Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Peanuckle

We have 3 children which are "ours", actually mine by birth and my DH adopted them a few years ago, and also my step-son, who lives with his mother. We have one simple rule, they are all treated the same, what happens at SS home is nothing to do with our family, if he goes on holiday with his mother then good luck to them but it's not a reason for us to feel guilty that we can't afford to take the others away. The same as if we take the other 3 out for the day while he's at his Mum's then it's just one of those things and no attempt at compensation would be made. Why should it? They would only start to compare who got what if we taught them that that was the right thing to do.
The oldest 3 are now 18 and 19 and would tell you themselves that it's never been as issue, as long as WE treat them all the same then any extras SS has got over the last 11 years isn't anything to do with them. SS is now 12 and has started hinting he'd prefer to live with us, mainly because his soon to be step-father treats step son differently to his toddler aged half-brother and has already said that from now on SS will get less for birthdays and Christmas because he gets from his Dad as well. I suppose that proves my point, if you make a distinction then it soon grows into a problem.

Shepherdess13

I have a younger half brother, I lived with my mum and stepdad from being 12 - each christmas I got "token" presents from them. There favourite line was " you'll get something big from your dad". I never did - he's an alcoholic! So give them the same!

trolleyrun

I've grown up with this scenario and I beg you to give the kids the same (£-wise). You have to do the right thing, not being concerned about what might be given from the other side. I was treated differently all through my upbringing and it hurts when you're a child, as you can see through it. As I child, I knew that my parent and step-parent involved preferred my half-sibling. It wasn't difficult to see, and it wasn't just the presents situation.

Please treat all children the same. Whether it's attention, gifts or anything else. Don't forget that the best "thing" you can give someone is your time and love. It's worth more than any present money can buy.

tinktinktinkerbell

£200 on your own child

peachyprice

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

£200 on your own child

So the step children feel second best in their fathers home? Nice.

tinktinktinkerbell

peachyprice wrote: »

So the step children feel second best in their fathers home? Nice.

no

the step child will still get £200 its just that £100 would be off the mother

CH27

Treat them equally.

peachyprice

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

no

the step child will still get £200 its just that £100 would be off the mother

Says who? The mother may only spend £10 on the child if that's normal in their house.

You can't spend half as much on your husbands child on the off-chance that his/her mother will make it equal (well you can, but actions like that just get you labelled at a b!tch step mother)

It's making the step child second best and creating a breeding ground for resentment of their half sibling, who would have not a clue how much money the child had had spent on him/her in the mothers house anyway.

tinktinktinkerbell

peachyprice wrote: »

Says who? The mother may only spend £10 on the child if that's normal in their house.

You can't spend half as much on your husbands child on the off-chance that his/her mother will make it equal (well you can, but actions like that just get you labelled at a b!tch step mother)

It's making the step child second best and creating a breeding ground for resentment of their half sibling, who would have not a clue how much money the child had had spent on him/her in the mothers house anyway.

im just giving my opinion, you dont have to agree

FatVonD

I would seem that Tinkerbell and I are in a minority which is interesting to note but does seem at odds with other recent threads regarding the comparative treatment of resident child/stepchildren.

I'm not remotely interested in getting into an argument with anybody about it but in the interests of debate there has been a thread recently about whether the new partner's salary should be taken into consideration when deciding maintenance amounts.

I don't recall specific user names though I'm sure there must be some crossover but the general consensus was that it is morally wrong for the two sets of children to have differing standards of living. I can see that there is a valid point to be made there but while that argument is all about ensuring that all children get a fair split of the finances spent on them (and no mention of them having to accept that life isn't fair and that different people have different standards of living) in this scenario the resident child is just supposed to accept that life isn't fair? The two just don't sit right with me.

I think a lot of the people replying to this thread have probably gone on to have children with the same parent as the stepchildren and I can see that having both parents still happily together is a gift that money can't buy but many resident children will also have another parent who (like the girl whose father is an alcoholic and my heart goes out to you) puts other things before their own children. My own DS received from his father this year 2 sweatshirts still in a carrier bag, both incidentally 'sporty' sweatshirts when DS is very alternative. DSD received a laptop from her mum and stepdad. I was compensating for my own DS's father's shortcomings long before I even met DH and I'm afraid this thread hasn't changed my mind!