Sister's Birthday Present - mini rant

[Deleted User]

I agree with all the posters here about being taken advantage of etc and taking a line.

But if i may change the parameters a little, how would you respond if you sent birthday presents every year to your god child, but never even got a card back for your own children. Would you continue with presents or just revert to a card. The child in question is primary age so hardly their fault, but I wondered. I would feel bad if I didn't send because of this and because I'm a godparent, but a cheap 29p card on my kids birthdays would be welcome.

*Louise*

Ames wrote: »

That's a really good question, and I've been asking myself that since I posted. I think, over this, I just want to have a moan. If I'm going to stand up to her (and dad, he takes her side) then it's going to be over the big stuff. Like the carp going on with sorting out mum's house, or things that are bound to happen when she moves back up here. On the other hand, standing up to her over this might stop things slipping back to how they were before, make her think twice about walking over me again.


.

IMO you need to stand up to her on the smaller things in order to prepare you for the bigger stuff. And get her used the idea that big sis isn't going o be a pushover any more


I'm tempted to go and read some of your other threads but I have a feeling they would make me more annoyed on your behalf,...:o


You do have my sympathies, I have recently woken up to the antics of my youngest sister myself and have vowed no more handouts or help until her attitude changes. Mind you, she at least sends me a birthday card....

*Louise*

Deleted_User wrote: »

But if i may change the parameters a little, how would you respond if you sent birthday presents every year to your god child, but never even got a card back for your own children. Would you continue with presents or just revert to a card. The child in question is primary age so hardly their fault, but I wondered. I would feel bad if I didn't send because of this and because I'm a godparent, but a cheap 29p card on my kids birthdays would be welcome.

I woudl still send a card so the child knows you care but not bother with gifts anymore.

Unless you get a thank you card / phone call? In which case it would be worth it as you know it's appreciated at least, but I would cut back

FatVonD

How much younger exactly is your sister, OP? Has she always been the 'baby' of the family?

I'd say 'money's a bit tight for everyone nowadays so shall we agree not to buy presents for each other any more?' and see how far into the sentence 'but I don't buy presents for you anyway' she gets before the penny drops and she trails off.

balletshoes

Deleted_User wrote: »

I agree with all the posters here about being taken advantage of etc and taking a line.

But if i may change the parameters a little, how would you respond if you sent birthday presents every year to your god child, but never even got a card back for your own children. Would you continue with presents or just revert to a card. The child in question is primary age so hardly their fault, but I wondered. I would feel bad if I didn't send because of this and because I'm a godparent, but a cheap 29p card on my kids birthdays would be welcome.

it would depend for me - are your children related to your godchild's parents? I don't give pressies/cards to any children outside of my own family (ie my siblings' kids is the limit). The only children I'm a godparent to are also my niece and nephew.

Ames

balletshoes wrote: »

Is your sister 17 years old or younger? If not, time she sorted herself out, and its not up to you to hold her hand and bale her out time and again.

Nope, add ten years and you're there.

FatVonD wrote: »

How much younger exactly is your sister, OP? Has she always been the 'baby' of the family?

I'd say 'money's a bit tight for everyone nowadays so shall we agree not to buy presents for each other any more?' and see how far into the sentence 'but I don't buy presents for you anyway' she gets before the penny drops and she trails off.

She's four years younger than me. It's a bit complicated. She was treated really badly as a kid by mum, who pretended sister was ill to get benefits. She had a horrible time, and so I think me and dad, especially dad, give in to her out of guilt.

So, it's not that she's the 'child' of the family, but that she was the one left behind to deal with all the crap.

[Deleted User]

No this child isnt a family relation, my husband is friends with her dad and subsequently we've got to know them. However this couple are divorcing, so its unlikely we'll be visiting in a family capacity anymore. And to think of it I can't recall any thank you letters. Hmmm. Maybe just a card this year then.

teasleym

Deleted_User wrote: »

I agree with all the posters here about being taken advantage of etc and taking a line.

But if i may change the parameters a little, how would you respond if you sent birthday presents every year to your god child, but never even got a card back for your own children. Would you continue with presents or just revert to a card. The child in question is primary age so hardly their fault, but I wondered. I would feel bad if I didn't send because of this and because I'm a godparent, but a cheap 29p card on my kids birthdays would be welcome.

Bailey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have had to change what I send to my 2 nieces as my brother and his wife have decided not to bother with my 2. My youngest got her birthday cards for her 1st birthday over a week late (and no present) and the eldest did not receive a birthday card at all.
We did not receive Christmas cards or presents either (although my dad says my brother has these (he delivered ours to them) - but we're still waiting!).
I have now decided that after buying presents and cards for my nieces, if my brother is not going to bother with my children, they can just have cards from us. They've never bothered to say thank you for them previously either.
You can get 10 cards for £1 in Card Factory!!!

ps. We appreciate every present/card my daughters recieve and everyone got a handmade thank you card from my daughter so they know how much she appreciates them. I've even had "thank you's" from friends and relatives for her handmade thank you cards!

BitterAndTwisted

Sorry to bump this if no-one's interested in this thread any longer.

Ames: I have a suggestion for you. Sit and have a really good think about the situation and what you want out of it. Set aside any feelings of guilt or responsibility towards your sister for the actions of other people in the past. That is gone now and enough water has flowed under that particular bridge to no longer have any relevance to what is going on today except in your mind. Your sister is old enough now to be able to take responsibility for her own life and her own decisions. You are not her mother and never will be. It is not in your power to make her life OK: that is hers.

Have a good ponder about all of the questions and demands this girl/woman is going to make in future. Use all of the information about her from your previous posts in this and prior threads. Write it all down as if it were a conversation between the two of you. Read it back until you have it all completely memorised. Use it as a script in your head and never deviate.

This might not be the only way to go about extricating yourself from her poisonous clutches. Perhaps others on this forum might have better suggestions but I would advise you that something needs to be done before she moves back to where you are. Once she's on the doorstep you will be under even more pressure to open up your very slim wallet to her.

All the best!

B&T

Oldernotwiser

Ames wrote: »

That's the problem - she does always expect to get what she wants, and usually does. Last time I said 'no' to her she said she'd taken an overdose and slit her wrists - I called an ambulance and it turned out to be a lie.



I doubt she would pick up on my meaning.



She justifies it, I think, by the fact that she's skint. A few years ago, last time she lived in Leeds, she was unemployed and I was buying her food. (I'm disabled and on income support). When it started hitting £80 a week I told her she had to cut it to £30 tops. That's when the incident above happened.

She just has absolutely no concept of other people and how her actions affect them. None at all. It wouldn't even cross her mind that not getting me a present has any bearing on me getting her one.

Whilst it's no excuse, does it ever occur to you that your sister may also have mental health issues?

That sort of behaviour really isn't normal.