Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

FBaby

Lotus-eater wrote: »

If my kids complained about someone getting twice as many presents as them (which may have happened, they complain about a few bits of unfairness) I would point out which would they prefer, twice the presents and their parents divorced, or what they have now.
I'm not saying to say that to your son, obviously it's the wrong place. But that's the idea you have to get over if there is a problem.

But surely the DSS will get his Mums presents as her house, so your child wouldn't see him get them anyway?

#

I totally agree with this response. Fairness is not about a specific number of presents or the exact same money being spent. I abhore the idea that children should always get the exact materialist things. Of course I try not to make a big difference between my kids, but I decide what to get them on the basis of needs/desire and most importantly what we can afford. I buy all clothing on sale, so sometimes I will buy for one, and the other time for the other, and it might very well be possible that at the end of the year, if you count it all, one might have a bit more than the other. What I do definitely give equally (or certainly aspire to), is love and attention. My kids have never expressed any jealousy whatsoever for each other, on the opposite.

Re. step children, i think it is a total falicy to aspire to equality because it just isn't there. One child will live with both parents, and for most kids, no amount of presents/money will make up for it. Similarly, even if you want to be fair amongst the parents, so that each child receives as a whole similarly the same number of presents/same amount, you have all the external family/friends to take into account. And what happens when grand-parents, die, do you up or lower the amount accordingly.

My kids have step-children, and who knows who gets more, they don't compare. They have a family life they share together, and another family life with their other parent. My kids are probably enjoying a slightly more luxurious life but then their step-sisters get the joy of a baby sister.

And of course, that's not taking into consideration the difference in age, because spending as much on a 2 year old compared to a 14 year old doesn't make sense to me.

Bluemeanie_2

I am struggling to find a fair balance with several things with regard to being a step parent. We have Husbands kids two nights a week and are hoping for our own soon, so while these questions are hypothetical at the moment hoping soon they will be come reality. I just can't find some happy ground on how to balance everyone's interests and be fair to them all!

Bluemeanie_2

Caroline73 wrote: »

My husband and I have a son together who is 6 and I have a 13 year old son from a previous relationship.

We have had this dilemma but have opted to try to spend roughly the same amount. This year DS1 came home from his fathers at Christmas with an iPad and presents.

My husband and I now work on the principle that we should treat the children equally. Presents they receive from elsewhere are not controlled by us so we can only control what we do.

We had a similar dilemma with going on days out. If we went out to the beach, for example, on a day DS1 was at his Dads he would miss out, but why should we not do something because he wasn't there? We could miss out on good weather.

It's not caused a problem for us although we did consider the options. I don't think there is a right answer but our solution has worked for our family.

I just don't know how we are going to get around this as well. Same as holidays! My child wouldn't get to go, when the stepkids Mum took them away, but if I took my kid away with my Mum, would it be fair not to take them? (husband staying at home)

Just don't know how to balance it out!

peachyprice

We have my 2 boys from my first marriage and our own DD. They all get exactly the same spent on them for christmas and birthdays (well roughly within £20 or so). Whatever my boys get from their dad and his family is none of our concern, it hasn't even entered my DD's head that they get twice as much as her and why should it. I wouldn't dream of spending more on our DD just because my sons have two homes.

As for days out, if the boys didn't want to come we would go anyway, with 50/50 care the situation has never arisen whereby we have set days or weekends, it certainly makes life a whole heap easier.

Wickedkitten

If i had a stepchild, I would treat them the exact same as my own son. If the other parent and their partner wants to get the kid the moon on a stic, that's their shout but I would want hypothetical stepchild to know that I don't see him as being any less.

I think a large part of that stems from having a half brother from my Dad that I have no relationship with now because of the way that my mum always made him feel like he didn't belong that putting up with him was an effort.

Bluemeanie_2

peachyprice wrote: »

We have my 2 boys from my first marriage and our own DD. They all get exactly the same spent on them for christmas and birthdays. Whatever my boys get from their dad and his family is none of our concern, it hasn't even entered my DD's head that they get twice as much as her and why should it. I wouldn't dream of spending more on our DD just because my sons have two homes.

As for days our, if the boys didn't want to come we would go anyway, with 50/50 care the situation has never arisen whereby we have set days or weekends, it certainly makes life a whole heap easier.

It probably wouldn't enter our child's head either. Maybe I am worrying too much. I just like to keep everyone happy. Also, without being sanctimonious or judgmental, I am not from a split up household, so all this kind of thing is a bit new to us both!

Ladyshopper

It is very difficult for all involved, and I accept that. However, I think it awful to treat your own children so so differently to your step child, and that is what my ex-husband does. This goes way beyond crappy Christmas and birthday presents, but about the way they are treated when they are there. I could go on and on about it, but I won't as it will turn into a rant!

A few examples, and some are so petty its untrue, but try and understand from a childs point of view, who come asking me why they are treated like that:

Stepchild calls my childrens Father "Dad". This is despite the fact his own Dad is alive and well and he sees him.

At weekends when my children are there, they are only allowed sandwiches for lunch, followed by a bag of crisps (and then its only the one that stepson doesn't like!). Their Dad thinks its "weird" that I give them a cooked lunch (and we're talking beans on toast or similar, not the full works) despite the fact he himself will have beans on toast, and stepson will be allowed pot noodles. They are not allowed pot noodles because they don't live there!

They go to a family gathering once a year, which is held by their step granparents. I think its really nice that they get on with these grandparents, and they call them that. At the party, they are told by their Dad that they are not allowed to drink J20's. This is despite the fact it is common knowledge that the grandparents stock up on these particularly for all the kids there. Stepson, however, is allowed to drink the J20's.

Their Father will frequently phone them up from the cinema, telling them what he is doing, and the fact he is with stepson. He went one better than this last year and did the same from Alton Towers, telling them what a fantastic time he was having, never having taken them anywhere like that.

I know to some reading the above may not sound much. This is only a very small selection of examples, and there are others that I'd rather not go into. However, the examples are constant, happen every time they are there, and all go towards making the children feel like they are basically not wanted there, and their Father is basically doing his "duty" because he is obliged. They certainly are well aware at the age of 13 and 14 that they don't come top of their Fathers priorities, in fact they come well below his partner, the stepson, himself, and his partners family. How sad that they should be made to feel like that, and even worse accept it.

There is no perfect answer, it must be very difficult. I have a good friend who has remarried, has 3 children of her own and 2 stepchildren, and she does a fantastic job of being as fair as possible to al involved. I look at the way she acts towards them, and the obvious love and affection she has for her children, then look at the way mine are treated, and can't help but make comparisons.

People may think I'm an evil bitter and twisted ex. I'm not, but I do get angry and frustrated on behalf of the children that they're treated second best time and time again.

peachyprice

What a pr!ck he is Ladyshopper, no wonder he's your ex.

Person_one

Wickedkitten wrote: »

If i had a stepchild, I would treat them the exact same as my own son. If the other parent and their partner wants to get the kid the moon on a stic, that's their shout but I would want hypothetical stepchild to know that I don't see him as being any less.

Absolutely agree, you treat them the same because you want to show that you value them equally.

Doesn't remotely matter what anybody else does.

Bluemeanie_2

Ladyshopper wrote: »

It is very difficult for all involved, and I accept that. However, I think it awful to treat your own children so so differently to your step child, and that is what my ex-husband does. This goes way beyond crappy Christmas and birthday presents, but about the way they are treated when they are there. I could go on and on about it, but I won't as it will turn into a rant!

A few examples, and some are so petty its untrue, but try and understand from a childs point of view, who come asking me why they are treated like that:

Stepchild calls my childrens Father "Dad". This is despite the fact his own Dad is alive and well and he sees him.

At weekends when my children are there, they are only allowed sandwiches for lunch, followed by a bag of crisps (and then its only the one that stepson doesn't like!). Their Dad thinks its "weird" that I give them a cooked lunch (and we're talking beans on toast or similar, not the full works) despite the fact he himself will have beans on toast, and stepson will be allowed pot noodles. They are not allowed pot noodles because they don't live there!

They go to a family gathering once a year, which is held by their step granparents. I think its really nice that they get on with these grandparents, and they call them that. At the party, they are told by their Dad that they are not allowed to drink J20's. This is despite the fact it is common knowledge that the grandparents stock up on these particularly for all the kids there. Stepson, however, is allowed to drink the J20's.

Their Father will frequently phone them up from the cinema, telling them what he is doing, and the fact he is with stepson. He went one better than this last year and did the same from Alton Towers, telling them what a fantastic time he was having, never having taken them anywhere like that.

I know to some reading the above may not sound much. This is only a very small selection of examples, and there are others that I'd rather not go into. However, the examples are constant, happen every time they are there, and all go towards making the children feel like they are basically not wanted there, and their Father is basically doing his "duty" because he is obliged. They certainly are well aware at the age of 13 and 14 that they don't come top of their Fathers priorities, in fact they come well below his partner, the stepson, himself, and his partners family. How sad that they should be made to feel like that, and even worse accept it.

There is no perfect answer, it must be very difficult. I have a good friend who has remarried, has 3 children of her own and 2 stepchildren, and she does a fantastic job of being as fair as possible to al involved. I look at the way she acts towards them, and the obvious love and affection she has for her children, then look at the way mine are treated, and can't help but make comparisons.

People may think I'm an evil bitter and twisted ex. I'm not, but I do get angry and frustrated on behalf of the children that they're treated second best time and time again.

It sounds like very bizarre behaviour to me! Not normal to be honest! Not allowed to drink J20's is just odd!
Out of interest, now your children are teenagers and have some element of choice, why do they keep seeing him frequently even though he treats them this way?

Hubby and I are so sensitive to treating them all equally when the time comes. I already had a 3 bed house when I met him (he had a two bed flat) so they each have their own room, done out all nice. We are super overpaying so we can move to a four bed so when a baby comes along and it gets to big for our room, they don't feel pushed out by having to share. Even though this happens in many families where all the kids belong to same parents! And they only stay two nights a week, I still wouldn't invade their space.