Eclipse

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Could you? I think that you've forgotten about the lows that go with it and how it's almost impossible to live a normal life as well.

As Poet said, "life intervenes" and I have to say that it's a good thing it does.

Oh yes, I definitely could. (But am a firm believer in carving out the life you want so clearly don't want it that way enough.)

Not sure what you meant by lows. As in, what lows? It was all highs, laughter and hours in bed in the early days.;)

Perhaps you're right about leading a normal life as well (although what's normal?) I have friends who are parents who still party hard, are out several nights a week and continue to act like teenagers most of the time. I'm not interested in behaving in that way anymore (every Sunday sleeping off a hangover: no thanks) so don't. Sometimes I do envy their carefree ways that remind me of my younger days, but ultimately it's not the life I want to model for my children.

I think I'm digressing now & entering new territory ...

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

I don't believe one can stay in that bubble forever. I do believe, though, that one has a right to be happy in a relationship, and to leave if, after trying, and trying, and trying, one isn't happy.

I didnt think you were referring to the OP, rather ansking a general question. My comments certainly weren't necessarily directed at the OP. From what we have heard here I dont think we can judge.

I agree one has the right to be in a happy relationship, but I think there are people who think that the grass is greener when their relationship hits a rocky patch, and move on to the next one in search of happy ever after. No relationship is the same day in day out, there are highs and lows. It is how you deal with them that is key.

I also think too many people look to their partner to fix themselves, that is never going to work. Only you can change, you can't make anyone change, or expect them to change you.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

I agree one has the right to be in a happy relationship, but I think there are people who think that the grass is greener when their relationship hits a rocky patch, and move on to the next one in search of happy ever after. I'm sure there are. I think there are more who try very, very hard at their relationship, then get slated for leaving "in search of happy ever after" when in reality, all they've ddone is exhausted every eventuality and decided that they need to leave to be happy. No relationship is the same day in day out, there are highs and lows. It is how you deal with them that is key. And I don't think there's anything wrong, when the lows massively outweigh the highs, in moving on.

I also think too many people look to their partner to fix themselves, that is never going to work. Only you can change, you can't make anyone change, or expect them to change you.

I don't get your last paragraph. We can't change other people, so we should change for them instead? Isn't that a contradiction? We can't change other people but they can expect us to change?

What's wrong with expecting my partner to change if he goes from being a loving sociable, affable, friendly chap to sitting in the other room on the computer, refusing to go out with friends and never wanting sex? Why should I accept that change in him? I know, I know, I should find out what's behind it and put it right if possible, but what if there isn't anything behind it? Am I supposed to change into someone who thinks that's ok behaviour in a partner, to accept that as my lot in life and get on with it for another 40 years?

poet123

It is hard to respond when you reply in previous posts instead of usig the qmulti quote facility. The last paragraph means that if you have your own issues then no partner can solve them, you can only solve them yourself. If your partner does undergo such a drastic change there will always be somehting behind it, stress, illness, money worries, family problems etc. How long you try to find a solutuion before moving on depends largely on how much you value the relationship. If ultimately you get to a point where you cannot go on, then of course you need to leave, but if you seem to keep getting to that point with several partners....it suggests it cannot always be them.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

It is hard to respond when you reply in previous posts instead of usig the qmulti quote facility. The last paragraph means that if you have your own issues then no partner can solve them, you can only solve them yourself. If your partner does undergo such a drastic change there will always be somehting behind it, stress, illness, money worries, family problems etc. How long you try to find a solutuion before moving on depends largely on how much you value the relationship. If ultimately you get to a point where you cannot go on, then of course you need to leave, but if you seem to keep getting to that point with several partners....it suggests it cannot always be them.

The number of people posting just on here about "drastic" changes such as those suggest that it's not so uncommon. "There will always be something behind it"? I don't think you can say that in all honesty, without having intimate knowledge of those couples.

My ex changed drastically (not as I've described, particularly, but drastically), and I tried every which way to work through it, but at the end of the day, he'd changed from what I married into something else.

FOr what it's worth, I've only got to that point with one husband although I realise you might have been suggesting there was something afoot with me, and not my countless partners I've left behind devastated

poet123

I was not suggesting anything about you (as I pointed out previously) it was you in the abstract. To paraphrase the words of the old adage, once may be understandable, twice or more and it cannot be everyone else that is at fault.