Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

I would seem that Tinkerbell and I are in a minority which is interesting to note but does seem at odds with other recent threads regarding the comparative treatment of resident child/stepchildren.

FatVonD wrote: »

while I make sure they all have a similar number/value of presents on the years the stepkids are opening them at the same time as DS I do also buy him something extra (not necessarily given on Christmas Day) to compensate for the fact that they go home to more presents from their extended family on their mum's side (aunts, uncles plus their mum's new husband's family) while my own DS only has me (I'm an only child and his dad is Moslem.)

I guess it depends on the individual circumstances but I would do what you describe here.

DontStopBelieving

Me & OH have two of "our own" children & OH has a child from a previous relationship. All our children get the same spent on them at birthdays & Christmas, budget is dependent on what we can afford that year......I actually had a discussion about this with someone in my family, there opinion was that we didn't "need" to spend the same on my DSD as we spend on our own due to the fact that DSD would be going home to mum's for more presents....I disagree. We treat all our children the same, what ever DSD gets at home is their business not ours. The last thing I would ever want would be for my DSD to feel she wasn't the "same" in our house as her siblings because she is. And besides how do you know that they will get £100 spent on them at mum's anyway? For all you know they may get £20 or £300 so you would never be able to fairly compensate anyway? And as for holidays/days out unfortunately you can't always wait until your step children are at yours to have a day out, we sometimes have days out without DSD but sometimes with it just depends on circumstances, I would try and book holidays around step children been able to attend too though if that's possible but just because it would be nice for the children to holiday together not because you have to. :-)

saintknoxmissus

My circumstances are slightly different here as i have 3 children of my own, OH has 2 of his own (who live with us) and we have 2 dd of our own. We always spend the same on each child for Christmas and Birthdays .... it just seems the right thing to do, however step kids mum has 2 other children now with her partner and she is the opposite, buys more for her new kids and says that the older ones get from us too so its not fair on her boys. My stepkids are 12 and 14 so know that it is happening, they don't complain bless em, but it must hurt to know that not only did your mum walk out when they were 3 and 5 but that she then went on to have more kids and favour them too.:(

his_wife

not read all of this,,,, i treat my children and my step children the same, what they get at home is irrelavent. We have always had younger sd every christmas, she is 18 now, and she has always had the same as my children. I would of been mortified had she of just gotten a token gesture , whilst my children had a little pile.

However, my ex h, gives my children fifty pound between them, there are four children, yet my ex husbands step children last year all got a ps3 each and an i phone.

Fair no,can i live with my conscience, most definetly

Bluemeanie_2

Deleted as we are back otgether and this thread is now over a year old.

mountainofdebt

Of course that is your right but it sounds to me as if you're cutting your nose off to spite your face......though I am curious as to how you would ask about whether they have children before agreeing to go out on a date would fit in with the conversation.

Bluemeanie_2

Hi, I can understand how someone who already has kids can feel that way, but I have discovered first hand that being a step parent isn't for me. So I would rather not inflict the way I feel on another child/children. It would not be fair. I knew I felt that way before I met him, and prior to this I always just bought it up in conversation, but made an exception for him. Only for it to be confirmed it isn't for me.

POPPYOSCAR

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Of course that is your right but it sounds to me as if you're cutting your nose off to spite your face......though I am curious as to how you would ask about whether they have children before agreeing to go out on a date would fit in with the conversation.

I agree.

Does 'love' not have anything to do with it then?

Bluemeanie_2

It's hard to describe how I feel to strangers written down across the internet about my current situation. And to be honest I'd rather not discuss it. I would not "love" someone the first time I have met them regardless!

marie-20

I'm sorry but I disagree with most of you to a point.

We have 3 children aged 9, 7 & 18 months and my step-son is 15 and we generally spend around £200 each but only £100 - £150 on SS.

We rarely see SS anymore as he's 'too busy' until approx a week before his birthday, easter & the begining of Dec and it's been the same for the past 3 or 4 years.

I understand that they should all be treated equally but when he refuses to treat us 'equally' I think that right doesn't exist as I hardly think seeing us 5 times a year is fair especially as he sees MIL every week but t isn't through us asking as my hubby rings him every week and asks.

My final reason is that MIL spends around £10 each on our 3 but this year bought SS a new iPhone - fair? I think not! Something that will change? Not a chance!

Ohhhhh and he DOES rub it in with our kids that he got this, that and the other to the point that our eldest has asked several times why he gets so little compared to SS.


So the be honest I think that people should use their own judgement depending on their own circumstances as every situation is different. If SS lived with us then he'd have the same amount spent on him.