Help please, am i being miserable?

tinktinktinkerbell

maybe just do the family thing on the sunday?

tbh i think its cheeky asking for a tenner off you if they are having a party in their house, bring a bottle maybe but not asking for a tenner

oh and no i dont think you are being miserable tbh, thats my idea of hell, i would much rather just do the lunch thing on the sunday tham the pub/party/drinking thing

meritaten

I havent read all the thread - but one thing made me giggle in your post - your well to do BIL and Sis are throwing a big birthday bash and 'charging' guests £10??????????? ROFL! even in the poorest households where I live, the hosts would hang their heads in shame! guests can bring food or drink if they wish - but they dont get charged!!!!!!!!!!!!
hun - dont plan to go at all - ring them early on the big day, and say how its a shame that the kids have come down with chickenpox! you were soooooo looking forward to the weekend!

princess

I'm 50 in a few weeks. Its MY birthday. I'm the host. I have invited people out to dinner and I will pay for them. I would love to treat them to something fantastic, but I cant afford it. So they are getting a quite nice set menu - 2 courses - then back to mine for dessert, coffee and birthday cake. I don't really understand expecting people to pay for the hosts birthday celebrations. I know full well that my brother has no money, but I want him and sister in law and 3x nephews to be there. The couldnt afford £150 for an evening out, so I'm paying. Surely its only fair as its my celebration.

claire16c

The charging £10 thing is really weird.

My SIL had a big birthday party and just asked everyone to tick a box on the rsvp to say if they wanted beer wine or soft drinks, so she could buy an appropriate amount, and not end up with tons left over. She didnt ask people to put a cheque in too! And of course most people just brought drinks and bits of food anyway.

I wouldnt have a big party if i couldnt afford to buy the food and drink for it. Asking people to say bring some crisps or a small dessert or something is one thing, but £10 each??

VfM4meplse

pukkamum wrote: »

Okay i am going to bite the bullet and reply with a sorry but we just can't afford it, on the facebook event that she created (not even a proper invite!)

faerie~spangles wrote: »

Noooooooooooooooo don't do that.
Decline the invite, you do not have to give a reason.

Any wrote: »

Either withold the reason or send private message about the non affordability.
You don't need everyone to know.

Why not? The shameless invitation asking to subsidise the weekend was placed on FB after all. I think that if you were to do this, a number of other invitees might see this as a green light to decline for the same reason. These are tough times for all of us, and "we're all in it together" after all.


It depends on whether you want to embarrass her and put the final nail in the coffin of your already strained relationship. I would be very tempted.

globetraveller

OMG! that sounds like a nightmare! A whole weekend of drinking and there will be arguments and !!!!!ing galore.
What a strange set up. I hope BIL knows this is happening and its not a surprise as I know if I did that for my OH he would be livid:) Drink from Saturday lunchtime right through to late night and then start again on Sunday. I would just give a polite refusal as you are not into drunken weekends and give a nice card and a tasteful present. What about a stripper to his house?:rotfl::rotfl:

VfM4meplse

globetraveller wrote: »

I hope BIL knows this is happening and its not a surprise

He probably does if it's on FB!

sashadesade

pukkamum wrote: »

Fabulous advice everyone i am going to try the just sorry can't come, but what do i say if she asks why (and she will).

Tell her there's no freaking way you're spending hundreds of pounds just to get rubbished by a bunch of idiots, her included? I'd be telling the pair of them to get stuffed quite frankly after everything you're said here, they sound awful.

Or you could just say it's not your thing and you don't want the young kids around a bunch of p!ssed up adults.

Brighton_belle

I agree with all the advice not to go and not feel you have to justify yourself (that bit is a little harder I know). But don't then go and spend your hard earned cash on a pressie to make up for not going just because it's his '40th'. Totally unecessary - he's a grown man and you are not close.

As for your sister, as someone else has said, remember, she is not some scary headmistress; she doesn't actually have any rights to control your life or how you spend your family time.
These family dynamics can be very powerful, but you know you will get absolutely no pleasure from any of this weekend, nor will your appearance be warmly and gratefully received.

Can you practice 'we're not coming' responses outloud with yourself... I know it sounds a bit mad but it can help whenn you feel put on the spot - a firm, pleasant polite voice, 'we can't make it, we had plans togther with the kids' etc (doesn't matter if that is watching TV, you absolutely don't have to explain). I'd practice avoiding the 'can't afford' thing if you think she will offer to pay, because you still aren't going even if you won the pools tomorrow are you...you'd have a miserable time and they don't value and cherish you.

Jinx

I have a lovely brother and sis in law. While my SIL understood when I had a limited budget as a single parent, bruv just did not get it, at all... Cue 3 or 4 years of being invited to skiing holidays that I had no hope of doing (not that i like the cold anyway lol). I just learned to repeat, 'I cannot afford it...' ' I cannot afford it...' 'I cannot afford it...' It is amazing how long someone can not accept what you are saying!

OP you just need to decide on the phrase you want and when she calls to ask why you are not coming you keep trotting it out until there is no further argument.