Help please, am i being miserable?

pukkamum

globetraveller wrote: »

OMG! that sounds like a nightmare! A whole weekend of drinking and there will be arguments and !!!!!ing galore.
What a strange set up. I hope BIL knows this is happening and its not a surprise as I know if I did that for my OH he would be livid:) Drink from Saturday lunchtime right through to late night and then start again on Sunday. I would just give a polite refusal as you are not into drunken weekends and give a nice card and a tasteful present. What about a stripper to his house?:rotfl::rotfl:

Oh yes he knows alright, he has helped sort it out, it was my sister 39 birthday before xmas and he organised a surprise party? (another we ducked)

!!!!!! she was 39 who cares?

But then this is their attitude as if we would be crazy not to want to be part of their 'fabulous' gang (read sad 40 odd yr olds desperately trying to fill their lives with champayne and cocaine) and we should see their birthdays as the most important thing ever aaaarrrggghhhhh!

pukkamum

Jinx wrote: »

I have a lovely brother and sis in law. While my SIL understood when I had a limited budget as a single parent, bruv just did not get it, at all... Cue 3 or 4 years of being invited to skiing holidays that I had no hope of doing (not that i like the cold anyway lol). I just learned to repeat, 'I cannot afford it...' ' I cannot afford it...' 'I cannot afford it...' It is amazing how long someone can not accept what you are saying!

OP you just need to decide on the phrase you want and when she calls to ask why you are not coming you keep trotting it out until there is no further argument.

I know it's just hard, i am so fed up of her poor pukkamum, her life must be dreadful in her council house, attitude.

victory

pukkamum wrote: »

The thing is my sister may offer to pay but having been on the recieving end of this kindness before (and having her shout across a table how much wine have you had, it was one glass, don't forget i am paying for you as you can't afford it) i am not going down that road again.

Oh and they are very very patronising, i have complete self confidence with our situation and we can handle the 'remarks' but i am not willing to have my children hear their dad being patronised in this way.

What a terribly humiliating thing to say to you and so controlling of your sis, you have to ask yourself what do you get out of the relationship? You don't sound as if you get on, certainly not with your BIL so no, do not spend a penny on them , lovely card, home made if it makes you feel better and done, all social events cancelled until everyone learns how to behave

victory

pukkamum wrote: »

I know it's just hard, i am so fed up of her poor pukkamum, her life must be dreadful in her council house, attitude.

Has it always been that way? Have you always allowed her to lord it over you? Stop the hold she has of you by cutting ties for now if needs be but she needs to know that is not acceptable and you have to talk ot her about it, text, email, chat on the phone, list the reasons you cannot abide her behaviour for one more second, stand your ground and keep saying no

victory

The phrase should be 'no thank you, on that date my perfect family and I are doing such and such and we will be unable to attend, thank you for the invite but no thank you too busy having a beautiful life to pop on over and make myself skint for it';)

Mojisola

People who are happy in themselves don't treat other people badly. She may give the impression of having everything but there must be an empty place inside her otherwise she would never be so nasty to you and your husband.

Kitten_Pie

What me and my OH do if we are invited out for a party is one will go to reduce the costs and to represent the family. I grew up with this from my parents and siblings. One person would go to represent the family. Could you not go for one of the events which will keep the costs down and OH could have the children.

We have never had any 'unhelpful' comments due to this and most friends and family are happy to have one of us there. It is generally decided depending on where it is and who could get there without an additional travel card so not necessarily based on whose friend or whether we like them although this does come into it.

With regards to paying for a whole event. I am not in the position to pay for a meal for all friends and if I waited for that we would never have any birthday events. However if I arrange a house party I would supply all the alcohol and food, anything bought in addition would be a bonus. I did invite friends out on 1st Jan for OH birthday, again it was a facebook invite but took no offence from people not being able to afford to come or as was more common too hungover to attend. The meal cost £13 each including drinks and was very filling (I of course paid for OH meal not the guests). I would not have arranged an expensive meal even if I did have the money for it. If I want an expensive meal I will take OH out as a couple for a treat.

Gingernutty

It's not a wedding - it's a fully grown adult man's birthday. WTH?!!!

What a load of fuss. I'd consider it a luxury if I took my birthday off as annual leave!

That's a fortune they're asking for - I love the bit where they want £10 per guest for their party which they're throwing.

I'd say no and send a card.

If pressed, I'd have no hesitation in telling them it's a lot of fuss and nonsense for a fully grown adult who simply wants to paaaarteeeeeee and that you won't inconvenience your family by hauling them miles to a B&B (what, they can't put their own family up? They can't want you there that badly).

If they really, really, insist to the point of being obnoxious, plead poverty, work commitments, your children's new and exciting hobby (did you read that star gazing is suddenly 'in') or even that you've got a prior engagement that weekend, you've only just realised.

I don't blame you OP, this is a disgusting waste of time and money anyway, let alone on people you don't really like.

BJV

Bitter and Twisted I admire your honesty and your no messing approach.

But families can be very tricky things. What do they say God chooses your family and thank god you choose your friends.

Hectors_House

Your sister is asking too much of you and your family.

At a push (if it were me) I'd try to make it to the Sunday pub dinner but drive home afterwards.

A lot of what you see from your BIL is denial, probably brought on by fear as they see the recession starting to lap at their own doorsteps which they wouldn't have expected.

I have several friends who have 'professional' jobs (teacher, traindriver) and the recession seems to be just dawning on them.

They know I can't afford to eat out every weekend and will prioritise the small amount of extra money around towards a yearly holiday.

If your sister gets snotty when you tell her you simply can't afford it then that is her problem.