How to accept that life isn't how I want it to be?

MountainBaby

Well it's helped to get some opinions here so thank you, and thank you too for being one of the few who 'get' me properly.

Happy New Year, I think the fireworks have finished so I'm going to take my cold and my box of tissues to bed!

January20

Good night! And I'll talk anytime you need to!

Person_one

Mountainbaby, please don't dismiss CBT! It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, its not about curing a mental illness. Its more like learning a new skill, techniques to adjust the way you think and view things, to change your thoughts because you can't change the world, which seems like exactly what you were asking for in your first post!

Please at least read the link I posted about it.

Happy New Year, I've spent tonight alone with the dogs, a takeaway and a rented DVD!

yetanotherday

Im in a similar situation to yourself mountainbaby except i have a cat instead of a dog.

Quote " how/when do I accept things as they are and get on with it, especially since things really ain’t that bad in all other aspects. "

I dont think you will ever fully accept it. Its human nature to want to share and be loved.

You can try build up walls as defences as i did and focus on the things u like doing but a situation or experience always manages to get through and make you feel ur missing out on something.

I was quite happily getting on with my life and a freind (no chance of a relationship, married) was helping me choose things for my house. Shopping isnt my cup of tea but it was such a wonderful day, it showed me what what i was missing. I went home feeling miserable.

So i guess my point is little things keep reminding you and getting through ur defences and giving you tasters of how it should be and they come from unlikely sources.

Brighton_belle

MB - CBT isn't just for treating depression. It is also a positive ,proctive choice for happy people who want help in one aspects of their lives that they want to improve.
You say money is fine - well you can pay for 6 sessions yourself privately and no waiting time.
You specifically asked in your 1st post that you wanted ways to find acceptance for things you cannot change, you didn't ask just for responses from people who 'know how you feel':

MountainBaby wrote: »

I’m not asking for ‘meeting men’ advice. Been there, asked the questions and got all that advice. It’s a ‘moving on’ question, how/when do I accept things as they are and get on with it, especially since things really ain’t that bad in all other aspects.

Plenty of us know how you feel but you asked for something else. And in your last post you suggest everything about your life is great, except you you just want to stop 'wanting' what you feel clearly you cannot have. CBT is the perfect answer IMO. If it was easy to stop wanting the most natural and human of drives, then someone would have come up with that solution aeons ago. What you ask isn't something titchy, it is huge. There is no such 'off' switch. It is about retraining thought patterns and expectations to lesson the feelings and their impact and CBT can be a great tool for doing that.

burnoutbabe

MountainBaby wrote: »

I've lived alone for 16 years and yes, the novelty wears off. My family are supportive but they have their own lives and young families, I can't expect them to be available to socialise with me as and when. My friends also have families and live busy lives.

get some new friends, those who have time for you and like going out and doing things with you? that way you can be happier with the situation.

January20

burnoutbabe wrote: »

get some new friends, those who have time for you and like going out and doing things with you? that way you can be happier with the situation.

It's not that easy to find other single, childless friends when you are in your 40s, sadly. Most people around the same age will have partner and/ or families. Younger and older people may not have the same interests.

Oldernotwiser

MountainBaby wrote: »

January 20 Thank you, I appreciate your understanding.

Oldernotwiser are you male?

Those who suggest it, have you ever tried going to a restaurant alone? Cinema? Pub? You are surrounded by people in groups and couples!!!! It's not considered 'normal' for a lone female to do these things. I actually feel quite vulnerable if I go out alone at night (yes I have tried it, told you in my first post I've tried pretty much everything.). Besides, I wouldn't walk alone around the streets where I live after dark.

I'm a 60 year old woman and I often go out for a meal or a drink on my own, particularly at lunch time. What do you think women do when they're on holiday alone or on business trips?

Plenty of women go to cinemas alone these days, theatres and concerts as well. It's one of the advantages of getting older that you can do this with confidence, although I've certainly been going to the cinema and gigs on my own since my late teens, when it was unusual.

As I said before (and I certainly didn't mean it rudely) you need to learn to enjoy your own company and not always need other people around you.

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

It's not that easy to find other single, childless friends when you are in your 40s, sadly. Most people around the same age will have partner and/ or families. Younger and older people may not have the same interests.

Now that I do agree with. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's far easier to find a man when you're middle aged than it is to find single, childless friends.

Oldernotwiser

MountainBaby wrote: »

Thanks Ayleth,

but you've missed another point I made! I don't want to change other aspects of my life. I don't want to travel. I've never wanted to travel. I love my job and I love my family, I don't want to go anywhere! I love being a dog owner and I don't find it restrictive. There seems to be this opinion that single people should be off travelling as we've 'got no ties' - it's not what I want to do!!!

I like my life as it is, I just either want someone to share it with or I want to stop wanting that and get on with enjoying it!

I tend to say things rather bluntly, so I'll apologise in advance in case this comes over the wrong way.

I think that the sentence I've highlighted may be exactly your problem. When you enter a relationship your life changes and the two of you make a new life together which may be very different from the one you have when on your own. The chances of your finding someone who wants to live exactly the way you do are pretty limited and it doesn't sound as if compromise or accepting change is your strong suit.

I would just get on with enjoying the life you have because it sounds as if you have far more going for you than many people who are in relationships.

Good luck.