school insisting my autistic DS wear shorts

Tyler2011

With your support I'm afraid the school cannot do any insisting that your son wear's shorts due to having parental consent about only wearing trousers as he has a mental disorder which as a result would be set off in certain cases (this being one of them). They can say "he has detention" and if you don't agree with it, they physically can't do it. Even in secondary school without mental issues a parent can write in to say they do not want their child in detention and they can't do a thing about it.

On another note, to get it sorted, I suggest you talk straight to the school governer and counsiller (if they have one) and be ready with a written letter from your GP/peadatric consultant to verify what your saying is true. They can NOT make your child wear something he doesn't want to if it goes against his disability.

As someone said before hand you can try and persuade him into wearig shorts at home first - maybe even boxer shorts to go under trousers, just so he gets used to the feeling of the material round the top part of his legs. But do not force him by any means into them because it could also make him go into a full frenzied melt down and in some cases of autism (though I'm not so sure about your son's case) it could be violent, and I suggest you say this to the school too because what's worse - having your son wear tracksuit bottoms to make him mentally comfortable or having him lash out at another child/teacher or even just withdrawing in himself even more?

Gingham_R

I'm sorry to say that your son's experience of school is similar to several autistic children whose parents I know.

It's just not acceptable. Legislation means nothing if teachers ignore it.

Addiscomber

I'm not ashamed to say that this is the first thread that I have ever read on MSE that has made me cry.

I will admit that I know next to nothing about autism but I cannot understand a school being so insensitive to a child being so disturbed about being made to wear shorts, that he cannot sleep the night before PE, and is seeking reassurance from the OP on the way to school. I doubt that any one has ever come to harm from not wearing shorts, but forcing him to wear them is harming him.

To the person who is already worrying about the poor boy's honeymoon, I would hope that if and when he finds himself having a honeymoon, his wife will love him for who and how he is, and will not force him into a situation that he feels uncomfortable in.

OP, I wish I could offer you some helpful suggestions but I cannot. I suspect that you have done the best you can by contacting the Autistic Society. (My son developed Type 1 Diabetes during Junior School. The teachers were very reluctant to have a visit from the Diabetes nurse, but I insisted. Afterwards they admitted that they had found it extremely interesting and helpful.)

I wish the best of luck to you and your son.

daisiegg

concerned43 wrote: »

This is only one example of whats causing his anxiety at school and its way more serious than a remark on homework. I am an intellegent women and know when to pick my fights and it has always been around his schooling! because if his school does not get it right he can forget about university and a career!
and although it was just a pair of shorts - it meant that my DS was so anxious he did not want to go back to school and this morning was a nightmare to get him to school - he was extemely anxious and tearful - would you want your child to be in that state going to school day after day?

All I want is for the school to support my DS, educate him according to his abilities, lesson the anxiety by learning the triggers and work on solutions - its not rocket science

• let him wear tracksuit bottoms - and the rest of the class if they want to, thus lessoning his differences.
• let him sit next to the people he feels comfortable/safe with
• write down his homework tasks for him so he can participate in that aspect of his education - currrently he does not do homework as he cannot write down the homework due to poor handwritting co-ordination
• find his strenghts and weaknesses, praise the former, work with him on the latter.
• give him time to complete work as by not doing so means he feels a failure
• give him help with interpretating a book and help writting essays etc rather than just concentrating on his reading
• when things get too much for him in case allow him some time out to calm down before joining the class again.

seriously - is it too much to ask?

I have to admit, it sounds absolutely awful, but in a mainstream school some of that IS too much to ask.

I am a secondary teacher and if I count the number of different students I teach over all my classes, it's around 250. And that's with me teaching a core subject, where I see my classes more frequently; a PE teacher for example (or music, or DT, or any other subject that has lessons less frequently), who may see one class only once a week, probably teaches double that. It takes me up until Christmas just to learn all the names of all my classes, let alone figure out who needs to sit next to someone specific and who needs their homework written down for them and what each of their individual strengths and weaknesses are.

I WANT to remember important things about each pupil...and I WANT to find every pupils' strengths and praise them, and find every pupils' weaknesses and support them to improve.......but it is not always physically possible.

I have a girl who is on the autistic spectrum in one of my Y8 classes and I can honestly say that so far I have done nothing different for her than for any other pupil. Seeking out the SENCO to find out what her specific difficulties are and what I need to be doing to support her IS on my list of things to do - but above it is planning lessons, marking, doing reports and tracking and paperwork and attending meetings and responding to parental emails and doing parents' evenings and meeting social services about the girl in my form whose mum has cancer and whose grandmother is neglecting her......unfortunately finding out whether this girl in my Y8 class needs to sit next to someone specific, or needs her homework written down for her etc - gets pushed down to the bottom of the list below all the day to day stuff that HAS to be done right now. Because visibly she is getting along ok it's never QUITE urgent enough to be done right this second - whereas the visually impaired girl I teach is always remembered because if I don't enlarge the resources for her she can't do the lesson. Perhaps if your son is putting on a 'brave face' at school and they are not seeing the distress you see at home, he too is dropping down the list.

And yet with all that I have just said, I really really do care, as I think you will find is the case for most teachers. I just have had absolutely no training at any point about autism, or supporting pupils with SEN. I teach 250 different pupils and every one of them has their own individual needs - and every parent feels just as strongly about it as you do, even if their child doesn't have a specific SEN. I want to do my best for absolutely all of my pupils and I do, to the best of my time and ability, and what you described is what every child deserves, I don't think anyone would dispute that. Most teachers I know do their best, but it is not always possible to do as much as you want to do.

I would give you some advice though, from the school's perspective:
- keep on at your SENCO. S/he really needs to be your 'voice' in school. S/he needs to make sure that your son's teachers know about his needs, and what they need to be doing on a day to day basis to help him.
- develop a good relationship with your son's form tutor. I know as a form tutor you really do care about the pupils in your form, so this might be another person who will fight for your son. I know we regularly receive emails from form tutors saying "so and so in my form is struggling with organisation, please check she is writing her homework down" or "so and so's family have fallen out with so and so's family so please make sure the two daughters don't sit together" etc... I am pleased that the girls in my form feel that they can talk to me about things, as well as their parents, and if they do I really do endeavor to be 'on their side' and talk to other teachers about their issues.
- make sure you explain very clearly and, as far as possible, unemotionally to your son's teachers what his needs are. This might be when you see them at parents' evening, or you might want to set up a meeting with his form tutor and a few key subject teachers, or you might contact the teachers directly. I know I am grateful for emails from parents, as it allows me to read carefully and respond in my own time (usually on my laptop at home at 10pm once I've finished my marking!) and I can then save the email and refer to it later to remind myself of exactly what the parent has said. This is probably better than phonecalls.
- your son needs to find someone within school that he feels comfortable talking to. Again, this person could become his advocate and communicate with teachers for him - so if you had the form tutor, the SENCO and a mentor type person on board - you'd have more avenues to get things sorted out when necessary.
- don't give up! The vocal, 'naggy' parents ARE the ones who get noticed and heard. Send as many emails as you need to, push to set up meetings, bombard the school and teachers with info. As a busy teacher, who really does want to help her pupils, I would RATHER be bombarded with the info than left to find it out myself...as I said, if it's left up to the teacher to figure out what each pupil needs it will fall to the bottom of the list. Whereas if you are told, repeatedly, and you have met x's mum lots of times and she emails you when anything is wrong - it's a constant reminder.

Sorry for such a mammoth post. I just feel strongly about this, and some of it really struck a chord with me. I went into teaching to help and support and nurture pupils - not to spend hours marking books and writing reports - but so often teachers just physically don't have the time to treat every child as the individual that they are. I hope your son gets the help and support he needs and deserves.

daisiegg

(anyone reading this and thinking 'she can't be such a busy teacher if she has time to post all that at 3pm' - I am signed off work currently with an as yet unidentified swelling in my brain...not slacking!)

daisiegg

PS just wondering OP if you can clarify the exact reasons your son doesn't want to wear the shorts - I was under the impression that it was because of the bullying from other pupils about his hairy legs (which is a very valid reason to not want to do something!)

Is that all of it or are there any other issues?

Because it seems to me if it's that, then it is a bullying issue rather than a 'disability' issue? there are people saying things like 'They can NOT make your child wear something he doesn't want to if it goes against his disability.' ...but....at the risk of sounding dense, what has it actually got to do with his 'disability' (don't really like using that word, as we've been taught not to say it!)? Isn't it more to do with the bullying?

Just asking - because I think the distinction changes the way you and the school deal with it - if it was that he doesn't want to wear shorts because of a sensory issue directly related to his autism, verified by your GP, I don't think anyone could argue that the school are right to make him wear them. If he doesn't want to wear them because he is being bullied about his hairy legs (and presumably finds the bullying really difficult to deal with because of his autism) then the school MUST deal with the teasing and bullying, surely, rather than, as others have suggested, working to find ways to make him feel comfortable wearing the shorts?

daisiegg

PS the comment you have made about him sitting with his cousin to make him feel more calm really worries me. We have a girl with fairly severe autism at our school who has a twin sister who does not have autism. When they joined in Y7, they used to always have to sit together or the girl with autism would be very distressed. However over the year the school has been working to separate them as it is really unfair on the sister and was impeding her social life, her progress and her ability to join in on things. Perhaps the school, who are impartial and can see the effect on the cousin, are trying to discourage your son using him as a support mechanism? I know in the case of our twins, the girl without autism felt a huge responsibility towards her sister, which just wasn't fair to put on a 12 year old child.

Seanymph

daisiegg what wonderful posts.

Can I just point out that the list of what you want for your child;

• let him wear tracksuit bottoms - and the rest of the class if they want to, thus lessoning his differences.
• let him sit next to the people he feels comfortable/safe with
• write down his homework tasks for him so he can participate in that aspect of his education - currrently he does not do homework as he cannot write down the homework due to poor handwritting co-ordination
• find his strenghts and weaknesses, praise the former, work with him on the latter.
• give him time to complete work as by not doing so means he feels a failure
• give him help with interpretating a book and help writting essays etc rather than just concentrating on his reading
• when things get too much for him in case allow him some time out to calm down before joining the class again.

seriously - is it too much to ask?

we all want for our children. ALL of us.

You don't have to have a special needs child for the desire for those standards to come in - but children do have to conform - all parents have to accept that their child doesn't get on with a particular staff member, or get to be streamed with their friend, or sit with someone they like - or is bullied by a particular child, or doesn't feel included, or has to wear clothing they don't like..........

It's not exclusively a disability issue - it's just a parental one.

I would think the solution would be to find a way to facilitate conforming (short wearing) alongside his peace of mind - could he choose his own shorts? Wear longer ones? Should school address the comments?

I'm not sure blank refusal to co=operate with school over something that is a universal rule for all the other pupils - and many of them will be self conscious, worry, cry, talk to their parents about their bodily insecurities .......... I've dealt with all those issues with my kids over uniform in various forms. But I didn't get to phone helplines and get back up and give them permission not to go along with the rules. I had to find a way to support them in complying.

Perhaps you could talk to school and find a compromise?

lostinrates

daisiegg wrote: »

PS just wondering OP if you can clarify the exact reasons your son doesn't want to wear the shorts - I was under the impression that it was because of the bullying from other pupils about his hairy legs (which is a very valid reason to not want to do something!)

Is that all of it or are there any other issues?

Because it seems to me if it's that, then it is a bullying issue rather than a 'disability' issue? there are people saying things like 'They can NOT make your child wear something he doesn't want to if it goes against his disability.' ...but....at the risk of sounding dense, what has it actually got to do with his 'disability' (don't really like using that word, as we've been taught not to say it!)? Isn't it more to do with the bullying?

Just asking - because I think the distinction changes the way you and the school deal with it - if it was that he doesn't want to wear shorts because of a sensory issue directly related to his autism, verified by your GP, I don't think anyone could argue that the school are right to make him wear them. If he doesn't want to wear them because he is being bullied about his hairy legs (and presumably finds the bullying really difficult to deal with because of his autism) then the school MUST deal with the teasing and bullying, surely, rather than, as others have suggested, working to find ways to make him feel comfortable wearing the shorts?

I had wondered this too. I was at a girls school, and the situation op describes was not so unusual in a group where there was no known of autism, but puberty spread over a number of years...the girls who were very early or very late developers, were often remarked on, not even in a bullying way and They felt odd and conspicuous and tbh, i think everyone in the middle when these things happened to them felt more conspicuous because it was happening to them for the first time.

gingin_2

I agree, brilliant posts Daisiegg and as a mother of a newish year 7, who feels a bit out of the loop with everything, it is very heart warming.

Hope you get better soon!