private account in a relationship?

BugglyB

Steel wrote: »

You don't have to be nasty about it or argue. Gentle but firm no repeated often will do it. And if he gets angry and nasty about it, or tries to bully or guilt trip you, you'll have a peak at an 'interesting' side of his personality so one day when the time comes you can see whether you do want to marry him.

How your future mate deals with a 'no' from you is very important, because it is your right to be able to say no to something without there being anger, bullying or guilt laid on you.

This is the most important thing. It doesn't matter how your money is arranged - you could have it converted into gold and stashed in your grans attic - as long as you are both happy with it. The fact you have posted here shows you are not happy about it, and how he deals with you saying 'I'm not happy about this' is very important.

quantumleap

It is not acceptable for you to save into his savings account each month.

My wife and I have a joint current account, a joint savings account and savings account each. I put double what she puts into the joint savings account but I work full time and earn considerably more - she however works part time and looks after the kids which enables me to do what I do - so no problems there. If I need access to monies in the joint account I do not need her input to withdraw money (although I do always consult her beforehand) so your OH is telling you lies - simple as that! It is as easy to access funds in a joint savings account.

We also have a savings account each and it is no business of mine how much my wife has in it. I know because she tells me and I her but that is her choice not my demand!

You need to sort this out - your OH is being completely unreasonable and his demands are totally unacceptable.

QL

thunderbird

amyb wrote: »

Gosh. Some really paranoid people here - either that or i am far too naive.


As i said maybe i'm naive - but i would rather that than being bitter and suspicios. Sorry

I thought the same thing! My OH and I have had joint current and savings account ever since we have lived together (20+ years not all of them married) and can look at what each other have spent, if we so wish. I have never thought anything of it really and am amazed at how many people seem to be horrified by such a situation.

For the OP I would say the only thing that needs amending is that the savings account be in joint names. Very sad that people seem to be planning for a relationship to break up.

indebtinsussex

we have a joint account where all our money is paid, however, we only use the one card so theres never any problems with us spending and not realising what the other person is spending on, then separate savings accounts but the same amount goes into each of them, and we've talked about getting seperate accounts where we can transfer funds in each month to spend how we want and have some privacy, but its never really bothered us at all, if he wants something he asks for the card or cash and if I want something I ask for the card or cash

MrsManda

It all depends on what you're comfortable with. Money is a major factor in relationship difficulties and breakdowns simply because it can be such an emotive issue with people having different views on what is the 'right' thing to do.

My OH and I have had a joint account into which all income goes since about 6 months after we started dating. The reason being that I wasn't working due to ill health and didn't get any benefits due to my OH's income/savings. The joint account allowed me to do the household shopping without having to ask for cash all the time. My OH's parents were horrified but he said that he preferred to make a slightly expensive mistake (if I decided to empty the account and run away) than a bigger one later if we got married.

We've kept to the same principle ever since though we both have a separate 'nice things' account where we get a set amount of money each month to spend on each other's birthday/christmas present and anything else we want which doesn't fit into the general household budget.

We also have separate savings accounts to make the most of our ISA allowances. Over the years we've paid roughly equal into each ISA though this can change so for example we bought a car with my ISA savings so all our savings for this year are going into my ISA unless I reach my limit.

We use Microsoft Money to make a budget and keep track of our spending and savings. The joint account, savings accounts and the credit cards paid from the joint account all are connected but our nice things accounts are not because they're not part of the household budget.

You need to find what is right for the two of you as the money issue needs to be resolved in order for you to have a happily functioning relationship. good luck

Carl31

thunderbird wrote: »

I thought the same thing! My OH and I have had joint current and savings account ever since we have lived together (20+ years not all of them married) and can look at what each other have spent, if we so wish. I have never thought anything of it really and am amazed at how many people seem to be horrified by such a situation.

For the OP I would say the only thing that needs amending is that the savings account be in joint names. Very sad that people seem to be planning for a relationship to break up.

We have this situation, i cant stand it when friends come to me and say 'well, i pay for this, she pays for that, then she expects me to pay for this, and this, and so I said no, then we had a fight. But i do earn more, so i should spend more' etc..
theres no right or wrong, its just what works for people. In our relationship, i earn 4-5 times what my partner does, but she only works part time to stay with the kids, it would be unfair (in my eyes) not to split things down middle
Both our house, both our bills, both our kids, both our money is how i play it

wer enot married yet either

Inclusive

You have been together for 10 years, this means you have a stable relationship and should be able to trust each other. If you trust him then open a joint current account and have both your salaries paid into it. This is easier for budgeting and enables both of you to see where you are spending money, as well as possibly offering a higher interest rate because there is more money in the account. Financial privacy isn't appropriate in a family where children are involved unless you don't trust each other.
We have run joint current accounts for 20 years and have savings accounts in sole names only where it is more advantages for tax reasons - I pay less tax than my partner.

Lunar_Eclipse

heretolearn wrote: »

You can tell him how much you've spent on the 'budgeted' items for running your household. What else you do with your money is none of his business

Whilst I agreed with most of the above post, I disagree with the highlighted part.

Once children are born and families are created, there is a bigger picture to be taken into consideration in terms of (financial) accountability and responsibility that goes beyond our right to do what we want with our own (individual) money. How either partner spends money can affect the other (& the kids) in numerous ways, so of course it becomes the other person's business. In a good way, you're a partnership now, raising children, forever connected.

In answer to the OP, we've always run joint finances, long before marriage and children which has always worked well for us, but it was our joint decision to do so. Whilst I think his request is reasonable on the surface, I think it should be fair (ie you have access to his account/s too) and you both need to be comfortable with what you do, regardless of what others do.

balletshoes

thunderbird wrote: »

I thought the same thing! My OH and I have had joint current and savings account ever since we have lived together (20+ years not all of them married) and can look at what each other have spent, if we so wish. I have never thought anything of it really and am amazed at how many people seem to be horrified by such a situation.

For the OP I would say the only thing that needs amending is that the savings account be in joint names. Very sad that people seem to be planning for a relationship to break up.

but for me its not about planning for a relationship break-up at all. I have my own account because I've always had my own money from my own earnings, and I don't see any reason to change this now that we're married with a child. We still discuss our total income, total expenditure etc, budget for stuff, save for stuff, together. We don't need to have all joint accounts to do this.

£450 at least per month being saved by the OP and her partner sounds pretty healthy to me, I just don't see why, since the OP's name is not on any of the partner's accounts etc, the partner feels the need to access hers?
It may be perfectly innocent and he may just want it all on a spreadsheet etc, but he seems to have misled the OP so far with what he's said about not setting the savings account up as a joint one.

pinkclouds

bluestarrz wrote: »

The problem is he wants me to register for online banking to allow him to check my account regularly and update his spreadsheets etc which I am against. He is really angry I keep putting it off, but personally don't want us looking into each others accounts and checking all spends etc, not that I'm doing anything suspicious etc I just like my money and his separate.

My parents do this. We do it the other way around. I access all the accounts and keep a spreadsheet detailing all the transactions, with a summary and pension projections, etc. HOWEVER, *we* are happy to do this. Just because we do it doesn't mean you should - *particularly* if you are unhappy about it. (In fact, tbh, I sound a trifle sad! lol)

You shouldn't keep putting off the... "discussion", though. Just tell him that you don't want to do it and that you are happy with the system you have both used for a decade. Assuming you are both financially solvent and there are no reasons beyond monitoring a centralised budget then he should rate your happiness above his spreadsheets. Some people just... really like poring over figures. Maybe you can compromise by saying that, while you don't want him to access your personal account, you would be happy for him to monitor the "shared" savings account and produce monthly reports (or whatever) for you to make appreciative noises over. Is he the sort of person who likes to balance his chequebook and keep a daily spending log? Just wondering... it's not a failing if he is.