Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Roughly the same for both. Possibly a little more on the child at home, but a difference of say, £30, not £100. Not double the amount.

DD2 had to sit with a measly £20 of presents to open Christmas 2010 as her stepbrother opened up a radio controlled helicopter, XBox 360, clothes, CDs, DVDs, a watch, tons. Because his father isn't in the country, so he doesn't get anything from him. But DD gets presents from me.

Yes. Ones that I pay for. So she watched, knowing that her father chucked a score in the general direction of his girlfriend to get DD something. Especially as most the stuff her SB got was things she had specifically said she had wanted; they had taken her list and used it to buy things for the lad instead.


OK, so she got presents here, too. But I still don't think it was fair she was penalised for having a parent who already got her presents.


BTW: Most older kids I know who are in blended families point out to others who have said 'how sad, your Mum and Dad aren't together' that it's not so bad when you get double Christmas presents, and when said 'It's not fair, you get double Christmas presents' that would the complainer like to have their parents split up. I think that shows a pragmatic approach that makes it pretty clear they are very aware of the balance parents should reach.

Ladyshopper

Bluemeanie wrote: »

It sounds like very bizarre behaviour to me! Not normal to be honest! Not allowed to drink J20's is just odd!
Out of interest, now your children are teenagers and have some element of choice, why do they keep seeing him frequently even though he treats them this way?

Hubby and I are so sensitive to treating them all equally when the time comes. I already had a 3 bed house when I met him (he had a two bed flat) so they each have their own room, done out all nice. We are super overpaying so we can move to a four bed so when a baby comes along and it gets to big for our room, they don't feel pushed out by having to share. Even though this happens in many families where all the kids belong to same parents! And they only stay two nights a week, I still wouldn't invade their space.

The weekends he has them I work 11 hour shifts. At 14 and 13 I don't think they're old enough to stay on their own for that length of time. Give it another year and I'll probably think differently.

They do know they don't have to go, and there have been times in the past when they've chosen not to. Its difficult, because my childcare really comes down to my (ex) inlaws, who luckily I get on very very well with, but it does put them in an awkward postion having to ask them, knowing they're supposed to be going to their Father's.

They love their Dad to bits despite the bizarre way he treats them, but they are also not blind to it any more like they were when they were younger. I've already said that in a year or so, they can choose whether they want to go or not, and before that time, if they don't want to, they don't have to but they know that means a trip to Nannies (that sounds like they think thats a bad thing, they don't!).

Much as my ex seems to be quite jealous of the relationship I have with the inlaws, it is actually because of that I don't rock the boat with him as much as I would otherwise. They are fantastic at having the kids for me whenever needed, and do a lot for me, and I don't want to jeopardise that relationship by getting into a stand off with him. Its also one of the reasons I never really pushed the maintenance thing (as per my other thread!) before. My Mum lives 300 miles away, and she is my only family, so without my inlaws in my life I would have been very stuck.

Ladyshopper

peachyprice wrote: »

What a pr!ck he is Ladyshopper, no wonder he's your ex.

Think you've hit the nail on the head there!! And yet when they were babies (he left when they were 3 and 2) he couldn't do enough for them, and was a proper hands on Dad doing his full share of everything including dirty nappies! I could never ever have predicted the way he would turn out acting towards his children, I find it most bizarre.

sarahjayne1977

I have a step son who stays at ours 2 nights a week, till about 12 weeks ago had his own bedroom. We now have 2 children together.
we spend about the same on all the kids, Step son got a bike and a psp for xmas. All the toys we buy stay her.
To be honest i rather my children had mammy and daddy together all the time and have less pressies, This is more important then any money or gifts money can buy.

yesican

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Hello,

I like to think of myself as a "seasoned debater". Therefore I just cannot make my mind up, which situation is fair. I can see all the arguments, from every angle, so have a degree of sympathy for all sides. So I need your help with this one!

Let's use £100 as the figure to make it easier.

If you had a stepchild, and you and your husband normally spent £100 a Christmas on them, then you had your own child together. Which do you think is fair?

spend £100 on your child together or
based on the fact, the stepchildren get £100 off you, then £100 of their Mum, (albeit not through choice, just circumstances), spend £200 on your child together

I really can't make up my mind which is fair!

Honest opinions welcome

Ive been with my OH for nearly a decade and we've been blessed with four kids(two of ours and two stepkids).We set an amount of money to spend of the kids for their birthdays,christmas or anything for that matter and the amount is the SAME..

Doesnt matter whether they're getting something/s from their mother or not-to us,its only fair...

IF its £100,we put £400 aside,£100 for each child...

meritaten

as long as you and your OH treat each child the same - then what OTHER people spend on them is nothing to do with you!

Bluemeanie_2

Thank you all for the honest feedback. I do worry a lot about balancing the situation. Hopefully the ages gap in the kids (SS is 9 on Monday and SD is 7) will help. As I am not even expecting, so by the time a little one is able to take in Christmas they will be around 12 and 10 and there will be such disparities between what kind of things they want for Christmas it would barely be noticeable. I have other things that I worry about being fair, but I suppose you just have to try your best. The holiday thing worries me too. Sometimes don't know how to do right!

Sambucus_Nigra

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I am struggling to find a fair balance with several things with regard to being a step parent. We have Husbands kids two nights a week and are hoping for our own soon, so while these questions are hypothetical at the moment hoping soon they will be come reality. I just can't find some happy ground on how to balance everyone's interests and be fair to them all!

I'd say cross that bridge when it comes to it; they will be different ages, need different things and the younger will probably have no concept of money for at least 10 years [in regards to how much other people's things cost]. My nieces like the same number of things, so I get extra points for higher numbers of things to open - so they get one main present from us and a few extras just for the fun of opening...none of the kids have ever mentioned that they didn't get x amount spent on them - nieces, DSD, friends kids etc.

pleasedelete

It would be good if the separated parents could agree to buy a gift together rather than getting one each.

Bluemeanie_2

pleasedelete wrote: »

It would be good if the separated parents could agree to buy a gift together rather than getting one each.

In an ideal world, yes. But I would not be comfortable with my Husband buying a gift with his ex. I don't think he would want to either.