Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Person_one

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I know. I was just having a small self indulgent moan, as it hurts when you try so so hard to be a good person and then someone says that!

Being a stepmother must be incredibly hard, I wouldn't do it for any man, so you have my sympathies.

I do think though that despite how other adults may act if you treat the children the same and show them that they matter to you, they will remember that (ok, they might forget briefly between the ages of 13 and 17 but forgive them for that!) and they will appreciate it when they are older and realise the position you were in.

POPPYOSCAR

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I know. I was just having a small self indulgent moan, as it hurts when you try so so hard to be a good person and then someone says that!

I think you will have to grow a thicker skin then, especially where step-children are concerned!!.There may be no pleasing some people - do not let it impact on your relationship with them.

I am also of the view that they should all be treated equally - what goes on outside of your household has no relevance on what you do IMO.

Bluemeanie_2

Person_one wrote: »

Being a stepmother must be incredibly hard, I wouldn't do it for any man, so you have my sympathies.

I do think though that despite how other adults may act if you treat the children the same and show them that they matter to you, they will remember that (ok, they might forget briefly between the ages of 13 and 17 but forgive them for that!) and they will appreciate it when they are older and realise the position you were in.

My Husband is the first man I have ever been with that already has kids. I always had a strict rule I would never ever get with a man that already had kids. Not because of the kids as individual people, just because of some of the problems/situation that occur like what I am experiencing now.

I was dating a bloke for about 6 months when I found out he was cheating on me. I went into town the next evening with my friends just to let my hair down and get over it. And was approached by my husband. I told him to go away lol. But he persevered. When he told me he had kids, I thought, that's ok, I'll just date him a few weeks as a rebound and then it will fizzle out.

Lest it never did fizzle out! We get on brilliantly, the only time we ever argue is over the "wider issues" and trying to keep everyone happy etc. Sometimes I do think is more hassle than it is worth, and if I could turn the clock back, despite the judgement I may get from other posters I might not have got involved with him from the start.

Occasionally, an impasse is reached, like with which situation is fair as regard to presents and days out and holidays etc. And everyone has a different opinion so depending on who I discuss it with my opinion changes/differs. I have no first hand experience or close friends who had separated parents so it makes it even more difficult for me to see.

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

Being a stepmother must be incredibly hard, I wouldn't do it for any man, so you have my sympathies.

I do think though that despite how other adults may act if you treat the children the same and show them that they matter to you, they will remember that (ok, they might forget briefly between the ages of 13 and 17 but forgive them for that!) and they will appreciate it when they are older and realise the position you were in.

Yes it can be very difficult at times but so rewarding. I now have 'step' grandchildren and I am no different to them than their other 'nannies' I could not love them any more if I tried!! They are huge part of my life.

POPPYOSCAR

Bluemeanie wrote: »

My Husband is the first man I have ever been with that already has kids. I always had a strict rule I would never ever get with a man that already had kids. Not because of the kids as individual people, just because of some of the problems/situation that occur like what I am experiencing now.

I was dating a bloke for about 6 months when I found out he was cheating on me. I went into town the next evening with my friends just to let my hair down and get over it. And was approached by my husband. I told him to go away lol. But he persevered. When he told me he had kids, I thought, that's ok, I'll just date him a few weeks as a rebound and then it will fizzle out.

Lest it never did fizzle out! We get on brilliantly, the only time we ever argue is over the "wider issues" and trying to keep everyone happy etc. Sometimes I do think is more hassle than it is worth, and if I could turn the clock back, despite the judgement I may get from other posters I might not have got involved with him from the start.

Occasionally, an impasse is reached, like with which situation is fair as regard to presents and days out and holidays etc. And everyone has a different opinion so depending on who I discuss it with my opinion changes/differs. I have no first hand experience or close friends who had separated parents so it makes it even more difficult for me to see.

You may well find that you may have very similar issues with your own children. My OH and I often disagree about our own and I would say that our only 'arguments' are caused by our children!!

peachyprice

Bluemeanie wrote: »

So I do take the points about how I shouldn't worry what other people buy them etc and to a certain extent I agree. Howver my conflict is always, well if Hubby should treat all 3 kids the same, he has to spend the £100 on each of them, so then technically my child hasn't had anything off me if that makes sense.

But surely the gifts to all the children are from both of you. You can't give your step children gift just from their dad and your own child gifts from both of you :eek: That's really not how it works.

rachbc

I have utter admiration for how concerned you are to make it fair and I'm sure plenty of us would wish such good stepmums for our kids - it is a balancing act that I don't envy. However don't get too bogged down in anything that goes on outside your home - treat them fairly in your family and try and forget everything else that yo are out of control of

pinkclouds

peachyprice wrote: »

But surely the gifts to all the children are from both of you. You can't give your step children gift just from their dad and your own child gifts from both of you :eek: That's really not how it works.

Well, yes. But it's complicated by the separate finances thing. (One of many reasons why I prefer joint finances.) Presumably they are keeping tabs on which accounts the money comes from and thus the headache (and heartache) here.

FBaby

M partner and I have separate finances. I buy my kids' Christmas presents on behalf of both, he buys his mum and sister's. We however do separate birthday presents. I just realised today that's what we've been doing, it just happened, wasn't the result of a discussion, but it makes sense and works for us.

peachyprice

pinkclouds wrote: »

Well, yes. But it's complicated by the separate finances thing. (One of many reasons why I prefer joint finances.) Presumably they are keeping tabs on which accounts the money comes from and thus the headache (and heartache) here.

It shouldn't be complicated by separate finances at all. If you want to keep everhting separate you agree between you to spend £x on the children and pay half each, I can't see why it would be any other way, or are you saying you would only pay for your own childs present?