Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

FatVonD

I disagree with the others, my situation is slightly different to yours (in that DH and I don't have kids together and his don't live with us) but, while I make sure they all have a similar number/value of presents on the years the stepkids are opening them at the same time as DS I do also buy him something extra (not necessarily given on Christmas Day) to compensate for the fact that they go home to more presents from their extended family on their mum's side (aunts, uncles plus their mum's new husband's family) while my own DS only has me (I'm an only child and his dad is Moslem.)

balletshoes

Bluemeanie wrote: »

But then, giving them half on Christmas day is going to look a bit mean?

Point completely noted,
however the child together would have to hear about all the extra stuff they got off their Mum and Stepdad?

Still on the fence!

thats going to happen anyway - whether its coming from a stepchild, or a best friend, or a classmate.

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

I disagree with the others, my situation is slightly different to yours (in that DH and I don't have kids together and his don't live with us) but, while I make sure they all have a similar number/value of presents on the years the stepkids are opening them at the same time as DS I do also buy him something extra (not necessarily given on Christmas Day) to compensate for the fact that they go home to more presents from their extended family on their mum's side (aunts, uncles plus their mum's new husband's family) while my own DS only has me (I'm an only child and his dad is Moslem.)

This seems a good compromise. Both get the same on Christmas Day. Both get some extras at another time.

Caroline73_2

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Hello,

I like to think of myself as a "seasoned debater". Therefore I just cannot make my mind up, whuich situation is fair. I can see all the arguments, from every angle, so have a degree of sympathy for all sides. So I need your help with this one!

Let's use £100 as the figure to make it easier.

If you had a stepchild, and you and your husband normally spent £100 a Christmas on them, then you had your own child together. Which do you think is fair?

spend £100 on your child together or
based on the fact, the stepchildren get £100 off you, then £100 of their Mum, (albeit not through choice, just circumstances), spend £200 on your child together

I really can't make up my mind which is fair!

Honest opinions welcome

My husband and I have a son together who is 6 and I have a 13 year old son from a previous relationship.

We have had this dilemma but have opted to try to spend roughly the same amount. This year DS1 came home from his fathers at Christmas with an iPad and presents.

My husband and I now work on the principle that we should treat the children equally. Presents they receive from elsewhere are not controlled by us so we can only control what we do.

We had a similar dilemma with going on days out. If we went out to the beach, for example, on a day DS1 was at his Dads he would miss out, but why should we not do something because he wasn't there? We could miss out on good weather.

It's not caused a problem for us although we did consider the options. I don't think there is a right answer but our solution has worked for our family.

rachbc

my son gets the same as my daughter - I see no reason why one of them having a father who lives with us and one who doesn't should make any difference whatsoever. Sure my son gets more gifts overall as he has 4 sets of grandparents/ step grandparents - I'm just glad he has been accepted and welcomed into both lots of extended families.

Ladyshopper

Oh, I'm following you round Bluemeanie!!

In my childrens case this Christmas, their Dad and his partner got the stepson a playstation 3, whilst my DS got 2 tops, neither of which fitted, maximum value of £25, and my DD got a CD and a DVD.

Fair? I think not.

Does this happen every year? Yes

Do I think the bloke is a moron who gives no thought to how it makes his own children feel? Yes I do!

Bluemeanie_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I disagree with the others, my situation is slightly different to yours (in that DH and I don't have kids together and his don't live with us) but, while I make sure they all have a similar number/value of presents on the years the stepkids are opening them at the same time as DS I do also buy him something extra (not necessarily given on Christmas Day) to compensate for the fact that they go home to more presents from their extended family on their mum's side (aunts, uncles plus their mum's new husband's family) while my own DS only has me (I'm an only child and his dad is Moslem.)

This is why I can't make up my mind. Accepting the point the step child does not have their parents together anymore, this is the bit I agree with. As the step child effectively has 4 sets of grandparents and the child together only has two.

But then I totally understand what Balletshoes is saying, about how far do you take it???

Bluemeanie_2

Ladyshopper wrote: »

Oh, I'm following you round Bluemeanie!!

In my childrens case this Christmas, their Dad and his partner got the stepson a playstation 3, whilst my DS got 2 tops, neither of which fitted, maximum value of £25, and my DD got a CD and a DVD.

Fair? I think not.

Does this happen every year? Yes

Do I think the bloke is a moron who gives no thought to how it makes his own children feel? Yes I do!

Lol! My Husband is the complete opposite. We worry too much on how we are going to treat all the children fairly and keep it balanced.

barbiedoll

Yes, like FatVonD, we spend more on our DS as he only has a small family on our side, DSD has numerous aunties, uncles, cousins etc etc, plus grandparents, all of whom buy her gifts.

Plus, she's been skiving off school so she was told that she wouldn't be getting one particular present this year (refurbished laptop). If DS misbehaves, he loses out on presents too, they both get treated the same in that respect!

They open their presents at their respective homes on the day but DS did look quite envious at DSD's huge pile of presents when we were at her house on Christmas Eve. To be fair though, her mum always gets him a small present, as does her grandma. I tell him that he's lucky that we all get on so well, and that he can see his sister whenever he likes, there's more to life than loads of gifts at Christmas.

74jax

I'm not sure you can equate it to pounds spent.

My ex could have purchased a Playbook for example for DD at £399 or could have purchased it for £169.

A very :money: parent could make £100 go a very long way, whereas a parent who isn't as savy might only get a couple of things.

My DD gets presents obviously from myself and my OH and then goes to her Dad's and receives presents from her dad and stepmum. I don't have any other kids by my DD's Dad does - another DD and DS. I don't know if they spend exactly the same on all 3 kids, but it's relatively the same and step-mum's family also buy for my DD.

I don't think my DD's brother and sister have queried that DD gets presents off me too.

If I had another child, I wouldn't give that child more to compensate for DD getting more presents at her dads.