Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

terra_ferma

Ladyshopper wrote: »

It is very difficult for all involved, and I accept that. However, I think it awful to treat your own children so so differently to your step child, and that is what my ex-husband does. This goes way beyond crappy Christmas and birthday presents, but about the way they are treated when they are there. I could go on and on about it, but I won't as it will turn into a rant!

A few examples, and some are so petty its untrue, but try and understand from a childs point of view, who come asking me why they are treated like that:

Stepchild calls my childrens Father "Dad". This is despite the fact his own Dad is alive and well and he sees him.

At weekends when my children are there, they are only allowed sandwiches for lunch, followed by a bag of crisps (and then its only the one that stepson doesn't like!). Their Dad thinks its "weird" that I give them a cooked lunch (and we're talking beans on toast or similar, not the full works) despite the fact he himself will have beans on toast, and stepson will be allowed pot noodles. They are not allowed pot noodles because they don't live there!

They go to a family gathering once a year, which is held by their step granparents. I think its really nice that they get on with these grandparents, and they call them that. At the party, they are told by their Dad that they are not allowed to drink J20's. This is despite the fact it is common knowledge that the grandparents stock up on these particularly for all the kids there. Stepson, however, is allowed to drink the J20's.

Their Father will frequently phone them up from the cinema, telling them what he is doing, and the fact he is with stepson. He went one better than this last year and did the same from Alton Towers, telling them what a fantastic time he was having, never having taken them anywhere like that.

I know to some reading the above may not sound much. This is only a very small selection of examples, and there are others that I'd rather not go into. However, the examples are constant, happen every time they are there, and all go towards making the children feel like they are basically not wanted there, and their Father is basically doing his "duty" because he is obliged. They certainly are well aware at the age of 13 and 14 that they don't come top of their Fathers priorities, in fact they come well below his partner, the stepson, himself, and his partners family. How sad that they should be made to feel like that, and even worse accept it.

There is no perfect answer, it must be very difficult. I have a good friend who has remarried, has 3 children of her own and 2 stepchildren, and she does a fantastic job of being as fair as possible to al involved. I look at the way she acts towards them, and the obvious love and affection she has for her children, then look at the way mine are treated, and can't help but make comparisons.

People may think I'm an evil bitter and twisted ex. I'm not, but I do get angry and frustrated on behalf of the children that they're treated second best time and time again.

This makes me so sad, I had the similar situation in my family, not my children. It was terrible to see how much the child suffered.
Really really sad, it makes me angry thinking about it.
Though I don't need to wish any harm on the nasty dad, he's got a terrible illness.

in response to the OP:
I would say that having an extra present is no compensation for not seeing your parents in a loving relationship, and they hurt they must have gone through when their parents separated.

VfM4meplse

Getting 2 lots of £100 (or whatever the figure) is little compensation for having divorced parents. I think you should veer away from material sums and offer treats / spend quality time with each instead.

BugglyB

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Getting 2 lots of £100 (or whatever the figure) is little compensation for having divorced parents. I think you should veer away from material sums and offer treats / spend quality time with each instead.

This is a great idea. All children get special treat time ie one tea time where they are allowed to pick the food and party game, or one trip out on their own with the parents. Doesn't even have to cost much.

Depending on their age this to me is the way children measure their value, not by how much is spent on them.

Wickedkitten

Bluemeanie wrote: »

In an ideal world, yes. But I would not be comfortable with my Husband buying a gift with his ex. I don't think he would want to either.

It's not about you though, it's about their child

shellsuit

It might seem unfair, but that's life.

My eldest 2 get loads at Christmas, they get from me and my husband, their Dad, my Dad, my Mum and my stepdad, their Dad's Mum, their Dad's Dad, their Dad's Aunty etc, whereas the little fella gets from me and my husband, my Dad and my Mum and stepdad.

Luckily there is a big age gap between them (eldest 2 are 15 and 14 and the little fella is coming upto 3), so we don't have any problems.

WE treat the 3 of them the same and always will, and that's all that matters IMO.

podperson

I would agree that just treat the children the same from your point of view, you can't control what the other side of the family does. I remember when I was at primary school my best friend would always get loads of expensive presents for birthdays/xmas but then she would tell me about how she'd had to swop between houses over the holidays or her dad was busy with her stepfamily and couldn't see her on the day and even at that age I was quickly aware of the downside of getting the extra presents.
Tbh it sounds like by the time you have your own LO your stepchildren will be a little older and they will all want extremely different types of presents so monetary value won't come into it as much (eg the stepchild at say 10 will tend to know what they want while your child for the first years won't be that bothered and won't need as much spending on them).

krlyr

I'm slightly older but my stepsisters are still young and my mum and stepdad spend the same on all of us. As far as they're concerned, they've never got involved with what their mum gives them. She could give them £10 or £1000 for Christmas, it's her call, but my mum and stepdad stick to the same budget for all of the kids.

Seanymph

I think it depends if the step child is with you christmas day or not.

If my steps were with me christmas day then they got the same as mine - if they were with their mum then they got the main gift (£100 each) but didn't get the stockings/gifts which were given out on the morning from father christmas.

It is a tradition which served us well (and continues to be so in my house) - FC gives the stockings - which can contain anything really........ so all kids get a cheque or main gift to £100 but those present and in the house get the additional pressies.

SandC

Bluemeanie wrote: »

No this would be the difficult thing, the step children would not live with us two nights a week. So our child together would have to hear about all the extra stuff they got off their mum and tepdad.

But the stepchild doesn't get to have mummy and daddy live together, so it's swings and roundabouts.

Right now it seems like gifts and 'fairness' mean a lot but you will know yourself that once you reach adulthood it's not the material things you recall with fondness, it's the happy times spent with family.

xxlouisexx56

I have a DD (6) from a previous relationship and baby (9months) is from my current relationship.

There is a big age gap between them so we dont need to worry at the moment about how much to spend on them.
But we do no take into account DD's dad and his family when we buy their presents. They are just a bonus for her.