Son's father sent to prison,what do I tell him?

brokenlily

I don't think you should lie. It may seem harmless, and done with the right intentions, ie not to hurt the child or upset him, but the truth has a way of finding you out. If you think there is any danger he will overhear discussions in the family or anywhere else, he must be told the truth, in an age appropriate way. Some posters have suggested good ways to approach this, as well as the suggested website.

It will be likely to come out when he is older, and then there could be awkward questions asked as to why he wasn't told the truth back then.

My OH's parents told a few white lies about things with the best of intentions when he and his brother were young - and then the truth came out, and OH and his brother were very upset when they found out as teenagers. His parents thought they were doing the right thing and protecting them, but it caused more bother later on when a relative decided they "needed to know" the truth after a family fall-out. You never know what may lie ahead, so the truth is the best policy, even if it's hard.

pinkclouds

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

As i mentioned earlier... Christmas was two weeks ago; so lying isn't exactly a new introduction.

Tbh, I don't agree with that either. I tell my kids who bought their gifts.

sunshinetours

pinkclouds wrote: »

Tbh, I don't agree with that either. I tell my kids who bought their gifts.

Wow hope they stay away from my kids at school - lots of the fun/magical things, all part of growing up and being kids are taken away so soon these days.

Another reason I wouldn't have said the full truth re the OP

notakid

It will be likely to come out when he is older, and then there could be awkward questions asked as to why he wasn't told the truth back then.

At Five?

Any reasonable person would understand why news like this had been withheld from a child, esp as the time spent in Prison is so little.

We expect too much of our children. Let them be children, they don't need adult worries as well.

Spirit_2

Have personal experience of this very close to home; this is how it went:

• Did not tell child of trial, sentence, small press notice
• Neighbours,school friends to young, and their parents never mentioned it

This episode was not going to enhance the small childs life one little bit. When the adult who has the record and child ever reach a stage where it is relevant and meaningful for it to be given air time it can be sorted out then.

skylight

I've thanked two posters with differing opinions as they are both right!

I don't believe in lying to kids but the little one is 5yo. I think what you tell him depends on many factors but age is primary - is he 5 nearly six, or 4 recently turned 5? A year can make a big difference at that age and kids surprisingly are very adaptable to things like this; very accepting.

It also depends on how mature you think he is for his age but also how he views his Dad. If Dad has a history of letting him down then you need to tell him the truth but if not, then fib as Dad will only be away for a short period of time. Its not just as simple as whether to tell or not.

My biggest concern would not be about telling my son, but about what happens when he is out and if he drives again - certainly not with my son - and all mitigating circumstances surrounding that (drink problem or didn't think etc).

pinkclouds

sunshinetours wrote: »

Wow hope they stay away from my kids at school - lots of the fun/magical things, all part of growing up and being kids are taken away so soon these days.

Another reason I wouldn't have said the full truth re the OP

I agree the full truth doesn't need to be told. It's enough that Daddy is away for a bit longer than usual. I just don't think a lie needs to be invented re Daddy being "at work".

Some child is going to spill the beans re Santa but it won't be me or my kids. That's not our scene. If your kids asked me directly then I'd either side-step the question or make a non-committal answer. My kids are aware of St Nicholas and various Christmas stories. But I've still told them who their gifts are from, whenever they've asked (and they do). What you tell your kids is your own business, despite my entitlement to my own opinion.

You don't need to tell the whole truth, unless asked outright, and you don't need to give an in-depth explanation, just an age appropriate one. An omission isn't the same as a lie.

sweaty_betty

I know you've said that you don't think it's a good idea to visit prison - and I completely understand why - but there's a chance that your ex might ask to see your son. Prison is a pretty lonely and scary place, even for a short time, and often prisoners keep themselves going by looking forward to visits.

Also, do you think your son will miss your ex if he doesn't see him for 2 months? It's quite a long time to a child.

Obviously it's a choice that only you can make, but the above factors might make you change your mind as time goes on - and this might make a difference to whether you tell him the truth or not.

Whatever you decide I hope that you all manage to get through the next couple of months and when he comes out you can all put it behind you.

meritaten

I wouldnt lie hun - but I would tell a VERY simplified version! as in 'Daddy has had to go away for a while - so he cant come to see you - but you can write to him and send him pictures and mummy will post them for you'.

IF he hears the truth - then you can expand a bit more.

rubytuesday

I would tell the truth in an appropriate way for the child.

You should be able to have family visits and you can get support and information from the Visitors' Centre at the Prison.

Here is also an organisation that should be able to help you.

http://www.pffs.org.uk/