Sister's Birthday Present - mini rant

victory

Ames wrote: »

I'm still thinking about what to do.

I think that next time I speak to her I'll just say that since she didn't get me anything I'm not getting her anything. I need to spell it out as she wont understand subtlety! Then just see how it goes from there.

Does your dad know how she behaves towards you? What does he say about it?

BitterAndTwisted

Ames: If you are the glue that's keeping these relationships together please think about the personal cost to you and your elf-esteem. That's much more important than a few quid being given to a manipulative, spoiled brat with a massive sense of entitlement who knows how to exploit other people's guilt. Nothing good can come of that. Well, not for you, at least.

You could find that once you are honest about your feelings and change your behaviour others might start to sit up and take notice. And stop treating you so shabbily.

Ames

pinkshoes wrote: »

Do you have lots of friends? Do you NEED to stay in contact with your dad and sister?

I know they are "relatives", but what does that actually mean? There is no rule in life that means you HAVE to stay in contact them, even if they're mean to you!

Personally I'd just send birthday and Christmas cards, then make no other effort to contact them. Your friends can become your new family!

It depeds what you mean by friends. There's a couple of people I see a couple of times a month at book/writing club, and people I meet up with a couple of times a year. People I can depend on and confide in and talk to, or regularly meet up with, then there's no-one.

victory wrote: »

Does your dad know how she behaves towards you? What does he say about it?

He just refuses to get drawn into it. But she treats him even worse than me.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Ames: If you are the glue that's keeping these relationships together please think about the personal cost to you and your elf-esteem. That's much more important than a few quid being given to a manipulative, spoiled brat with a massive sense of entitlement who knows how to exploit other people's guilt. Nothing good can come of that. Well, not for you, at least.

You could find that once you are honest about your feelings and change your behaviour others might start to sit up and take notice. And stop treating you so shabbily.

I know what you mean about self esteem. But it's hard when you can go weeks/months without a proper conversation, especially about personal stuff. Even though I know they're not listening to me, and even though they make excuses and cut off when I'm talking about my problems, it feels as though it's better than nothing.

It's been on my mental health support plan to be more honest with dad about my health problems, but just because I say stuff doesn't mean he listens. So I guess it'll be the same with any other aspect of my life.

BitterAndTwisted

Yes, I suspect you're right. Has it occurred to you that both of them are of a piece? As in disengaged and unable to listen to you or care about what you're saying? That either they can't help or know they are unable to? That doesn't make them uncaring, just inadequate as human beings.

nearlyrich

floss2 wrote: »

In our family, the adults don't exchange presents unless it is a zero-birthday - 30 / 40 / 50 etc.

We do this too and we all join at the present so it's worth having and doesn't skint anyone. We only buy Christmas presents for adults with no children and just buy for the next generation until they are 21.

Sounds tight but we have a big family and not all can afford to spend a lot on others so it's fairer to stick to this .... we do buy cards.

Ames

Yes, that has occurred to me, especially when I was in the middle of the saga over probate for mum's estate. Neither of them could understand how the rules and laws meant that they couldn't just do what they wanted (even though as they were divorced, what dad wanted meant diddly squat).

It's annoying that even though they both think I'm a failure (I don't work, have lots of health problems etc) and are keen to make me realise it, they're not prepared to recognise the positives. Like the other day when I signed up to something that's a little bit of paid work. I phoned them both to talk about it, wanting to tell them all the details, but just got 'that's nice' then on to talking about her (sister) and ending the call (dad). Even though for years they've been going on about me not working and not trying hard enough!

Anyway, I've been referred (again) for counselling, so hopefully I can work on all these issues.

victory

I hope you do ames I really wish you all the best

Mojisola

Ames wrote: »

It's annoying that even though they both think I'm a failure (I don't work, have lots of health problems etc) and are keen to make me realise it, they're not prepared to recognise the positives. Like the other day when I signed up to something that's a little bit of paid work. I phoned them both to talk about it, wanting to tell them all the details, but just got 'that's nice' then on to talking about her (sister) and ending the call (dad). Even though for years they've been going on about me not working and not trying hard enough!

Anyway, I've been referred (again) for counselling, so hopefully I can work on all these issues.

Keep in mind that the way they're behaving is because of their problems, not yours.

Come on here and tell us about your positive news - we'll congratulate you!

Stephb1986_2

Well done on getting a job it takes an awful lot of courage to do it :-)

steph xx

BitterAndTwisted

Ames: the way to maybe work out these issues is to understand that they are theirs and not necessarily yours to be responsible for or fix. You sound a lot more well-balanced than they do to me. And kinder