private account in a relationship?

bloodynora

may as well stick my tuppence worth in too instead of reading and running! When I was young free and single I had my own account and ALWAYS had money because I had full and sole control of the lodgements and withdrawals. As soon as I got married I got a joint account with the hubby (no idea why, it seemed the thing to do apparently as we had mortgage etc). Note I have NEVER had control of my finances ever since that fateful day. Joint accounts are fine for couples who can trust each other to use it for the purpose it is intended, be it for household bills, mortgages etc but I HIGHLY recommend opening a separate account in your own name because i think when you marry you do lose control over money. I opened my separate account and changed my wages into it instead of the joint account and my hubby went ballistic. He was so annoyed......why? Because in the joint account he had access to all the money to use as he wished and I was left worrying that not enough was left to cover direct debits. So I decided to open my account for my stash that he could not touch. It was not for me or treats or anything like that, it was simply because if i did not try and syphon the money off and keep it safe then there would be days where I could not buy food or pay the phone bill. So yes I think you should keep money separate definitely. If you wish to save then do so in your own account and have nobody else, partner or otherwise have access to your details.

ostaragirl

January20 wrote: »

Yes, but you need to have a really solid relationship to have a joint account:

-1 of the parties could misuse the account.

-1 of the parties could empty the account and any overdraft facility on break up, and leave the other one to pay for it. The bank will always go for the easier target to recoup any money, and that might not necessarily be the guilty party.

-It can be difficult to virtually impossible to close a joint account when in trouble. There was a thread on here a few days ago where a poster found they owed money on a joint account they thought was closed.

I know I sound all full of doom and gloom, but we read so many stories on here every week! I think it would be better for the OP to sort out the savings account into a joint savings account and then to find out why her partner really wants complete access to her account before she goes down this route of joint current accounts. After all, if he refuses to put the savings account into both names....

I think you have hit the nail on the head here!, after reading this thread and your post in particular it occured to me that this was exactly my situation 10 years ago, luckily now I have that solid relationship where we trust each other with our money. I was ripped off by an ex and left to pay off his debt but it hasn't made me bitter and now I'm in a relationship with someone who saves for us and doesn't question my spending and its such a relief to know.

ostaragirl

As an afterthought I need to add that when I was in debt it was also an abusive relationship in other ways so I'm not advocating joint accounts if circumstances are that way. My situation now is that I'm with someone who is controlled by honesty and dignity.:)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds like he has heard that some women keep a running away account and he wants to check if the OP has dared to think of doing the same.


TBH, alarm bells would be ringing so loud with his anger that I'd be setting an entirely separate one up in any case and gradually putting the odd tenner here and there into it from this moment on, obtained as cashback from the supermarket so it never showed up as a cash withdrawal.

heretolearn_2

I think it IS normal and healthy to have a joint household budget and expenses and want to keep to it and monitor your financial situation. All too many stories on here of what can happen when people don't.

However it is NOT normal or healthy to be poking around in each others private affairs and bank accounts to do that.

You can tell him how much you've spent on the 'budgeted' items for running your household. What else you do with your money is none of his business and I don't think it is reasonable for him to want total access in this way. Even though he is a nice guy and has only the best and honorable intentions - which I'm sure he does and the feeling that you are refusing because you suspect he isn't is what has made him angry - it isn't what couples do if they are sensible, and respect each other's privacy.

I actually do have full on-line access to my OHs bank account for various long-winded reasons and it would be only one click of the button while I'm on there each day doing our business banking. However, I have NEVER looked in there, it is his private account and to do so would be a huge breach of trust, I think. He hasn't even asked me not to, he knows I could look if I wanted to, but I simply don't feel the slightest temptation to. I would hate someone looking at my account, so I don't do it to him. Perhaps your OH doesn't feel the same way, he wouldn't mind you seeing his accounts, so he doesn't understand why you've said no.

amyb_2

Gosh. Some really paranoid people here - either that or i am far too naive.

I've been with my BF for about 4.5 years and we both have our own current acount and i have a savings account. He has all my online passwords and me his. We also both have linked savings accounts but usually both save into my one as i 'manage' our money. All bills, everything comes out of my account as i'm the one with the regular salarly. I then take a flexiable ammount from his account when he gets paid. I don't think he has ever logged in and looked at my account tbh though.

Actually now we have the passcode generator things for our online accounts they are kept in my dairy so he can't even get in if he tried.

I can understand where your BF is coming from - where you are jointly saving torwards something is useful to look at what money is in each account surely? I don't think its anything to do with checking up on you?

As i said maybe i'm naive - but i would rather that than being bitter and suspicios. Sorry

NickyBat

Oh noooooooooooo i'm afraid he would just have to get angry, by getting angry with you he is hoping you will just back down.

I'm married, we have a joint account for everything to do with the household, bills, food mortgage etc, but we both have our own current account and our own savings account, and as much as i love and trust my hubby never in a million years would i give him access to my accounts even though we both have a rough idea of what the other has in their accounts.

At the end of the day, yes we are married and it's a partnership but that doesn't mean that either one of us needs to give up all independence or privacy (even though there is nothing to hide) to other one so that they can keep tabs on everything.

I think he is taking the control thing to another level here and frankly i would just tell him no your not doing it and let him get over it.

amyb_2

NickyBat wrote: »

I think he is taking the control thing to another level here and frankly i would just tell him no your not doing it and let him get over it.

Is he really trying to control the OP tho?

She will still have access and control of her account to?

I read it that he is being all blokey and wanting to set up spreadhseets and budgets that way (rather than most women who just spend less!)

If you don't want him to have access tell him by all means - but don't read more into it than there is.

Steel_2

The fact he wants your account log ins may be because he is using one of those software packages where you give it all of your online bank details and it automatically downloads the information from all the accounts into one place. Like Microsoft money or something.

However, that doesn't mean you have to go along with it nor made to feel guilty.

Also, personally I'd be putting the savings every month into an online savings account in my own name where you can transfer the money to his account for your share of any big expenses. With fast payments any money transfers will be there in minutes, not days.


You're not married and you have no protection if he leaves one day with your savings in his accounts. If you split up and he mis-used your account in some way, you wouldn't have much comeback with the bank because you gave out your security details to someone. Appreciate you've been together a while but life can turn on its head sometimes when you least expect it.

Hubby and I have separate accounts and always have. However, the statements are always there if one person wants to have a look. We have our financial goals which we sit down and go through once a week with all the online statements and receipts to make sure we're on track. We don't need to have the log in details for each others online accounts to do that.

I'd be giving your OH a list of d/d and the dates they go out plus an approximate figure for what you budget for others household expenses if he wants to keep track.

You don't have to be nasty about it or argue. Gentle but firm no repeated often will do it. And if he gets angry and nasty about it, or tries to bully or guilt trip you, you'll have a peak at an 'interesting' side of his personality so one day when the time comes you can see whether you do want to marry him.

How your future mate deals with a 'no' from you is very important, because it is your right to be able to say no to something without there being anger, bullying or guilt laid on you.

Hezzawithkids

bluestarrz wrote: »

Thank you all for such quick replies. I told him when he first brought up the subject I wasn't happy with it, still he went on that all couples do it and should do to keep track of money/ spending etc. That seems to be his only reason for wanting me to do it? He hasn't gave me any other reason?
x

No they don't - we have been together for 25 years (married for 20) and still have separate bank accounts & savings as well as a joint account that we both pay into for all the bills & household expenditure and a joint savings account.

Your OH sounds a bit controlling - is that his nature? My OH is the same and he can see into my online bank account if he wants but has no say over my spending!