Which is fair with regard to stepchildren/own children

Newly_retired

Probably best to spend approx the same on each child at Christmas, but it isn't the money that counts after all.
I've had a round figure in mind but it depends how much a particular item costs and what the child/young person needs. This may vary.
You can always make up for any apparent shortages during the year as far as material things are concerned.

As far as treating them all equally it is not easy to do this at every turn. The visiting children may need some time alone with their natural parent and the step parent may have to not get in the way of this. It can lead to the other children seeming to miss out on the face of it eg if Dad takes his son to a match or Mum takes a daughter shopping, but there are times when parent and child need to be alone together.

peachyprice

Bluemeanie wrote: »

No this would be the difficult thing, the step children would not live with us two nights a week. So our child together would have to hear about all the extra stuff they got off their mum and tepdad.

But they don't do that, you're reading far more into this than is necessary.

Your child when it is born will, I sincerely hope, be treated like a brother/sister by your step children. They're not going to come to your house and say to their little brother/siser 'nah nah nah na nah, look what I got from my mum, you didn't get one' Firstly they'll be too old to behave like that and secondly they'll not want to do that to a sibling they love.

My sons have NEVER, not once, in the 10 years of my DD's life mentioned in an unkind way anything they have at their dad's. They just wouldn't do that to her.

I can see it happening with two sets of step children of similar ages who have been foreced to play happy families, but not half brothers/sisters, not if you raise them correctly anyway.

FatVonD

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I just don't know how we are going to get around this as well. Same as holidays! My child wouldn't get to go, when the stepkids Mum took them away, but if I took my kid away with my Mum, would it be fair not to take them? (husband staying at home)

Just don't know how to balance it out!

That's a really difficult one and the best idea I can come up with is to take the holiday at the same time as the stepkids are away with their mum so all the kids are on holiday at the same time.

I've actually had this problem, my own DS had not been on any holiday that wasn't in a caravan (tell a lie, Eurodisney when he was 5!) while the stepkids had been away most years and my poor DS had to sit and listen to them talking for months about their forthcoming holiday to cyprus. He was so envious. I promised him I'd take him abroad the following year I couldn't afford to take 5 of us (DH earns a pittance so the holiday was paid for by me alone) so we took just my son. We then took all of the kids the following year.

This year we have the same problem, I no longer have a full time job but we've not had a (non-caravan) holiday for 2 years and would dearly love one. Again, if we go I'd be paying for it entirely and it'll be a struggle to pay for 3 let alone 5. I could take my own advice and go when the stepkid's are away with their mum but she is taking them away in August when no way could we afford to go even just with 3 of us :rotfl:

krlyr

I think it does children good to know that money does play a big part in life. My stepsisters know that my stepdad can't afford to buy them the latest phone or laptop like their mum can - he's got a lower paying job and a higher mortgage (due to letting the mum keep the house). I don't think they resent him for it, he still contributes to things like dancing lessons where he can but they know he couldn't afford to take them on holiday to the same kind of places as their mum could. It may be tougher when they're younger, when they don't understand the concept of affording things, but when they're older they'll realise why they don't have the same gadgets as their step/half-siblings.

DaisyFlower

Has to be £100 each, what they get of other family members shouldnt be taken into account.

Step children dont get to live with both their parents, so why should they suffer even more by being treated differently to a half sibling.

clearingout

Having read through the tread, I don't get the need to try and balance things out for the children. They are living in two different situations with two different sets of parents/step parents.

Do we suggest that we should spend the same amounts on our children as those parents who are able to spend double? When they go back to school and say 'X got double the amount of presents I got', what do we tell them? In my case it would be that they are very lucky their mum and dad (or whatever family situation they live in) can afford that. If they went one further and asked why, they would be told because we all live in different situations - some of us have higher housing costs than others, some of us do jobs which are less well paid, some of us effectively have two sets of parents so we get more, some of us have parents who spend up to their limits on credit cards...but whatever the reason, it is important that we live within our means and are grateful for what we do have and the fact that we have people in our lives who love us.

Parents have a responsibility to treat their children equally - but that doesn't mean taking into account the fact that one (or more) of their children might get more because they live elsewhere. It would surely be the same as saying 'I won't buy you more than that because X in your class's mum's just been made redundant so he will only be having £20 spent on him this year and we have to make it fair'. Life isn't fair - some children will go abroad 3 times a year, others won't. Some will wear designer clothes, other's will wear clothes from a car boot. We may be envious as adults of our neighbour's lifestyle but most of us don't have a need to 'keep up' with them, do we?

Judith_W

I really think that your stepchild would not see the financial logic behind the lower value presents and would make them feel like a second-class child because they are a step. I don't think you should be looking at what other presents they get from others as they might not get as much spent on them.

For the sake of £100 or whatever, considering the child has presumably been through divorce etc and is having to juggle two families, just let it slide and be seen as fair.

Bluemeanie_2

Wickedkitten wrote: »

It's not about you though, it's about their child

I wish I could share your rose tinted views. My ex has clearly moved on and so has she, she has new boyfriend and another two kids by him. He wants nothing to with her, other than the brief two minutes when he picks the kids up. I will not list all the problems/trouble she has caused for him previously, as this is not what my thread is about. However, it is a shame their Mum would not see it that way. It would be more than likely the gifts would be kept at her house and they would not be allowed to bring the toys to ours. Meaning we end up buying them loads of extra stuff to keep at our house anyway. Then it is more than likely the stuff would be sold on ebay and the money not put back into the child's moneybox for them to buy new stuff with. Up to her how she runs things in her household. But he wants as little involvement with his ex as possible.

Bluemeanie_2

What I'm trying to get at with this thread is, whatever anyone says I am not their Mum (and would never want to be etc). I love them dearly and try my hardest to balance it out and be fair.

So I do take the points about how I shouldn't worry what other people buy them etc and to a certain extent I agree. Howver my conflict is always, well if Hubby should treat all 3 kids the same, he has to spend the £100 on each of them, so then technically my child hasn't had anything off me if that makes sense.

But then I do agree with how really they should be treated all the same when they are in our house.

I do agree with all the comments about materialistic things etc btw. Just I am trying to stay focused on the thread. x

pinkclouds

Personally, I'd spend the same on each child whether they are a child of my body or a child of my heart. I'd also make sure they knew who the gifts were from because that way they'll know that child A has extra gifts because person X hasn't bought them for child B. Of course, if you've told them the gifts are all from "Father Christmas" then that will make it rather tricky...