Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

jakes-mum

I dont think you have much to worry about as by the time you have a child old enough to understand the cost of things, your step children are going to be of an age where they want expensive but few presents. My DS is 10 and the value of his gifts were over £700 this year, DD is nearly 4 and had £150 worth, so if you compare value DS did better, if you compare how much money I actually paid DD did better as I won all of DS. Did either care? nope. DS was thrilled he got his laptop, its what he wanted. DD was thrilled she got a skipping rope, its what she wanted :rotfl: kids dont generally judge an items worth by its price tag but more by how much they wanted it.
You'll never spend the same across the board if you buy things they desperately want as each of them will have a different idea of what would be the ultimate christmas present.
I did try to have roughly the same amount of prezzies under the tree in previous years, but this year DD had more but DS was so wrapped up gaping at the laptop I dont think he even noticed They are all your children, just try to christmas shop under the 'what would they really want' banner rather than 'ive got to make sure they all get x amount of money' I think thats how to be really fair

The other thing you have to remember is that your own child will grow up with his Step siblings going to their mums, it will be totally normal for him so he wont really think anything of it till again, they are older and will be getting only a few but expensive presents from each household

pinkclouds

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Howver my conflict is always, well if Hubby should treat all 3 kids the same, he has to spend the £100 on each of them, so then technically my child hasn't had anything off me if that makes sense.

If you have separate finances, then that is a bit different. Under those circumstances, then it would be fair to each buy gifts for your "own" children and a token gift for the "step" children. I assumed joint finances were the case because that's what we do. However, I'd still ensure they knew who the gifts came from.

In any case, it's not the value of the gifts that kids find enchanting. It's about the fun factor (well, until teens... ish) and wish fulfilment. If what they really want that year is 5 quid of cress seeds to grow their own veg then cupboard love will be directed to whoever bought that, even if it's some distant rellie they haven't seen in ages. lol

rachbc

Bluemeanie wrote: »

So I do take the points about how I shouldn't worry what other people buy them etc and to a certain extent I agree. Howver my conflict is always, well if Hubby should treat all 3 kids the same, he has to spend the £100 on each of them, so then technically my child hasn't had anything off me if that makes sense.

No it really doesn't to me I'm afraid - hubby and I have some seperate and some joint finances but all gifts are given from 'us' regardless of who pays. My hubby is the step parent in our family but he treats my DS just like he treats our DD.

Re holidays - we go on holiday as a family, DS gets extra hol with his dad and sometimes we have weekends away when he is not with us. DS has just come back from 3 weeks in Malaysia - DD looked at his pics and said she wants to go but its unlikely to ever happen for us...but she had 3 weeks of having us to herself and a few nice christmas treat trips that he didn't get

Bluemeanie_2

Yes all our finances are separate. I will never hold a joint account or joint finances again (long story, won't bore you with my life history!)

Person_one

Bluemeanie wrote: »

What I'm trying to get at with this thread is, whatever anyone says I am not their Mum (and would never want to be etc). I love them dearly and try my hardest to balance it out and be fair.

So I do take the points about how I shouldn't worry what other people buy them etc and to a certain extent I agree. Howver my conflict is always, well if Hubby should treat all 3 kids the same, he has to spend the £100 on each of them, so then technically my child hasn't had anything off me if that makes sense.

But then I do agree with how really they should be treated all the same when they are in our house.

I do agree with all the comments about materialistic things etc btw. Just I am trying to stay focused on the thread. x

No they aren't your children, but when you marry somebody who already has children you need to be willing to accept them as valued and EQUAL members of your family. Remember, they will be your children's siblings.

You won't be doing any favours to either the steps or your own children if you teach them that the biological relationship is the most important factor in how people treat each other.

Person_one

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Yes all our finances are separate. I will never hold a joint account or joint finances again (long story, won't bore you with my life history!)

If you're married for more than 2 years then there's really no point keeping separate finances, if you separate it'll all be seen as joint anyway.

Bluemeanie_2

Person_one wrote: »

If you're married for more than 2 years then there's really no point keeping separate finances, if you separate it'll all be seen as joint anyway.

With regard to divorce laws etc, you have a point to a certain extent. But I am more talking about Experian etc I do not want to be financially linked to anyone else on my credit history.

Bluemeanie_2

Person_one wrote: »

No they aren't your children, but when you marry somebody who already has children you need to be willing to accept them as valued and EQUAL members of your family. Remember, they will be your children's siblings.

You won't be doing any favours to either the steps or your own children if you teach them that the biological relationship is the most important factor in how people treat each other.

This is why I struggle so much on which is fair and flit one way or the other. because people say to me, I should treat them equally etc and I try to treat them as my own.

I pay/subsidise them, take them places when hubby is at work etc, spend loads of time improving their reading etc, incorporating them into my wider family etc but then.....

when it suits certain people, they are not my kids and it's nothing to do with me. Which hurts a lot.

I've come to accept that with this extended wider family thing, it's a hard juggling act.

It is all still so new to me, as I was fortunate never to be in this situation as a kid.

POPPYOSCAR

Bluemeanie wrote: »

This is why I struggle so much on which is fair and flit one way or the other. because people say to me, I should treat them equally etc and I try to treat them as my own.

I pay/subsidise them, take them places when hubby is at work etc, spend loads of time improving their reading etc, incorporating them into my wider family etc but then.....

when it suits certain people, they are not my kids and it's nothing to do with me. Which hurts a lot.

I've come to accept that with this extended wider family thing, it's a hard juggling act.

It is all still so new to me, as I was fortunate never to be in this situation as a kid.

What does this matter? The children will grow up knowing how you have treated them and how you have made them feel like they are a part of you - that is what matters the most.

Bluemeanie_2

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

What does this matter? The children will grow up knowing how you have treated them and how you have made them feel like they are a part of you - that is what matters the most.

I know. I was just having a small self indulgent moan, as it hurts when you try so so hard to be a good person and then someone says that!