Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

KxMx

Those of us who have had the misfortune to play unhappy step families realise we need to be realistic about future situations.

For some, including myself, that means not getting serious with anyone who already has kids.

I realise how limiting that is these days but that's the wayI want to live my life and I don't really care what people think.

Bluemeanie_2

KxMx wrote: »

Those of us who have had the misfortune to play unhappy step families realise we need to be realistic about future situations.

For some, including myself, that means not getting serious with anyone who already has kids.

I realise how limiting that is these days but that's the wayI want to live my life and I don't really care what people think.

Agreed. This is how I feel now. Fingers burned and all that.

Edwardia

My bro is getting remarried this summer. He has own house where he lives with fiancee, his eldest daughter (broke up with bf), middle daughter during long school vacations and at least part of the week fiancee's daughters. His fiancee and her ex husband are very much on same page about treating all five girls equally (similar ages very close treat soon to be step sisters like sisters)

Brother's ex wife refused to move out of the marital home and because she had youngest living with her she got an interest in the house above 50%. His ex remarried and they sold the house, didn't hand over the money she was supposed to, to my bro.

In the new house my bro's ex's new husband moved in his two young sons from previous marriage and has now more or less told my brother's youngest daughter to move out.

My bro takes all five girls on holiday, with him. His ex wife and her new husband never take any her daughters on holiday, only his boys.

Bro's three daughters get doted on by both sets of grandparents but the new husband doesn't like his wife (their mother) spending her own money on her daughters (she works) and mkes life really awkward.

So I think adults should put the kids first because otherwise when the kids are old enough to realise, it will bite them in the behind !

sharrison778

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Agreed. This is how I feel now. Fingers burned and all that.

As much as I love my partner, in hindsight had I known how difficult dealing with his kids would be, I might not have gone into the relationship.

I dont think being a divorced couples/blended family is easy for anyone. Its tough for all parties involved. From my personal observations and experience, the difference is that mothers and fathers often get sympathy from outsiders - where as when you are the stepmother, its like you're not allowed to complain that its hard.

OH and I dont have children yet but when we do, I anticipate it will be hard to treat his kids from a past relationship exactly the same as my own - because they're not. Maybe some people are able to do it (and my hat goes off to them) but I know I will struggle with it and probably always quietly back my own child first.

Seanymph

After two relationships where I poured myself into other peoples children and then never saw them (or the gifts and things) again when we seperated not to mention the angst I went through I too had sworn off men with children.

My OH had kids, but no ex (she had died) - and eventually he brought me around - but I don't blame you in the slightest, it's a minefield and being a step mum is horrendously difficult.

[Deleted User]

Sorry for resurrecting this older thread but...

I've been the child from the first marriage who visited the Dad & stepmother, and also been the elder resident stepchild for my Mum & stefather, with new siblings on both sides.

When my younger half-siblings were treated more generously or favourably than me and my genetic full sister it HURT, seriously memorably and deeply HURT.

Even in my young adulthood, when I received a £10 voucher and my younger brother got a games console (£200+) it hurt.

Not because of the money issue per se but because of what it means, signifies & symbolises - to a child it simply means "we don't care about you as much"

I have stepsons abroad, and no children of my own (unless we adopt) and I am always reminding my hubby to stay in touch & I send them letters & gifts as I know how it sometimes feels..

System

£100 each

This coming from a child of divorce. Tbh i would much have preferred to have had two parents together who loved each other, as opposed to extra presents and 2 parents who to this day hate each other. And i also have nothing to do with my bio dad anymore.

emsaint

£100 each.

I have a 16 year old step daughter and a 7 month old son, i don't wish to treat them any differently. As i see it, i married her dad for life and therefore i have a responsibility to treat her as i would my own child. We set up savings accounts for both of them and both get the same amount monthly. My mum & step dad buy both equal presents as she is part of my family.

I know my son is only 7 mths old and doesn't wish for much but he will in the future. The spending between them may differ when she gets to adulthood but now, she would get extra money spent on her as she wishes to go to college and then uni and i'm not going to begrudge her this as she is not my biological child.

Does it bother me at Christmas when she gets an ipod touch, blackberry phone etc from her mum for just xmas? Yes and no, yes because i feel her mum likes to play her presents off against ours but no as she's a lovely girl who is a credit to her parents and is far from a spoilt brat.

I know i'm like this as my biological father spends stupid amounts on his step kids and forgets birthday and christmas for his children and only grandchild.

daska

I try to treat my children (including my stepchildren) pretty equally but... DS1's dad and stepmum are blatantly unfair, buying their child a playstation and giving DS1 £80. DS1 was didn't mention it until Easter but he's obviously gutted as he knows his dad could easily have afforded to give them equivalent amounts. I think this Xmas was the final nail in the coffin for any chance of a relationship based on respect rather than opportunity. (schools here are dire but by living at his dad's he can go to one of the best in the country)

Person_one

This is an old thread in case anybody hasn't noticed. The original OP has separated from her husband over this issue so probably doesn't need our advice anymore!