Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Bluemeanie_2

Hello,

I like to think of myself as a "seasoned debater". Therefore I just cannot make my mind up, which situation is fair. I can see all the arguments, from every angle, so have a degree of sympathy for all sides. So I need your help with this one!

Let's use £100 as the figure to make it easier.

If you had a stepchild, and you and your husband normally spent £100 a Christmas on them, then you had your own child together. Which do you think is fair?

spend £100 on your child together or
based on the fact, the stepchildren get £100 off you, then £100 of their Mum, (albeit not through choice, just circumstances), spend £200 on your child together

I really can't make up my mind which is fair!

Honest opinions welcome

balletshoes

£100 spent on each child is fair. what the stepchild gets from their other parent/other side of their family is not really relevant I don't think, and shouldn't come into the equation.

I don't think its fair that 2 children born to the same father (for example) get different amounts spent on them for birthdays or christmas from that parent. it should be similar amounts.

in your example, would the stepchild (ie child of your partner, but not you) get the same spent on them from your side of the family (ie your parents, your siblings etc) as your own child?

Lotus-eater

Yep, £100 each, luck of the draw. Some kids get both parents living together, but less presents and some the opposite.

Lara44

It is difficult..... My instinct is to disagree with Balletshoes, and to think about presents as a total jointly spent on both child and stepchild by their parents.

But then, giving them half on Christmas day is going to look a bit mean? I wouldn't want the child to think you didn't care as much. But then I don't think you have to spend exactly the same money on each child at Christmas. I remember my sister getting a bike when my family were skint - and that was for her birthday and Christmas. We didn't mind.

megc_2

I agree with balletshoes- especially if the children both live with you (you didn't state this in your post so we don't know). If both children live in the same home then you cannot single one out as favourite (ie. your own) by spending more on that child than the other. I guess if they live in different homes, then it's a different matter, but it sounds as if the reason you're asking is because they do both live with you. But as balletshoes says, what the stepchild gets from the other side of the family is irrelevent as this may not always be forthcoming and children (both those receiving and observing) are well aware of gifts that are trying to buy their love etc without the committment of day to day caring for them.

Bluemeanie_2

balletshoes wrote: »

£100 spent on each child is fair. what the stepchild gets from their other parent/other side of their family is not really relevant I don't think, and shouldn't come into the equation.

I don't think its fair that 2 children born to the same father (for example) get different amounts spent on them for birthdays or christmas. it should be similar amounts.

in your example, would the stepchild (ie child of your partner, but not you) get the same spent on them from your side of the family (ie your parents, your siblings etc) as your own child?

Hello, this is why I can't make my mind up, because technically both the children would be getting the same amount from their Father. £100, then £100 effectively from the Mother, if that makes sense.

in your example, would the stepchild (ie child of your partner, but not you) get the same spent on them from your side of the family (ie your parents, your siblings etc) as your own child?

If this situation occured with me, then yes. My parents would treat both equally, however, the stepchild would effectively get four sets of presents and my child would only get two.

This is why I am finding this so difficult to make a decision, as I understand and find some ground with what your saying, but then look at the flip side and think well that's not fair either grrrrr! So hard.

Bluemeanie_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Yep, £100 each, luck of the draw. Some kids get both parents living together, but less presents and some the opposite.

That's the side I am erring on, along with Balletshoes point. Same for all.

Bluemeanie_2

megc wrote: »

I agree with balletshoes- especially if the children both live with you (you didn't state this in your post so we don't know). If both children live in the same home then you cannot single one out as favourite (ie. your own) by spending more on that child than the other. I guess if they live in different homes, then it's a different matter, but it sounds as if the reason you're asking is because they do both live with you. But as balletshoes says, what the stepchild gets from the other side of the family is irrelevent as this may not always be forthcoming and children (both those receiving and observing) are well aware of gifts that are trying to buy their love etc without the committment of day to day caring for them.

No this would be the difficult thing, the step children would not live with us two nights a week. So our child together would have to hear about all the extra stuff they got off their mum and tepdad.

Lotus-eater

Bluemeanie wrote: »

That's the side I am erring on, along with Balletshoes point. Same for all.

If my kids complained about someone getting twice as many presents as them (which may have happened, they complain about a few bits of unfairness) I would point out which would they prefer, twice the presents and their parents divorced, or what they have now.
I'm not saying to say that to your son, obviously it's the wrong place. But that's the idea you have to get over if there is a problem.

But surely the DSS will get his Mums presents as her house, so your child wouldn't see him get them anyway?

Bluemeanie_2

Lara44 wrote: »

It is difficult..... My instinct is to disagree with Balletshoes, and to think about presents as a total jointly spent on both child and stepchild by their parents.

But then, giving them half on Christmas day is going to look a bit mean? I wouldn't want the child to think you didn't care as much. But then I don't think you have to spend exactly the same money on each child at Christmas. I remember my sister getting a bike when my family were skint - and that was for her birthday and Christmas. We didn't mind.

But then, giving them half on Christmas day is going to look a bit mean?

Point completely noted, however the child together would have to hear about all the extra stuff they got off their Mum and Stepdad?

Still on the fence!

balletshoes

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Hello, this is why I can't make my mind up, because technically both the children would be getting the same amount from their Father. £100, then £100 effectively from the Mother, if that makes sense.

in your example, would the stepchild (ie child of your partner, but not you) get the same spent on them from your side of the family (ie your parents, your siblings etc) as your own child?

If this situation occured with me, then yes. My parents would treat both equally, however, the stepchild would effectively get four sets of presents and my child would only get two.

This is why I am finding this so difficult to make a decision, as I understand and find some ground with what your saying, but then look at the flip side and think well that's not fair either grrrrr! So hard.

would you do that though? I mean, would you say "this pressie is from Mum and Dad" or would you spell out that "half is from Dad, and half from Mum"?? so that it seems fair to both children? and what happens if, as has been mentioned above, the stepchild's other family give them the equivalent of £200 (or more) to your £100? what do you do then if you want to keep things fair? how far do you take it?